Movie Review: The Invasion

Starring:
Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Jeremy Northam, Jackson Bond, Jeffrey Wright, Roger Reese

Director:
Oliver Hirschbiegel

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for violence, disturbing images and terror.

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
In the process of researching a mysterious alien epidemic that's changing the nature of human behavior, a Washington, D.C., psychiatrist learns that her son may be the planet's only hope for survival.

My Two Cents:
Both a box office and critical failure, but I actually enjoyed The Invasion. It helps when you’re not expecting much, even if it was written by the Wachowski Brothers (The Matrix) and produced by Joel Silver (Die Hard). It’s not too clever, but still creepy, exciting and it’ll make you glad to be human.

I first thing I noticed is that Nicole Kidman is still a fox. This doesn’t make the movie any better, but a whole lot more interesting to watch, for me at least. The alien organism that invades Earth, is not foxy at all. It looks more like a space loogie. Even worst, once infected, the human carrier spreads the “infection” by vomiting inside another person’s mouth. I wish I was kidding. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Once you’ve been vomited on, if you fall asleep you’ll get all covered in a snot cocoon and wake up being one of them. You won’t want to be eating nachos with cheese through this movie.

Carol Bennell (Kidman) spends most of the movie running around looking for her son, who’s father is the first human to fall pray of the aliens. Being infected herself, she must avoid falling asleep while a vaccine is made to counterattack the alien invasion. Nicole Kidman does a convincing job of playing a desperate mother, trying to blend in with the infected, and looking like she’s about to drop dead of tiredness. Her informal boyfriend Dr. Ben Driscoll (Daniel Craig) and his co-worker Dr. Stephen Galeano (Jeffrey Wright) struggle to come up with a vaccine and also aid Carol in retrieving her son from the aliens. Here’s an interesting trivia: Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman worked on The Invasion as well as The Golden Compass. Daniel also worked with Jeffrey Wright in Casino Royale and the kid who plays Nicole Kidman’s son is named Jackson Bond. Daniel Craig FTW!



There’s enough suspense and scary situations to keep you entertained throughout. The plot is easy to follow and the movie relies more on human emotions than nifty special effects. The aliens do have an interesting and revolutionary way of bringing order to the world. Since every infected human is controlled by the aliens, there would be no way to compete with others because there would be no others. No crime, no envy, no hate, etc. Too bad you have to lose your humanity to achieve their goal, and not all humans survive to cocoon stage. So, fuck you aliens. Go ahead and give The Invasion a rental, even if it’s just to see Nicole Kidman in a thong and see-through tank top.

Score:

Cosplay: Sonic the Hedgehog

Guys in Mickey Mouse costumes at Disney World are disturbing, but that’s nothing compared to this Sonic cosplay. Sonic’s just, not human, and certainly not female. This is wrong in so many levels. I dig the huge ring, though.

What the… isn’t this the same chick dressed as Sonic above? Something is wrong with her. I guess this costume is a little better, but still messed up. Why not make a plastic echidna mask instead of showing her real face?

Now this Eggman cosplay is either the best or the worst so far. He looks like the character art, but just wanting to dress as Eggman (aka Dr. Robotnik) should be illegal. Someone please put him out of his misery.

Movie Review: The Bucket List

Starring:
Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Sean Hayes, Beverly Todd, Rob Morrow, Alfonso Freeman

Director:
Rob Reiner (When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good Men)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for language, including a sexual reference.

Release Date:
January 2008

Synopsis:
When corporate mogul Edward Cole and mechanic Carter Chambers wind up in the same hospital room, the two terminally ill men bust out of the cancer ward with a plan to experience life to the fullest before they kick the bucket.

My Two Cents:
Academy Award winners Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman team up for the first time in The Bucket List, a moving story about two terminally ill strangers who live more in their final months of life that what others live their entire lives.

Like fine wine, these actors keep getting better with age. Watching them perform and interact is a complete treat and could probably make any movie worth watching regardless of the plot. Neither Nicholson or Freeman steal the show because both actors have about the same screen time and bring as much to the table.

Edward Cole (Nicholson) is a business savvy billionaire used to the good life, but lacking in spirituality and family values. Carter Chambers (Freeman) is a hard-working mechanic, a loving husband and father or three. Both of their lives get turned upside down when they are diagnosed with cancer and are given only months to live. Treated in the same hospital, which Cole owns, they bond and become friends. Carter had started making a “bucket list” of things he wanted to do before he died, but had discarded the idea after the doctor told him he would not survive his lung cancer. Edward convinces Carter to go ahead and complete the list and go and do everything in it. With Edward’s fortune and Carter’s list they bust out of the hospital and travel the world together. After visiting the Great Pyramids in Egypt, walking around the Taj Mahal, and crossing the Great Wall of China in a motorcycle, Carter realizes the greatest moments in life are spent with family.



The story is profound and will move you to tears as well as laughter. Everyone has lost a loved one to cancer and dealing with this subject is never easy. Yet you realize not everything is lost. At one point Carter asks Edward is he has lived a joyful life, and if he has brought joy to others. You have to wonder about this yourself. Even Yoda said not to mourn the loss of one who has gone back to The Force, and actually be happy about it. It’s not a matter of how much time we have in this world, but what we do with the time that is given to us. I can’t think of better actors to bring this story to life. Watch the movie and then go hug all your friends and family members.

Score:

Movie Babes: Scarlett Johansson

Date of Birth
November 22, 1984

Partial Filmography
The Prestige
The Island
Lost in Translation
The Horse Whisperer
Home Alone 3

Trivia
- Winner of several awards including BAFTA, Hollywood Film Festival and Venice Film Festival.
- Nominated for the Golden Globes, and People’s Choice Award.
- Was considered for the role of Susan Storm in Fantastic Four.
- Was beat by Lindsay Lohan for the main role in The Parent Trap.
- Was offered the part of Evey in V for Vendetta.
- Likes older men.
- Was named Sexiest Woman Alive by FHM magazine in 2006.
- Was offered the role of Lois Lane in Superman Returns.
- Was offered the role of Lindsey Farris in Mission: Impossible III.
- Was named Sexiest Celebrity of 2007 by Playboy magazine.
- Is a passionate Democrat.

Movie Review: Aliens vs. Predator Requiem

Starring:
Steven Pasquale, John Ortiz, Johnny Lewis, Reiko Aylesworth, Kristen Hager, Robert Joy

Director:
Colin & Greg Strause

MPAA Rating:
R for violence, gore and language.

Release Date:
December 2007

Synopsis:
The intergalactic creatures do battle in a small American town, throwing local residents into harm's way. The humans must oust both types of unwelcome guests before they destroy the whole world.

My Two Cents:
Both the Aliens and Predator franchises are beloved by fans and for years the idea of seeing their two favorite alien species duking it out on the big screen was a major wet dream. Paul Anderson made that dream come true in 2004’s Alien vs. Predator, but it turned out to be a nightmare. Just three years later some special effects guys turned directors brought the two beasts back together in the sequel to the horrible AVP. Think about it, a sequel to a shitty movie directed by special effects guys. Hmm, I wonder how the movie turned out…

Shit. That’s the word I’d use if I could only describe the movie in one word. My friend Shirow Wolf was right; AVPR would not do anything to remove the bad taste the first AVP left in my mouth. It is watchable, but it has so many bizarre and unexplained events I can’t help but wonder if the writers were doing acid the whole time, or just part of the time.

The movie begins right where the first one left off. The Predator ship carrying the body of Scar is attacked by the Predalien that came out of Scar’s torso, and the ship crash lands back on Earth. Meanwhile, on the Predator home world, Wolf is watching Scar’s ship log, or whatever, and travels to Earth to stop the Predalien. I have no idea why he comes to Earth alone. If I was him I would bring as many Predators as I could fit in my ship. If the Predators are so bad ass then there’s no fun in having any more AVP films. The Predators always win, and that is that.

So Wolf tracks the Predalien to a small American town near Colorado but by the time he arrives the Aliens have spread and are now in the sewers eating bums. After blowing up Scar’s ship, Wolf starts pouring some blue shit over all the human corpses left by the Aliens, as well as dead Facehuggers. Um… why? Is he worried that humans will find the Xenomorphs? Why the hell would he care about that? And get this, while eliminating Alien evidence he skins a police officer and hangs him from a tree, for fun! He’s on a top priority mission to eliminate the Aliens, going through the trouble of destroying evidence of their presence, but finds the time to skin a guy? That’s fucked up.



The town’s sheriff starts freaking out when more and more people are disappear or turn up dead. The Aliens have multiplied big time and are all over the damn town, slaughtering humans left and right. Everyone in town is in full alert and the government is considering nuking the whole town. The situation has clearly gotten out of control, but Wolf still refuses to call for backup. Why? Would it bring dishonor to call for help? I mean, as good as he is there’s just too many fucking Aliens and it’s impossible for him to beat them all.

Without giving everything away, a lot of humans die horrible deaths, plenty of Aliens get owned by Wolf and there’s a semi climactive battle between Wolf and the Predalien at the end. Speaking of the Predalien, it sucks. Not only does it look ridiculous, it doesn’t seem to have any special Predator skills. Well, there is one thing it does that makes as much sense as its dreadlocks; the Predalien can impregnate pregnant women. Yes, you read that correctly. If it sees a pregnant woman, the Predalien can shove his phallic tongue, or whatever that thing is, and plant Alien embryos inside the woman’s womb, resulting in multiple baby Xenomorphs. Does that mean that’s how Predators procreate? This was perhaps the weirdest, most disturbing scene in the movie. Since there were only a few Facehuggers inside Scar’s crashed ship the Aliens had to multiply this way. Still, it seemed unnecessary and lame.

In the ending it is suggested that another movie will be made, and as bad as the movie is it still managed to make some money, so it’s very possible. I truly hope they stop taking dumps on this franchise and let it cool off for a decade before attempting another one. With a predictable plot, boring fights, bad acting and a laughable ending, I can’t really recommend AVPR to anyone but diehard fans who like anything with the words Aliens or Predator on it.

Score:

Achievement Unlocked!

Oh great, Chucky and Tiffany killed Santa Claus. Not only are they into voodoo black magic shit but they have to push their beliefs unto everyone else. I hate those fucking dolls.

Weekend Box Office Report: Feb 1-3

The Super Bowl came and went and even the biggest sports event of the year couldn’t stop Hannah Montana’s fury at the box office. Her shit-stained concert tour movie kicked everyone’s ass with $29 million. Why…?

1. Hannah Montana $ Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour
This week: $29,000,000

Total: $29,000,000

2. The Eye
This week: $13,000,000

Total: $13,000,000

3. 27 Dresses
This week: $8,400,000

Total: $57,115,000

4. Juno
This week: $7,450,000 - Total: $110,263,000

5. Meet the Spartans
This week: $7,125,000 - Total: $28,332,000

6. Rambo
This week: $7,000,000 - Total: $29,798,000

7. The Bucket List
This week: $6,850,000 - Total: $67,671,000

8. Untraceable
This week: $5,400,000 - Total: $19,451,000

9. Cloverfield
This week: $4,900,000 - Total: $71,974,000

10. There Will Be Blood
This week: $4,761,000 - Total: $21,146,000

Movie Review: I Am Legend

Starring:
Will Smith, Emma Thompson, Alice Braga, Salli Richardson, Charlie Tahan, April Grace

Director:
Francis Lawrence (Constantine)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action and violence.

Release Date:
December 2007

Synopsis:
A terrible virus has spread across the planet and turned the human race into bloodthirsty monsters. Mankind's only hope for survival is scientist Robert Neville, the one person left unaffected by the epidemic. When he's not fighting for his life against the hordes of the infected, Neville searches for a cure to reverse the virus' effects, while battling his own doubt and despair as he spends every day alone.

My Two Cents:
Not being familiar with the original novel by Richard Matheson, and not having seen The Omega Man or any other adaptations of the film I was not sure what to expect from the Will Smith version. I only knew what was revealed in the trailers. Will Smith plays Robert Neville, the sole survivor of a terrible viral outbreak that turned every human being into creatures of the night, and the movie depicts his every day struggle to survive.

The outbreak is the result of a mutation in the vaccine created by Dr. Alice Krippin to cure cancer. The exact details of the mutation are unknown, but it is known that the KV (Krippin Virus) killed 90% of Earth’s population, leaving 9% infected but alive and only 1% completely immune and healthy. Those 9% infected have deteriorated into a primitive state of aggression and animal like agility. They hunted down the 1% that were immune and apparently ate them. Robert Neville is the only survivor, hiding out in his heavily boarded Washington Square Park apartment.

When the movie starts it has already been 3 years since the outbreak. Robert Neville is the only man alive in the world and is out hunting for food with his pet dog Sam, apparently the only uninfected dog around. There’s a shitload of deer running around right in the middle of Fifth Avenue as well as lions. Why those wild animals there, uninfected, I not explained. Robert only wanders away from his home during the day, because the infected are heavily burned by the slightest rays of sunshine. Like vampires, the only prowl the streets at night, looking for food and trying to find Neville’s home.



Similar to Tom Hanks in Cast Away, Will Smith is the only onscreen character for most of the movie, not counting the infected and his dog. He talks to Sam and to mannequins he has placed around different spots, like a video store he likes to visit. After 3 years of being alone, talking to plastic people would seem pretty normal. Will Smith is such a fine actor and likeable guy that he doesn’t even need co-stars to make a huge blockbuster hit. The movie’s budget was around $150 million dollars and grossed over $540 millions. Smith is the man.

I liked the movie, the effects and pretty much everything else, but when the action started to pick up the credits started to roll. I felt the ending was too depressing, even if hope is never truly lost. The Special Edition DVD as well as the hi-def versions of I Am Legend will feature an alternative ending that I think should have been the official theatrical ending as well. Actually, the alternate ending was the real ending but this was changed at the last minute for some reason. But regardless of the ending, I had a good time and enjoyed Will Smith’s performance, feeling his despair and soiling my pants whenever an infected crept by the screen. I Am Pleased.

Score:

Character Profile: Mother Brain

Mother Brain is a recurring final boss in various Metroid games, and since she is the last monster you face it’s believed she is the leader of the Space Pirates, giving orders and somehow manipulating the Space Pirates to do her bidding. Some believe Ridley is the real leader of the Space Pirates and the Mother Brain only controls Zebes’ defenses. However, in the Metroid Prime Space Pirate logs Samus gathers throughout the games it was revealed that there is a High Command that controls every activity of the Pirates. The members of High Command remain a mystery, but it’s possible they turned to the Mother Brain for guidance.

In the Metroid Prime games there is no Mother Brain as she was destroyed on planet Zebes during the events of the original game, but in Metroid Prime 3: Corruption it is revealed that the Galactic Federation had created organic super computers called Aurora Units that have an eerie resemblance to the giant brain floating in a glass tank. Some believe Mother Brain was created by the Chozo and the Aurora Units resemble her original design. It’s possible that when the Aurora Units became corrupted one of them ended up in Zebes and has been working with the Space Pirates in secret. This would explain why Mother Brain was “revived” during the events of Super Metroid.

Movie Review: The King of Kong

Starring:
Billy Mitchell, Steve Wiebe, Walter Day, Steve Sanders, Roy Shildt, Brian Kuh

Director:
Seth Gordon (Fears of a Clown)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for a brief sexual reference.

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
When Steve Wiebe got laid off, he turned to the classic arcade game Donkey Kong for solace. He got so good he decided to challenge Billy Mitchell's long-standing record score. So began one of the bitterest rivalries in history. How far will Mitchell go to retain his crown?

My Two Cents:
This may very well be the best video game movie/documentary ever, even if it’s not really about video games. OK, it is about video games, but not about any game in particular. It’s about the competitive nature of human beings and the never-ending quest some people go through in order to be recognized by their peers. Regardless if you’ve ever played a game in your life, you can’t help but be caught in the drama of one man’s journey into the video game record books.

Back in the early 80’s Billy Mitchell set the world record for the arcade game Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr. and Centipide, and later in the late 90’s he performed a perfect game of Pac-Man. That means he beat all 256 levels, collected every power pellet, ate every ghost, every fruit and didn’t die, ever, for the highest possible score of 3,333,360 points. That’s fucking insane! Billy’s mad skills have been recorded and tracked by Twin Galaxies, a video game records book and website. Pretty much everyone in the game industry knows Billy, and some call him the Michael Jordan of gaming.

Steve Wiebe, married and father of two, had recently been laid off from his job and found himself with plenty of free time on his hands. He’s a former baseball player, basketball player and musician. Every time he pursued one of his passions something happened and he either failed or had to drop out. You could say he is a born loser. A great guy, but a loser, always having to settle for second best. As he spent his days taking care of his kids he got himself an old-school Donkey Kong arcade cabinet and started playing the shit out of it. He got so good that he decided to try and beat the current world record set in the 80’s by Billy Mitchell. He beat Billy’s score by almost 200,000 points and was crowned as the new king of Donkey Kong. Billy Mitchell was so upset he demanded Wiebe’s arcade machine to be revised to check if it was hacked or modified in any way. Although it wasn’t, Twin Galaxies removed Wiebe’s score from their records and asked him to play live to see if he was the real deal. Wiebe accepted, and one of the world’s biggest rivalries was born.



Billy Mitchell is kind of a freak, with his perfect hair and USA ties, and as we see in the documentary he’s also a jerk. He avoids meeting Wiebe and doesn’t recognize him as a top player, because Wiebe is an unknown and Billy is a freaking god. Steve Wiebe travels the country, playing Donkey Kong at different events, looking for an opportunity to play Mitchell live, but the bitch keeps hiding and sending in gameplay videos instead. Since Mitchell and Walter Day, founder of Twin Galaxies, are such good friends, he gets away with it.

You can’t help but feel sorry for Steve Wiebe and want him to succeed at something, even if it is at having the world’s highest score in a decades old video game. This is clearly very important to him and would be for all the other nerds he meets along the way who try to beat his score. The documentary has a lot of archive footage from the 80’s that will bring nostalgic tears to all of us who grew up with Pac-Man, Marble Madness, and Galaga. But even if you hate video games you’ll still be able to appreciate Wiebe’s determination and can relate to his desire to succeed and prove to himself and others he can set a world record if he tries hard enough. How much would you be willing to sacrifice for a chance at glory?

Score:

Ask Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar is famous for his skills as Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance, as seen in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, but he’s also famous for his intellectual prowess. He is renowned for his skilful use of "deductive reasoning" while using abductive reasoning and astute observation to solve difficult cases. That’s why he was the first one to decipher Emperor Palpatine’s complex plot to use an "incomplete" but fully functional second Death Star to destroy the Rebel Alliance. Now that the galaxy is safe from the Empire, the Mon Calamari Admiral has gotten a part-time job as a detective and will continue his tradition of stating the obvious, starting with the Arkham Asylum, located on the outskirts of Gotham City. What in the world could that place be for? Let's ask Ackbar.

Movie Review: Cloverfield

Starring:
Michael Stahl-David, Jessica Lucas, T.J. Miller, Lizzy Caplan, Odette Yustman, Mike Vogel

Director:
Matt Reeves (The Pallbearer)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for violence, terror and disturbing images.

Release Date:
January 2008

Synopsis:
A going-away party in Manhattan is interrupted when a mysterious, giant monster launches an attack on New York City. With camcorder in hand, a small group of friends make their way out into the chaotic streets, scrambling to stay alive.

My Two Cents:
Monster movies have come a long way since the original Godzilla movies in the 1950’s. The most recent one, Cloverfield, is actually less of a monster movie and more like a love story, with a giant monster standing between two lovebirds. If you gave in to the massive hype created by Paramount’s viral internet marketing then you already saw this movie on its opening day. If you didn’t, then keep on reading. I’ll try not to give too many spoilers.

What sets this movie apart from other monster movies is that you have absolutely no idea what the monster is, or where it came from, or why it wants to destroy Ney York. Some kids are having a party when suddenly the city is attacked and all hell breaks lose. The entire film is filmed by a guy called Hud through a handheld video camera. Yes, 100% of the movie is from a first-person perspective. It’s interesting because you actually feel like you’re there, running for your life, but it can make you dizzy, like, in the first 3 minutes. Some theaters even posted motion sickness warnings so people knew what they were getting into. After a while you kind of get used to it and get too involved in the action to care.



The movie only lasts 1:13 and the first 18 minutes are spent presenting the characters. It’s a bit boring, but necessary or else you wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about them when the carnage begins. After the Statue of Liberty’s decapitated head falls right in front on Rob’s (Michael Stahl-David) apartment, he and four other people set out to look for Beth (Odette Yustman), Rob’s best friend and romantic interest. The events Rob and crew have to go through in an attempt to save her shows how strong their love is. The monster’s presence and threat is always there, but I really felt like the love story was just as strong. I guess I’m a hopeless romantic.

So… what’s the monster like? This whole paragraph is about the creature, so skip to the next one if you want it to be a surprise. Right, so the monster’s origin is a secret, because the movie tells you nothing about it. It’s just here and now, destroying everything for no apparent reason. Since the whole movie is seen through Hud’s video camera and he doesn’t know what the hell is going on there’s no way for us to know what’s happening. I can understand that, but still, it sucks not knowing what the hell it’s going on. The viral marketing gave some hints, and there are some theories floating around, but I’ll get to that later. OK, the monster. It’s a bit of a disappointment. After so much hype I was expecting to have my mind blown away, but I just wasn’t impressed. It looks like a big iguana, with useless tiny T-Rex-like arms in its chest. It also has breathing sacks on its face that look like testes. I’m not kidding. There’s nothing scarier than a pissed off giant iguana with testicles in its head if you think about it. The creature, or Clovey as everyone’s calling it, doesn’t have fire breath or shoots lasers from its tiny eyes, no, it only slashes and stomps. It does, however, spawn little versions of itself about the size of a crocodile. Those things are vicious little boogers. So even if Clovey is a bit shitty in design he’s still scary and very dangerous.



Um… you might also want to skip this paragraph. I promise the next one is spoiler-free. OK, so where the hell did Clovey come from? During a scene that happened roughly a month before the attack on NY you can see an object fall from the sky right into the ocean. Is it a meteor? A spaceship? No, it’s a satellite. So what does the satellite have to do with Clovey? Well, producer J.J. Abrams said the creature had been sleeping deep in the ocean for thousands of years and now its awake and super pissed. There seems to be a connection between the satellite and Clovey waking up, but I’m not sure what it is yet. Now, here’s another interesting theory. The going-away party was because Rob got a job at Tagruato, a Japanese drilling company. They drill the Atlantic seabed to extract a nectar used as an ingredient for a drink called Slusho. One of Tagruato’s oiling facilities was destroyed by an unknown sea creature, and then a tanker full of Slusho that was heading to NY was also destroyed by the creature. Clovey clearly doesn’t like Slusho. Some believe Slusho’s secret ingredient is actually blood, or some other liquid from Clovey’s body. Having huge drills milking you while you’re taking an undersea nap would piss you off too. No one knows Clovey’s origins for sure, but perhaps a sequel/prequel will help clarify things.

Cloverfield was made with a $25 million budget. That’s very low budget for a film these days, but it’s a big success at the box office so it certainly payed off. The effects are not fantastic, but because of the shaky camera they don’t need to be spectacular to be effective, so you won’t mind at all. There’s not a lot of room to act, so forget any Oscar nominations here. The best lines were given to Hud, my favorite character and comic relief. Slow through the first 18 minutes, exhilarating through the other 55 minutes, and nausea-inducing throughout. Try to avoid watching the film alone or with people who already saw it. Trust me, the experience will be about 50% less fun. Be sure to watch until the credits stop for a hint at a possible sequel.

Score:

Game Preview: The Club

Imagine an organization so hidden and secretive, that only a few people around the globe know of its existence. Powerful leaders in The Club "recruit" outsiders to fight in their violent underground blood spot, like ancient gladiators. The combatants have only one option: kill or be killed.

At first glance, Sega’s The Club looks like every other shooting game out there. Big guys carrying even bigger guns running around killing everybody. Been there, done that. But on closer inspection you realize there’s more to it than that. Developed by Bizarre Creations, the guys behind Project Gotham Racing, The Club feels more like an arcade game than your typical shooting game.



The objectives of the game are simple: kill everybody as fast as you can. The camera is behind your character’s shoulder, similar to Gears of War, but unlike that game you won’t be finding cover behind walls and obstacles or you will lose. On the contrary, the game encourages you to sprint as fast as possible, killing off your enemies in as little time as possible to score massive points and combos. You get more points the closer you get to shooting an enemy’s head, with head shots giving you the most points, and satisfaction. This is why it feels like an arcade game. No time to waste staring at the pretty graphics.

I must admit my adrenaline was pumped while blazing through the levels, especially in Time Attack mode. The timer is constantly depleting, like, super fast, and only killing your opponents fills it up a bit. You also have to find and shoot clock signs hidden throughout the levels, which improve your chances of success. Did I mention there’s also a set target score for each difficulty level? Yes, you’ll have to beat a time limit and a target score.

With four levels of difficulty, 20 different kinds of weapons, 8 massive stages, a time attack mode, tournaments, and intense multiplayer it seems like The Club will be a sadistic fun ride, at least until the next big shooter comes along.

Wii Virtual Console Review: Virtua Fighter 2

Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega
Console: Genesis
Release Date: 1996

The second Virtua Fighter tournament sees every original fighter returning, plus two newcomers: the young and agile Lion Rafale and the old drunken master Shun Di. Oh wait, my bad, this is the Genesis port and Lion and Shun Di are inexplicably absent. That’s right, take one of the best parts of the arcade game, the new characters, and completely remove them for the port. Way to go, Sega! Dammit, if the Genesis can’t handle that many characters or moves, then maybe the Genesis is not the best console to port a complex 3D fighting game to.

The game’s graphics are not awful, but by 1996 the Saturn, PlayStation and Nintendo 64 were already out and could deliver true 3D graphics, so this Genesis port ends up looking pretty bad. The game uses 2D graphics for the characters and weird, horribly pixelated parallax backgrounds that resemble buildings and trees. The characters are stiffer than boards and the animation is profoundly lame. There are only a handful of stages and they are recycled with different colors. Super lame. I hope someone can someday tell me why they nixed Lion and Shun Di but could add Dural, the final boss, as a hidden playable character. Even weirder than that, she appears all blocky like she did in the arcade. The game has 2D sprites so why the hell was she drawn blocky? Her stage is an underwater ruin and makes the battle take forever with intentional slowdown. Underwater, slow movements… oh I get it, it’s supposed to be realistic. If it’s realistic why are people fighting a metallic woman under the sea? I’ll just never understand why Sega released this turd.



The controls are also terrible. After playing for over an hour I had performed a total of zero throws on my opponents, but had been thrown more times than I could count. What’s up with that? Jumping is as useless as in the arcade, so at least that’s accurate. The game is somewhat playable, but I rather wrestle with my opponents instead of the controller.

Now for the worst part; the sound. Everyone knows the Genesis’ sound chip was ass when it came to voice samples, but some games managed to pull this off. Sadly, Virtua Fighter 2 has some of the worst if not the worst voice samples ever. Even the NES did a better job. Besides the regular grunts and screams each character has an unintentionally funny winning quote or laugh that will make you either run for the nearest bible out of sheer terror or end up in a hospital’s emergency room from laughing so hard. The worst sounds, by far, are Wolf’s howl and Pai Chan’s laugh. Every single music track is bad enough to cause brain tumors.



The arcade and Saturn versions of Virtua Fighter 2 were awesome, hell, even the PC version was good. The Sega Genesis was a cool console with many memorable games, but this was not one of them. Greed can be a powerful ally, but it can also ruin the fun of a great fighting game by porting it to the wrong system. Spend your Wii points elsewere.

Score:

Movie Review: Balls of Fury

Starring:
Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, George Lopez, Maggie Q, James Hong, Robert Patrick, Thomas Lennon, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa

Director:
Robert Ben Garant (Reno 911! Miami)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for crude and sex-related humor, and for language.

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
Former ping pong pro Randy Daytona is down on his luck and down on his game when FBI agent Ernie Rodriguez recruits him for a mission he can't refuse -- to smoke out the evil Feng, his father's killer. With the help of a blind ping pong sage and an expert trainer, Daytona travels to Feng's jungle compound where he'll face a raft of formidable players en route to the prize.

My Two Cents:
Nobody gives a shit about ping pong, and having a life or death ping pong tournament with Christopher Walken as the ringleader is perhaps the biggest joke of all. The best ping pong players from around the world are invited to participate in this sudden death tournament that takes place in a secret location. Sounds familiar? Well, besides the ping pong part it sounds a lot like Mortal Kombat. On top of that, the guy that personally sends out the invites is Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, the guy that played Shang Tsung in the Mortal Kombat movie. Isn’t that cool?

You’ll notice there are a few actors you’ve previously seen on Comedy Central’s Reno 911! and that’s because the film is directed by Robert Ben Garant, who plays Deputy Travis Junior, and also directed the movie version of that show. I happen to like Reno 911! and have enjoyed his work since he was in MTV’s The State back in 1993.

The main character, Randy Daytona, is played by Dan Fogler. He’s not as recognized as Jack Black (Shallow Hal) or Seth Rogen (Knocked Up), but that could change. This guy is pretty funny. Maybe it’s because he looks like a fat piece of shit, but he also has nice comedic timing critical to any leading funnyman. I’m looking forward to this guy in upcoming movies.



The rest of the cast does a good job of being stupid asses as well. Christopher Walken seems incapable of saying “no” to a job, so he’ll appear in every roll he is offered. That’s alright, because he really seems to have fun in this movie playing Feng, the creepy, freaky and a little gay main bad guy. James Hong plays a blind ping pong master that falls down a lot. We all saw that coming, but his lines are among the funniest. My favorite quote: “Ping Pong is not the Macarena. It takes patience. She is like a fine, well-aged prostitute. It takes years to learn her tricks. She is cruel, laughs at you when you are naked, but you keep coming back for more, and more! Why? Because she is the only prostitute I can afford...”

With a title like “Balls of Fury” you can not expect Shakespeare-like dialog or a love story like Titanic. You do get absolute stupidity, ridiculous characters and an absurd plot. Sounds like shit, I know, but it works to some degree. Some people don’t “get” comedies like this one so they bash them. I say “fuck you” to everyone that watches a comedy with “balls” in the title and expects Oscar-worthy screenplays and performances. Exchange your brain for a bowl of popcorn and you’ll find yourself laughing at the stupidity that is Balls of Fury.

Score:

Game Music Test

You might have collected all 120 stars in Super Mario 64, found all 13 skulls in Halo 3, acquired every piece of heart in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and unlocked every multiplayer character skin in Resistance: Fall of Man. But can you guess these five songs from five different old-school games? Bonus points if you also know the video's intro and outro songs.

Babes of Gaming: I-No

Little is known about this time-traveling, guitar-playing diva from the Guilty Gear fighting game series. She is a loyal follower and servant of “That Man”, the mysterious entity responsible for the Holy Wars. I-No is kind of a jerk, constantly insulting everyone around her and making naughty sexual comments. Her desire to please That Man often drives her to act recklessly, beating the shit out of people that may have been potential obstacles for him without his permission. This occasionally results in I-No being punished by her master. She probably enjoys it anyway.

I-No’s character design is based on Japanese singer and guitarist Ringo Shiina, right down to her sexy mole, her Duesenberg Starplayer guitar, and even her November 25 birthday. As with every other Guilty Gear character, I-No’s special moves are named after popular songs and albums. These include “Chemical Love” (Stevie Wonder), “Last Will and Testament” (The Lurkers), and “Megalomania” (Aria). Her stage in Guilty Gear XX has the word “Innuendo” in the background, a reference to an album by Queen, and one of her winning poses has I-No playing part of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Mr. Crowley” on her guitar.

Movie Review: Crank

Starring:
Jason Statham, Amy Smart, José Pablo Cantillo, Dwight Yoakam, Efren Ramirez, Carlos Sanz, Reno Wilson

Director:
Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor

MPAA Rating:
R for strong violence, pervasive language, sexuality, nudity and drug use.

Release Date:
September 2006

Synopsis:
Hit man Chev Chelios tears through the streets of Los Angeles in a race to save his own life and his girlfriend Eve in this ticking time bomb of a thriller. The freelance killer is poisoned when a mob job goes wrong, and the clock starts ticking when Chelios learns he can elude death if he keeps his adrenaline pumping. With no time to waste, Chelios rampages through the city hoping to save Eve and find an antidote.

My Two Cents:
Playing out more as a dark comedy than a thriller, Crank delivers all that the trailer promised; intense nonstop action. It’s great that the movie doesn’t take itself too seriously because, like both Transporter movies, it’s filled with unrealistic stuns and impossible situations. But unlike The Transporter, I didn’t mind and even wanted more crazy stuff.

When Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) wakes up feeling like shit after being injected with a poison called the Beijing Cocktail that will kill him in about an hour, he slowly realizes the only way to delay the Grim Reaper's visit is to pump his adrenaline level through the roof, keeping his heart beating as fast as he can. Being a hit man he won’t just try to find an a cure for his condition, he also wants revenge on the assholes who did this to him.



Jason Statham (War, The Italian Job) is the perfect actor for this role because he only needs to kick ass and look cool while doing it, and that’s pretty much what he does in all his movies. Amy Smart (Road Trip) plays Eve, his girlfriend, and country music singer Dwight Yoakam (Panic Room) plays Miles, his doctor. The bad guys are played by unknowns, but they do their job well enough not to suck or overact.

The movie is over in less than 90 minutes and the action is fast and furious from start to finish thanks to some nifty editing and a nice pacing. There are video game references, plenty of naked chicks, a high body count, a sex scene in public, and an interesting “what the fuck?” ending. Oh right, there are also a few shots of Statham’s bare ass for the ladies. If adrenaline-pumping action with little plot is what you crave, Crank is what you should watch.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Jan 25-27

What the hell happened this weekend? Rambo debuted at #2, losing the top spot to Meet the Spartans. How did that happen? I guess people were not that interested in a 61-year-old Vietnam War veteran slaughtering Thais. Another interesting thing is that Cloverfield dropped from 1st spot to the 4th, losing serious steam as people no longer give a fuck about the lame-looking monster.

1. Meet the Spartans
This week: $18,725,000

Total: $18,725,000

2. Rambo
This week: $18,150,000
Total: $18,150,000

3. 27 Dresses
This week: $13,600,000
Total: $45,347,000

4. Cloverfield
This week: $12,700,000 - Total: $64,294,000

5. Untraceable
This week: $11,200,000 - Total: $11,200,000

6. Juno
This week: $10,300,000 - Total: $100,152,000

7. The Bucket List
This week: $10,210,000 - Total: $57,684,000

8. There Will Be Blood
This week: $4,887,000 - Total: $14,764,000

9. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
This week: $4,664,000 - Total: $205,421,000

10. Mad Money
This week: $4,610,000 - Total: $15,284,000

Owned!

It doesn't get any worst than this. You're trying to take some pictures of your favorite celebrity when suddenly he grabs you and tears you in half. It’s time for Raiden to look for a better pastime.

Cool Collectibles: Boba Fett Kotobukiya Statue

Kotobukiya is one of my favorite manufacturers of kick ass collectible statues and their new Bounty Hunter series from Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back looks to be among their finest works yet. All six bounty hunters (Bossk, 4-LOM, Dengar, Zuckuss, IG-88 and Boba Fett) will be released separately, starting with Boba Fett. Each statue will come with a bonus piece that when combined form a full size statue of Darth Vader. How cool is that? The bases they come in can be linked together from any side to form the Galactic Empire logo, or whatever formation you want to use to display them.




Here’s Boba Fett, the most famous bounty hunter in that galaxy far, far away. He stands about 11 3/4 inches high and comes with Darth Vader’s left arm. The level of detail is sick, as usual. He seems to be flying and shooting his flamethrower at the same time. Look for him in specialty shops in April 2008.

Game Preview: Devil May Cry 4

With the exception of part 2, the Devil May Cry series has been great fun. Capcom has just released a demo of Devil May Cry 4 for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 and here are my impressions.

The demo is divided into two parts. On the first you can play through a bunch of the game’s environments for 10 minutes. What you do in those 10 minutes is up to you. The other part pits you against a few Frost enemies (remember them from the first DMC?) and then a boss fight with Berial, a big ass fire demon. There’s no time limit here but it’s all over way too quickly. As a demo it works because in the first part you’d like to just stare at the gorgeous graphics and jump all over the place breaking boxes, benches, crates and stuff to collect red orbs but you can’t because of the annoying time limit, and on the second part the stage ends when you beat Berial and with practice you can own him pretty quickly and easily. You end up with an itchy trigger finger and a thirst for demon blood. Capcom’s Dead Rising demo was similar and I ended up buying the game just because the demo was so damn fun.

In the demo you only play as Nero, the newcomer who looks way too much like Dante and controls almost identical. The only difference is that he only has one handgun instead of two and has glowing hand that does more than look cool. That hand (glove?) is called the Devil Bringer, and can make Nero perform powerful throws, travel to hard-to-reach places, like Link’s hookshot. Nero pulls of devastating combos with his sword, handgun and Devil Bringer, killing off enemies with just a few hits. I’m guessing the demo is set to easy.

The music is rocking, as expected, and all the familiar sound effects from previous games are back and sounding better than ever thanks to in-game Dolby Digital surround sound.

I’m really looking forward to the full game, that should be released on February 5 on both consoles. Fans of the series will not be disappointed.

Game Preview: Turok

It’s been 6 years since the last Turok game was released on the PlayStation 2, Turok: Evolution. That game sucked so bad it almost completely killed the franchise. Now, Propaganda Games and Touchstone Studios (I’ve never heard of them before either) are resurrecting Turok on the Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC this February. The game will simply be called Turok.

Even thought I wasn’t expecting much from a game studio I’ve never heard about I was still disappointed by the demo. It’s better than Turok: Evolution, but Popeye on the NES was better that Evolution, so that’s not saying much. It’s all so average and ugly. It runs on the Unreal Engine 3, the same one used for Gears of War, but doesn’t look even half as good as Gears. The character models are ugly and the background textures are boring and very last generation. The weapons are not impressive and the dinosaurs are lame. The most fun I had was using the combat knife, pulling off one hit kills when an enemy or reptile gets too close.

I’ve heard good things about the multiplayer modes but I don’t know if that’s reason enough to buy it. Maybe I’ll rent it and write a proper review. The again, maybe not.

Movie Review: Shoot 'Em Up

Starring:
Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci, Stephen McHattie, Daniel Pilon, Ramona Pringle

Director:
Michael Davis (Beanstalk, Monster Man)

MPAA Rating:
R for pervasive strong bloody violence, sexuality and some language.

Release Date:
September 2007

Synopsis:
When a mysterious loner named Mr. Smith delivers a woman's baby during an intense shoot-out, he inadvertently lands himself at odds with the ruthless Mr. Hertz. Aided by the enigmatic Donna Quintano, Mr. Smith is tasked with protecting the newborn from Hertz and his henchmen.

My Two Cents:
If I had to describe this movie in two words they would be “gun porn”. There is so much shooting that I actually got tired of it in the first 10 minutes. I often like one man armies, but this Smith (Clive Owen) guy is just ridiculous. He shoots while jumping, sliding, running, sleeping, having sex and even skydiving. All his bullets seem to have a homing device because the fucker doesn’t miss. The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously but even then all these stunts ruined it for me. Some of the quotes were pretty cool, like “Fuck you, you fucking fuckers” and “The leader who stays in the rear, takes it in the rear”.

If this was a full blown comedy like The Naked Gun or maybe even Rush Hour I wouldn’t have minded, but even those movies have better plots. Mr. Smith doesn’t give a shit about anything and hates everything, all except Donna Quintano (Monica Bellucci), a prostitute that produces breast milk without being pregnant. That’s… sick. She’s fully hot, especially for her age and you get to see her exposed boobs twice, but the thought is still sickening.



Smith’s archrival is Mr. Hertz (Paul Giamatti), an actor I really enjoy and certainly the most entertaining character in Shoot ‘Em Up. He has the best quotes or maybe the worst, depending on how you see it. He hides his job as a professional criminal from his wife, taking her calls in the middle of his dirty deeds. This could have been funny the first time, but it happens too frequently and it also showed during the movie’s trailer, so the joke was already ruined for me.

The two Transporter films were full of impossible stunts, but Shoot ‘Em Up is the new king of the unbelievable. At least Jason Statham is cool. Clive Owen is a stiff, emotionless killing robot. He was great in Children of Men and was nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award for his performance in Closer. So what the hell happened here? At least the movie is only a little over one hour, and it’ll take even less for you to forget you ever watched it.

Score: