Movie Review: Transformers: The Movie

Starring: Judd Nelson, Robert Stack, Leonard Nimoy, Orson Welles, Lionel Standish, Frank Welker, Peter Cullen, Erin Idle, Chris Latta


Director: Nelson Shin


Release Date: August 8, 1986

MPAA Rating: PG

Synopsis: After a tragic defeat and death of their leader, the Autobots must flee the pursuit of the Decepticons, and solve the mystery of the monster planet orbiting Cybertron.



My Two Cents:

So since I reviewed the Transformers film from last summer, let me now review the original Transformers: The Movie, from 1986. This was a very special, perhaps crucial, part of my childhood, and one I will carry with me always. As I said in my Transformers review, a lot of people said that movie made them ‘feel like a kid again’, but not me. This is the movie that makes me feel like a kid; it’s instant nostaliga from the very beginning. All those memories from my childhood come rushing back. Now, if you didn’t watch the old TV show, or didn’t have or play with the toys, then unfortunately, this movie will not mean the same thing to you, at all. I can understand why if people in that situation watch this movie, and don’t like it, would find it cheesy, etc. It can be hard to really appreciate if you didn’t live your childhood with these things. That doesn’t mean you can’t, but you’ll have a much harder time doing so. The animation and art work themselves are experiences to marvel; I love them. This is what Transformers are all about, and always will be, to me. A lot of different incarnations of Transformers have come and gone, but this movie largely demonstrates what they are really all about.

I’m going to get into spoilish material here, so beware.

The movie is basically a classic battle of good and evil. It doesn’t have a very deep plot and doesn’t really make you think deeply about anything. But there isn’t anything really wrong with that in itself either. We have the Autobots still battling with the Decepticons, who, in the year 2006, when this movie takes place (20 years into the future from when the movie was released), have taken over the Transformers’ homeworld, Cybertron. The Autobots continue to fight to regain control and defeat the Decepticons. They still have important bases on Earth, however, and we see (the very orange) Autobot City as their biggest Earthbound base. The Decepticons hijack an Autobot shuttle going to Autobot City, in which they plan to launch a sneak attack.





Megatron- classic badass villain


And the Decepticons REALLY fight to win in this movie. A lot of Transformers die in this movie, actually, and a lot of kids probably saw some of their favorite Transformers actually die before their eyes. And you KNOW these robots are DEAD, trust me. Transformers get shot, blown up from the outside, blown up from the inside, are disintegrated, and just get mutilated. Most of the time, this happens to Autobots, but not always.





Optimus Prime, badly damaged


The battle in Autobot City is where Optimus Prime and Megatron have their final fight, and it’s a great one. They just beat the shit out of each other, like we had never seen before. But a lot of kids were possibly traumatized, or at least very saddened because, as Optimus Prime said ‘One shall stand, one shall fall’ (this line was also used in the new film). Optimus is the one who really fell. He died in this movie, in what I still call a powerful scene. That broke a lot of kids’ hearts to see the great Optimus actually die. How could they do this to kids? Well...at least kids still had the toys, where Optimus, and all their favorites, could always come alive.




Optimus Prime, Dead


We see a lot of Autobots dead, but I had to wonder exactly how many Autobots were in the city, and how many died. This is a point I’ll get back to later in this review. In the seasons after the movie, there are a lot of Autobots we don’t see again, so I wondered if they were killed in the city. What happened to Bluestreak, Warpath, Beachcomber, Tracks, Trailbreaker, Inferno, Cosmos, Grapple, Hoist, Gears (for some odd reason, Gears is listed as being in this movie in the credits, but he wasn’t there, and certainly had no lines...), Skyfire, Sideswipe, Smokescreen, Sunstreaker (we do see him in the movie, but not what happens to him, and he doesn’t appear again, after the movie), and others? Did they all get killed? Possibly.

One of the things this movie did was make way for all-new Transformers; sort of like ‘the next generation’, but I don’t know if I’d call it that. But the movie was clearly meant to be the beginning of a new age for the Transformers. We meet new Autobots Ultra Magnus, Springer, Arcee (a rare feminine Transformer. Some had appeared in episodes before the movie, but they were scarce), Blurr, Wheelie, Hot Rod and Kup. The movie focuses mostly on them, especially after the battle in the city. The Decepticons get their all-new leader, Galvatron, and his loyal minions Cyclonus and Scourge, and his henchmen, the Sweeps. These guys are all bad-ass, and I sure loved them all as a kid. Megatron was very sadistic, and loved torturing the Autobots, but Galvatron was different in that his attitude seemed to be ‘Just kill them’. And that’s all his minions lived for. Bad ass.


We are also introduced to one of the most celebrated and loved villains in Transformers history; Unicron. We see Unicron at the beginning of the movie, and his appearance doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the movie at first, but it becomes clear after the city battle. Unicron is super-bad ass; he’s literally a planet that eats other planets. He’s like a different kind of Death Star (an analogy that James Rolfe also made). However, Unicron is also clearly some kind of metaphysical evil being as well. He has some strange powers; he seems to have some sort of extrasensory ability, as he was able to see Optimus Prime die, and pass on leadership to Ultra Magnus. This may have something to do with the fact that Optimus passes along the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, simply referred to as the Matrix (Yeah, that’s right. When the movie The Matrix came out, all I could think about was Transformers when I heard the title...), to Ultra Magnus, and Unicron wants the Matrix destroyed, as it’s the only thing that can destroy him. This connection isn’t explained really, but in some ways, it doesn’t need to be. Unicron is the ultimate evil the Autobots have encountered, and the Matrix is something like the ultimate good that can destroy him. Fair enough. The Autobots eventually learn of Unicron and set out to somehow stop him, after the city battle.




Unicron- Bad Ass.


Unicron also has the power to change other Transformers. After the Decepticons leave Autobot City, being somewhat defeated, the bodies of the most-damaged Decepticons are dumped into space; including Megatron, and by Starscream. At least, Starscream is getting his wish of being Decepticon leader. The discarded Decepticons encounter Unicron, who he claims ‘summoned’ them to him, and in exchange for his ownership of them, Unicron gives them new bodies and new identities. Megatron becomes Galvatron, and the other Decepticons with him become the new super-warriors Cyclonus, Scourge and the Sweeps. The scene in which these Decepticons change is really neat, and you see ‘x-rays’ of what they look like inside.



This is what the inside of a Transformer looks like


We also meet another new set of infamous Transformer villains; the Quintessons. The name comes from the fact that they have five faces, or rather, in the movie, there is only one of these particular beings (referred to as ‘the Imperial Magistrate’). In the TV show after the movie, there’s 4 or 5 of the 5-faced ones. The other inhabitants of the Quintesson world, Quintessa, are also referred to as Quintessons, even though they only have one face, and all look different. The Quintessons are evil and sadistic, like Megatron, and basically, they live to do nothing but kill everything they meet. They hold ‘trials’ for everyone they capture, and everyone is always found ‘innocent’. Now, ordinarily, this means that when one is innocent in court, they are let free. Not on Quintessa. All innocent ones, which is basically everyone, are still executed. They are dropped into the Sharkticon pit, where they are eaten. T he Sharkticons...look nothing like sharks, but rather they are rotund Transformers with a lot of shark-like teeth, and spiked tails. The other Quintessa inhabitants are the prosecutor, whose head is shaped like a Xenomorph’s, the executor, the Sharkticon Guards, and another set of Transformers, whose name I am not sure of. They transform into somewhat alligator-like beasts. A Sharkticon toy was made, but not any of these other guys. I always wished that I had some...




The Quintesson Imperial Magistrate


Also, when Hot Rod’s team crashes on Quintessa, Kup teaches us the ‘universal greeting’. So this movie is educational.

Eventually, the Autobots make it to Unicron, who starts attacking Cybertron. But before he does, he reveals his secret; he’s really a giant Transformer. This may not be that ‘surprising’, but his transformation scene is really awesome. And after he’s all done, we see Galvatron actually looking afraid at what he is seeing. Certainly, he’s more than shocked. I always love seeing that, too.

As you may have guessed, the Autobots do prevail, and the Matrix is used to stop Unicron. He isn’t comepletely destroyed though; his head becomes Cybertron’s new satellite. And the Autobots get a new leader. Before he dies, Optimus tells the Autobots that ‘one day, an Autobot shall rise from our ranks, and use the power of the Matrix to light our darkest hour’. Hot Rod fulfills his destiny, and becomes Rodimus Prime. Some of the metaphysical aspects of the Matrix are also demonstrated, as Hot Rod GROWS, literally, when he becomes Rodimus, his face has ‘age lines’; he simply looks like he’s an older robot. He is also now able to transform into a different vehicle; from a muscle car, into a Winnebago-ish vehicle.

Again, there is nothing deep about this movie, and one could easily criticize it for not having enough plot. But well, it’s only 88 minutes to begin with, and it does move fast. But I still call it a great movie experience. Yes, most of that comes from my childhood, but I still enjoy the movie even today. I love the animation and art work, and it just demonstrates what I think Transformers are all about.

The music also helps create a unique atmosphere as well. The score was composed by Vince DiCola, who was nominated for a Golden Globe for Staying Alive, but also won a Razzie for Worst Musical Score, for Rocky IV. I like his music in this movie though; it’s very well-done atmospheric mood music. It may be dated, but I think it still works. Unicron’s theme is particularly memorable, and I also like the theme of the Decepticons. I think there are also some nice moments during Optimus’s death, and when Hot Rod finds himself deep inside Unicron. I’ll always remember those, if nothing else...

But I also have to make note of the soundtrack; 1980’s hair metal. Yeah. But they’re all songs by people you’ve probably never heard of, and who probably stopped existing many years ago....James Rolfe called this music and Transformers ‘the perfect marriage’, and he’s right. Trust me, it does work. It all fits in perfectly. It wouldn’t work as well today, most likely, and certainly not in a film like the new one though...Also, it has a great placement of Weird Al’s Dare to be Stupid. Yeah, it’s awesome.

And of course, the most memorable songs from this movie are Dare, and The Touch, by Stan Bush (the latter was...badly sung by Dirk Diggler, in Boogie Nights...). You might think they’re bad, but I find them to be feel-good songs. And...they just....fit right in.




Sharkticons don't look like sharks.


I cannot review this movie without also talking about the cast, of course. It has a lot of stars in it, really; Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron, Robert Stack as Ultra Magnus. Judd Nelson as Hot Rod, Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar, Kasey Casem as Cliffjumper (he was on the show all the time, too, though) and Orson Welles as Unicron. Yeah, he’s really bad ass in this movie. This was also Welles’s last movie before he died, and legend has it that he actually didn’t finish all his lines before he died, and Unicron’s last lines were given by Nimoy. Now, it really does sound like Welles, so I doubt this rumor is true. But if it is, then Nimoy can do an exact impersonation of Orson Welles. That in itself is really awesome. All of these stars actually do a really great job, and provide fitting voices for their characters; especially Unicron. He sounds menacing and forboding. All the more reason Unicron was a great villain, and Welles went out with a bang.

Also, John Maschita, Jr., the Micro Machine Man, plays Blurr. Remember him? :D

You have a lot of the main cast members from the show playing their characters, too. Peter Cullen is Optimus Prime, and is great, and the great Frank Welker, who has been everywhere in cartoons, is Megatron, Soundwave, and all his tapes. (For the new film, they got Cullen back to play Optimus, but not Welker for Megatron. I wish they did, though...That would have made that movie better...) There are also a lot of miscellaneous voices that I really love, such as the Quintessons and their various ranks. It’s all just classic.

Now, there are some things that kind of bug me about this movie, or at least, are things to note:

-There are 5 Dinobots, but for most of this movie, only 4 appear. I say ‘most of the movie’ because the missing Dinobot, Snarl, does appear. In ONE scene. But that’s it. He does not appear at any time before that (not even when the other Dinobots drop into the city), and right after that shot where you can briefly see him, he’s gone. This is obviously an animators’ error, I’d guess, but a weird one.

-Something that always bothered me about the Transformers is the fact that some Transformers can alter their size to fit certain needs. For example, the most known example is Megatron transforming into a Walther P-38, but shrinking down to hand gun size so that he can be fired by another Decepticon. Sometimes certain Transformers can become VERY huge so they can transport large numbers of them. In this movie, we see AstroTrain do that when the Decepticons leave the city. Also, Cyclonus, in his space jet (or..starfighter, maybe) form enlarges so much so that Galvatron can sit inside the cockpit. And of course, there’s Devestator. The Constructicons are a special team that can transform and combine to form a super-robot, Devestator. Now, on the TV show, Devestator was always HUGE. The Constructicons somehow enlarge themselves so that Devestator’s parts are massive. If your standard Transformer is 30-50 feet tall, Devestator was well over 100 feet tall. 150 feet maybe, even (in the movie though, they did cut him down A LOT. He wasn’t nearly as huge). How the Hell did he BECOME that huge? How do Transformers shrink or grow when they need to?? It’s never explained, and also doesn’t really make sense anyway.


-When Megatron and his forces are reconstructed by Unicron, Scourge and his Sweeps (that sounds like a heavy metal band, doesn’t it?) all look the same, so you have to wonder how you tell them apart. And...what are the names of the other two Sweeps? Do they even have names? Also, when Cyclonus is created, there’s two of them, too. The second one is never given a name. All Unicron says is ‘Cyclonus the warrior, and his armada’. But then, after that, this second Cyclonus disappears. Like Snarl, he also doesn’t appear in any more scenes. So what happens to him?? What the Hell is the deal?

-On the subject of Scourge, this isn’t a ‘problem’ with the movie, but it’s just a weird thing. What the Hell does Scourge transform into?? He...flies, and can fly through space, so I guess he’s a ‘starfighter’ or something. But...he doesn’t LOOK like anything. Well...except a boat. He looks like a boat. A flying boat. That’s what I used to always call him when I was a kid. It’s...just weird. Also, what’s funny about Scourge is he has pink fingertips. Yeah. Pink. Just....weird.




Scourge and the Sweeps; Flying Boats



-Another Scourge-related issue; there’s one scene in which, including Scourge, there are 4 Sweeps. When Scourge and the Sweeps are all created, there are only 3. Again, clearly another animators’ error, but still not a pretty blatant one.

-Although a lot of Transformers die in this movie, there is apparently some secret to saving them. Wreck-Gar and the Junkions, on the junk planet (Uh, fitting, non?) seem to know how to bring back dead Transformers. If you get blown apart, they know how to just put you back together and...you’re alive again. So now I have to wonder, once the Autobots make friends with the Junkions, why didn’t they bring Optimus and the other dead Autobots to be ‘reactivated’ or..’fixed’, or whatever? Yeah, I know; if you’re really actually dead, they probably can’t bring you back. It’s just something to point out.

-During the attack on Autobot City, Perceptor says the Decepticons outnumber the Autobots. Well...how many is that? The problem is, we know all the Decepticons that Megatron brings with him, but we don’t know how many Autobots were in the city, or even with certainty how many were killed. Megatron’s attack force includes: Megatron, Soundwave, his 5 tapes, Starscream, AstroTrain, Blitzwing, Thundercracker, SkyWarp, Dirge, Thrust, Ramjet, Shrapnel, Kickback, Bombshell, Scrapper, Hook, Mixmaster, Longhaul, Scavenger, and Bonecrusher. That’s a sizely and powerful force, but they were supposed to be against an entire city of Autobots. And...the Autobots were actually ‘outnumbered’ by the Decepticons? Boy....there really must not have been many Autobots in the city....It would have been different if Perceptor had said they were outgunned, or just not strong enough to defend against the Decepticons. And that would have made sense, since the Decepticons really, really wreck the shit out of the city. There is one shot that shows the city from above after the attack, and...the city is almost completely gone. But no, Perceptor said they were ‘outnumbered’. There’s something not right about that....

-And that’s another thing; are the Autobots just not good at building defenses? They had a ton in the city, but...the Decepticons just...destroy everything, and kill almost everyone.

-It’s not clear how far away Cybertron is from Earth, but Galvatron’s forces get there way too fucking fast. Unicron attacks the Autobots’ moonbases, with Galvatron watching from Cybertron, and Ultra Magnus receiving the distress calls in Autobot City. Literally, the Decepticons arrive in Autobot City like, a minute later, right after the Autobots receive the last transmissions. Or at least, it looks like it. You could explain it away that MAYBE Blaster tried to reconnect or something, and it took some time (Blaster is somehow missing after the last transmission, and does not escape Autobot City with Hot Rod or Ultra Magnus). But that’s really pushing it. It looks like right after they receive the last transmission, that’s when Ultra Magnus says to board the shuttles. Then Galvatron appears right after. MAYBE the Decepticon ship has some kind of...hyperspace-like ability or something, but we are not TOLD this. Another example of...very poor planning.




Galvatron and Cyclonus; so bad ass they don't NEED to make sense


As far as I’m concerned, this is the best and greatest Transformers story now, and ever will be. A large part of that are the nostalgia and connection to my childhood, but also, a great many Transformers series and incarnations have come and gone in the 22 years since this movie was released, and absolutely nothing compares. We had Beast Wars, which I despise, and a number of Transformers anime series (Robots in Disguise, Armada, Energon, and Cybertron. and there’s even more in Japan, but trust me, they don’t look that good), and they all fail to come anything close to this movie, in any sense. They’re all just...not very good. There’s also the brand new Transformers Animated, which is a weird title because it makes it seem like the Transformers have never been animated before. I’m...not touching that series....It’s just....so very wrong. It’s awful...

We’ve also had new Transformers comics emerge, and sadly, most of those are also just not good. The now-out-of-business Dreamwave Productions is responsible for bringing them back to comics, and their first story was very good, and was classic Transformers. After this movie, I’d call that book the last good Transformers story made. After that, it all went downhill. I sadly have no hope that anyone, ever, will give the Transformers the proper treatment they deserve again. I think a lot of fans like myself would love to see the original Transformers in a new series like this movie. That would be great. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like anyone has any interest in ever doing such a thing.

This movie reminds me what the Transformers are, and what they could be today, but never will be. That does disappoint me, but well, that’s just the way it is. I can always look at this movie and be reminded of what they meant to me as a kid, and the special place they have in my mind; and that determines what they mean to me now as well.





It's the Matrix, Neo. Uh, I mean, Hot Rod. I mean, Rodimus.

Movie Review: Rush Hour 3

Starring:
Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Max von Sydow, Hiroyuki Sanada, Yvan Attal, Noémie Lenoir, Tzi Ma

Director:
Brett Ratner (Money Talks, X-Men: The Last Stand)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for sequences of action violence, sexual content, nudity and language.

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
After the Triads attempt to assassinate a Chinese ambassador, Hong Kong Police Chief Inspector Lee and LAPD Detective James Carter wind up in Paris, where they're both out of their element - tasked with taking down the organized crime family.

The Good:
- It’s always amusing to see Chan and Tucker interact.
- Chris Tucker is back! I had not seen him since... well, since Rush Hour 2 in 2001.
- There has to be more good stuff but I can’t remember...
- Ahh yes, the bloopers at the end. Funny stuff!

The Bad:
- Yet another Chris Tucker Michael Jackson impersonation.
- Jackie Chan is getting old and his action scenes are a whole lot milder.
- I don’t think I laughed at any joke in this film.
- Ridiculous, over-the-top final showdown with the bad guy, Hiroyuki Sanada. Completely unoriginal and predictable.
- No Roselyn Sánchez.

The Ugly:
- That giant Chinese martial artists. What that done in CG? Freaky.
- Inspector Lee likes porn.
- Enough with the racial jokes. Blackanese, smelly Frenchman, etc. Not funny at all.



Bottom Line:
Brett Ratner and crew have squeezed all the milk this cow had to offer. It’s time to move on to other projects. I can only recommend this to diehard Rush Hour fans, if such fans exist.

Movie Review: Heavy Metal

Starring:
John Candy, Eugene Levy, John Vernon, Harold Ramis, Percy Rodríguez, Richard Romanus, Caroline Semple, Vlasta Vrana

Director:
Gerald Potterton

MPAA Rating:
R

Release Date:
August 7, 1981

Synopsis:
A time and space-transcending green orb links together various stories of those who encountered it.

My Two Cents:
This movie is weird. It’s pretty infamous for being just that. That, and violent. And having boobs. And it’s animated. But there is something remarkable about this movie as well that is worthy of praise and viewing.

Now, my synopsis sounds confusing, but... well, that ‘s basically what happens in this movie. A green, sentient orb, called the Loc-Nar, is the common theme/element in this anthology. It’s not really explained what this orb is exactly, except it describes itself as ‘the sum of all evils’. It’s also not clear what it really wants... but it’s evil. You do get the idea that it’s evil. And people all over time and space seek it out in an attempt to gain power. Now, you usually can’t touch it with your bare hands; it disintegrates you. I say ‘usually’ because there is a story in which someone picks it up with no problem, and carries it with him. I don’t think this is a continuity error; it was done on purpose for some reason. I’m just not sure what it is.

Anyway, the movie opens with the famous car flying through space and landing on Earth, and driving to a house. Yeah, that part makes no sense... But this is where the Loc-Nar appears, and for some reason, it wants to share some of its experiences with this now fatherless little girl. So all the stories in this unfold from the Loc-Nar telling them to this girl. I have no idea why the Loc-Nar cares what this girl thinks about any of this, and why the Loc-Nar wants the girl to know to begin with. The girl is probably not even listening because she’s too terrified that a big, green glowing ball has just killed her dad and is eventually going to kill her.

The stories all vary in subject and art style. It’s a wide variety, just the like the underground comic magazine, Heavy Metal, from which this is inspired from. It is inspired from works from such big-names as Dan O’Bannon, Bernie Wrightson, Richard Corben, Moebius, and others. As such, there is no uniform look to the stories of this movie.

The stories include:
Soft Landing: the intro part with the flying car in space. After it lands, the... astronaut drives to his house, where he releases the Loc-Nar for his daughter to see, and the Loc-Nar kills him, and begins telling his stories.

Harry Canyon: a cab driver of the same name in a futuristic, trash hole New York City takes in the fare of a woman on the run. She says the men after her want something she has; the Loc-Nar (although she didn’t know what it was, apparently). Harry helps her get the money for the Loc-Nar, but the woman double-crosses Harry to keep all the money. Harry kills her with a disintegrator in his backseat he uses to ward off robbers and carjackers. This story actually is very noir and pulpish, and reminds me of something you might see in Sin City. Only, you know, not in the future, and not with a time and space transcending orb.

Den: A boy named Dan finds the Loc-Nar, which he thinks is a meteorite. After conducting an experiment with lightning, the reaction with the Loc-Nar sends Dan into some other realm; another planet or universe. It’s not clear. In this world, the Loknar is worshipped as a god, and two opposing sides want to use its power. Also, Dan has turned into a big, muscular, naked adult named Den. He meets a girl, who is somehow also from Earth. He saves her from being sacrificed, but has to save her again. At the end, they fly away together on a giant bug. Den doesn’t want to go back to Earth, and seems to understand the Loc-Nar is evil anyway.

B-17: The pilot and co-pilot are the only two crew left alive on board a B-17, during World War II. The Loc-Nar appears and follows the plane, and then boards, turning the dead crew into zombies. The pilot escapes and lands on an island, which, not coincidentally I’m sure, is full of the wreckage of other planes, from both World Wars. And the dead crew are still around as well, sealing the pilot’s doom.



Captain Sternn: a futuristic space story in which Captain Sternn, who resembles Superman, is put on trial for a vast list of terrible crimes; 12 counts of first degree murder, 14 counts of armed theft ‘of Federation property’, 22 counts of piracy, 18 counts of fraud, 37 counts of rape (WTF???), and 1 moving violation. Good Lord, this guy is far beyond being an asshole or a scumbag. He’s been charged with 37 counts of rape??? That’s... just unspeakable and unthinkable... The trial is disrupted when Sternn’s witness he hired in his favor transforms, Hulk-style, and rampages after Sternn... until he gets his payment, that is. But Captain Stern double-crosses his witness in the end. Apparently, it was the Loc-Nar, which was the size of a marble in this story, that provided these transformation powers... but that is not clear. So Beautiful, So Dangerous: this is more or less the story with the least purpose. Two aliens and their robot abduct a woman from the Capitol Building and fly away. There... seems to be no real reason for this either. Except that the robot wanted to have sex with her. Yeah. Maybe that was the whole point of their breaking into the building. I can’t say. Also, the aliens just snort some form of alien coke and crash the ship anyway. What I do like about this story though is that their ship was shaped like a smiley face.

Taarna: This story is the highlight of the movie, and actually seems to be the whole end purpose of the movie. In yet another futuristic world, but still fantasy-looking, a band of barbarians became mutated (or otherwise transformed) when the Loc-Nar crashed into a volcano and... erupted green sludge all over them... The barbarians seek to conquer the land around them and attack the governing council. There is only one hope; the last warrior of the Taarna people. This is the woman on the front cover of the video, and poster. She never speaks, but she is a strong and skilled warrior, and sets out to take down the barbarians when she discovers who killed the council. She also swims naked to a statue where she gets her impractical and non-protective outfit, and sword. After she kills the barbarian leader, being critically wounded herself (uh, because she wears no armor), she rides her giant... bird thing... into the volcano of green sludge, where the Loc-Nar is. She must sacrifice herself to save the land. This is the story that seems to be the real point of the movie because the Loc-Nar telling the story to the girl is destroyed, and the girl is revealed to be... yet another of the Taarna. One of those giant birds appears somehow, and she rides away on it. Yeah, this all isn’t really clear, since it’s not explained. But transcending time and space is what this movie is all about.

The problem with this movie is that it has a lot of beautiful art, but it just doesn’t always look good when it’s moving, if that makes any sense. Some things in this movie just... look too weird when they are in motion, and would be best left as the comic work they are inspired or taken form. Some of the animation just looks kind of jerky and not too well-done anyway. It varies depending on what story it is.

However, this movie does deserve some credit for what it does have. Taarna in particular is great, and it has some beautiful background colors and backgrounds, period. There was no motion-capturing when this movie was made, but they used something else for this story. If I am not mistaken, the Taarna warrior was animated over footage of a model who performed her actions. Hence, the animation on her is often very smooth, and natural-looking. The segment where she is getting dressed is particularly notable, and beautiful to watch. But this movie all stringed together just makes for weird watching. Even if the Loc-Nar was explained more clearly, this is just a very odd movie. You’d really need to see it to even try to understand how odd it is. But I imagine there are weirder movies; like Eraserhead.



People always think about sex, boobs, nudity and violence when this movie comes up. Probably because this is non-Japanese animation that has all of those things. These things are not the..highlights or top points of the movie, I guess, but they do happen. If you think animated sex and boobs are weird, you’ll just find this movie to be more bizarre anyway.

This movie was recently parodied on an episode of South Park, and I thought it was awesome. They specifically had parodies of Soft Landing, B-17, and Taarna, of course. The episode particularly made a big deal about boobs, and exaggerated the use of boobs that are actually in this movie. But it was pretty funny.

You know what this movie also has is... big muff. I mean... yeah, they’re big. Do they even naturally grow that high? And... that thick? I just... want to point that out... *cough*

The other most noted thing about this movie is the soundtrack, which has... well, mostly rock. I wouldn’t say any of this music is exactly ‘heavy metal’ though... But it does have two songs titled ‘Heavy Metal’, one by Sammy Hagar, the other by Don Felder (Felder’s song was used in the South Park episode). Other artists include Devo, Blue Oyster Cult, Donald Fagen, Journey, and one of Homer Simpson’s favorite bands, Grand Funk Railroad. This makes the soundtrack feel very dated, but the music also feels appropriate for the movie anyway. I must say the tracks were all pretty well-chosen, and a lot of people consider this to be one of the greatest or best soundtracks ever, if not one of the greatest or best albums ever.

There is another Heavy Metal movie, Heavy Metal 2000 (originally entitled F.A.A.K.-2), which was released in 1999, but it contained only one story, and is far from being as appreciated and celebrated as this movie is. Also, according to Heavy Metal's web site, another movie might be made; this one being CG animation, as you might expect. But it also says it probably won’t have any of the stories in this movie in it; so in other words, this movie will not be a redux. It sounds like this movie is still up in the air though.

I think this movie is worth at least one watch, just to experience how weird it is, but also because there are aspects of it you can appreciate; especially if you’re a fan of funnybooks, probably. You might end up hating the movie, or just otherwise disliking it, but well... I said Legend was ‘something else’ in my review of that movie. This movie is...probably farther out there, making this movie even... more of a... ’something else’. You decide whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Movie Review: Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Starring:
Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman, Jason Bateman, Zach Mills, Ted Ludzik, Jonathan Potts, Paula Boudreau

Director:
Zach Helm

MPAA Rating:
G

Release Date:
November 2007

Synopsis:
When the 243-year-old Mr. Magorium discovers his health is failing, he turns over his fantastical toy store to the quiet, depressed manager, Molly Mahoney. Since the store reflects the energy of those who run it, Molly must work to lift her spirits and help the shop recapture its magic.

The Good:
- Natalie Portman is still cute as a button.
- Jason Bateman, known as the Mutant, is likeable for some reason.
- Some of the toys in the store look so retro you wish you could own some.
- There’s this one monkey plush toy that’s always trying to touch Jason Bateman’s character, but can’t. He’s just so adorable…
- There’s no singing.

The Bad:
- It’s a non-Disney, non-animated G-rated movie. Think about it.
- It is never explained how Mr. Magorium lived to be 243-years-old, or where he got his magical powers.
- When Molly discovers she can use her musical talents to control the store’s magic, she starts waving her arms around like an idiot as if she was conducting an orchestra. Believe me, you have never seen more awkward movements from a human being before.

The Ugly:
- Molly’s haircut makes her look boyish.
- Dustin Hoffman looks repulsive as Mr. Magorium, with his silly hair and oversized teeth.
- Little Eric Applebaum, the hat collector, has no friends because he’s weird, but then befriends a 39-year-old man and invites him to his room without his mom’s permission...



Bottom Line:

Leave this film for little kids who don't know any better, or if you MUST watch every Dustin Hoffman or Natalie Portman movie.

Movie Review: Legend

Starring:
Tom Cruise, Tim Curry, Mia Sara, David Bennent, Alice Playten, Billy Barty, Cork Hubbert, Peter O’Farrell, Anabelle Lanyon, Kiran Shah, Robert Picardo

Director:
Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner, Gladiator)

MPAA Rating:
PG

Release Date:
April 18, 1986

Synopsis:
Princess Lily upsets the cosmic balance of light and darkness, and freezes the beautiful land after touching a unicorn. Jack, her beloved friend and forest-dweller, must now stop the Lord of Darkness from achieving eternal dark and cold in the world, as well as from marrying his love, Lily.

My Two Cents:
If you didn’t watch this movie when you were a kid, and would only now see it for the first time as adult, you’re probably going to think this is a really weird movie to watch. And you may be in for quite a shock that this is a Ridley Scott movie. After he directed Alien and Blade Runner, but before he directed Gladiator and Hannibal, he directed Legend.

But this movie does have its fan and appreciators, and a lot of that is probably due to nostalgia. A lot of current fans probably did watch this when they were younger, and it just stays with them (Labyrinth has had a similar effect on a lot of people).

So you may wonder, especially given by the brief synopsis, why would Ridley Scott make this movie?? This is the man who gave us the masterpiece that is Alien, as well as Blade Runner. Well, he was actually inspired by a rendition of Beauty and the Beast, originally. Also, Scott has commented that there is something about the movie that seems and feels operatic, and that has occurred to me, too. It seems he also did want to just make a fairy tale type of movie, and specifically notes that he was inspired by old time Christmas cards; you know the kind I mean, with painted art work.

So anyway, this doesn’t necessarily feel like a ‘kids’ movie’, but it does have the kind of bizarre look and feelings that kids often like to see in movies. And again, if you have never seen this before, if you were to watch it as an adult, it’s going to feel weird, and you may actually hate it.

It’s not a really ‘bad’ movie, but... well, it’s just... I don’t know what else to say except that it feels weird at first. It even has... a couple of singing moments in it; Lily and Jack like to sing to each other. And you know, a lot of people also don’t like... fairy people. If that’s the case, well, almost everyone is some kind of fairy-type person, so just be warned.

Tim Curry is absolutely disturbing as the Lord of Darkness. But in a good way, not in a bad way, like when he played Pennywise... Yeah, I think Tim Curry essentially playing Lucifer is NOT as frightening as him playing a clown. I am dead serious.

Anyway, so yes, the Lord of Darkness (who has no other name given, if he even has one) is clearly supposed to be a Lucifer/Devil figure. He sure looks like one, with those HUGE horns, and hooves. I’d call him the highlight of the movie, because Curry does it so well. His own voice is even perfect for the part, and his laughter, while... kind of funny, is still very fitting, and evil. Apart from Pennywise, this is the role Curry is best known for, I think.

It isn’t explained in the movie why exactly touching a unicorn upsets the cosmic balance, but Scott indicates unicorns are basically divine, godly creatures. But still... just touching one can screw up the universe? Weird. Anyway, the Lord of Darkness takes the horn from one unicorn, who dies by the way, and then needs the other, last unicorn as a sacrifice so he can shroud the world in forever frozen darkness. Sunlight kills him, too, making him quite literally a creature of the night. So having a dark world is the only way he could really thrive.

The Lord of Darkness also begins to fall in love with Princess Lily; or is it not really love, and really just plain desire, since that’s what he essentially represents? Jack and Lily clearly love. They love each other, and the love life, and the forest. But can someone with the title of Lord of Darkness, who only gives in to all his greed and desires, actually love at all? Hmmm... I guess the audience decides that one.



Lily is the figure who becomes corrupted by Darkness in this movie, and her first act was touching the unicorn, of course, which Jack forbade her from doing. Once Lily reaches Darkness’s lair, she becomes even more corrupted and evil, and even gets to wear a wicked black dress. And she wants to kill the last unicorn. Wow, that was a big change of heart and personality in such a short time... Scott has also revealed that originally, he was going to have Lily turn into a giant cat-woman... yeah. Well, that sure would have made this movie weirder. But it also would have still been better than Warner Bros.’s Catwoman. *shudder*

By the way, what and who exactly was Lily the Princess of, anyway? You don’t see anywhere else to live except the forest, and one house. ONE house, in the whole forest. Or anywhere.

Even though it was Lily who first touched the unicorn, Blix is a goblin sent by the Lord of Darkness (and the most evil and vile goblin, according to Darkness’s description) to kill the unicorn and take its horn. Blix will probably remind you of goblins from The Lord of the Rings, only smaller. In fact, I was dead sure at first that that the same person played Blix and one of the Mordor goblins in The Return of the King. But it seems that’s not actually the case. They just look a lot alike.

Jack, played by Tom Cruise (Mmm-hmmm), must play the hero, and he has never done such a thing before, given that he lived a quiet, peaceful and happy life in the forest. Luckily, he has a tiny fairy with him, like Tinkerbelle, or Navi in some of the Zelda games. She’s extremely useful because she says she can be anything Jack needs or wants... even ‘what [his] heart desires’. Yes. I think this fairy was trying to... pick up Jack, despite the fact that he is clearly in love with Lily, and wants to marry her. Lily might not be the only corrupt one in this movie...

Jack is aided by some other fairy-type folks, although 3 of them are more like dwarves. The last one, still a ‘little person’, but not a dwarf, is Gump. Yes, that is his name. Only this Gump ain’t a retarded Southerner with a heart of gold. He actually reminds me, in appearance, of Mr. Tumnus from Narnia... But whatever he is, he indicates that he’s near omniscient, and basically leads Jack on his quest to stop the Lord of Darkness. Even though he looks like a kid (because he was played by a kid), he’s basically Jack’s mentor as well as geographical guide, and seems to know what to do, most of the time. That’s good for Jack, who doesn’t have a clue, as he’s just so innocent.

They travel through the frozen forest, and into a swamp, which was not frozen, for some reason... Maybe because it was too evil already. Here they encounter a green, nasty, haggered witch, who is also apparently naked. Her face is actually quite creepy, and probably something that Guillermo del Toro would appreciate and-- oh my Lord, did I just see a green, old witch boob??? DISGUSTING. Let’s move away from the witch.

So the other dwarf people that travel with Jack don’t really do much except bumble around. They’re kind of comic relief, but otherwise don’t have much of a purpose in being there. Gump just brought them with him for some reason.

So the movie is basically about succumbing to desire, and evil, and the dichotomy of good and evil, light and darkness; shadow is always cast from light, etc. I don’t think it will be surprising to reveal that Jack does defeat the Lord of Darkness, and when Darkness is cast back into the mirror he came from (yeah, I...know...but you can figure out some kind of symbolism here), he says that he won’t truly be gone because he lives inside everyone, and is a part of everyone. It’s not hard to figure out what he means by this. You get it. Fair enough.

As for whether or not Jack gets to marry Lily or not, well... I guess the audience gets to decide that as well. Before the land freezes, she took her ring and threw it into a lake, and told Jack she would marry whoever found it. Well, naturally Jack wanted to find it. He lost it, though, but finds it after the land returns to normal and presents it to Lily. But it still isn’t clear if they get married or not. Lily just says she’ll come back tomorrow; she only remembers the previous events as a dream.

The movie has a lot of very pretty imagery. The forest Jack lives in is... quite gorgeous. You honestly have probably never seen a forest look this good in any movie before, and certainly not in real life. ‘This is such stuff as dreams are made of’ indeed. It does seem to have a problem with pollen, or petals or something, falling down on you all the time... but otherwise, it’s really beautiful. There are also a lot of really great uses of lighting, and shadow. I also really loved how the frozen-over house in the forest looked when Lily goes to hide in there. It was... pretty creepy. In fact, it really made me think, this really feels like a nightmare.



Scott has also noted that the movie would have been more convenient, in many ways, if it had been made in the days of CGI, and many of the things they did would have been CGI today, or even 10 years ago. But this movie really does so very well without such effects, and you can appreciate that, too. Yes, here’s another example of how people made movies using practical effects, and still look good.

I watched the director’s cut of the movie, which has the original score by Jerry Goldsmith, who worked with Scott on Alien. As always, his score is great and beautiful. The theatrical cut, however, has all original music by Tangerine Dream, for some reason. I’m not sure if this was Scott’s decision or not; he expresses that he loves Goldsmith’s score, and well, if the director’s cut is his preferred print, then I assume he wanted to keep Goldsmith’s music. Hmmm...

It’s a little hard for me to say how much I actually liked this movie. I did first see it many, many yonks ago, as a young’un, and I had forgotten almost everything, except what Curry looks like as the Lord of Darkness. As I said before, looking at it now, for the first time in many years, as an adult... it does feel differently than you would if you watched it as a kid. It seemed... very strange at first, when I first began to watch it, but then I ‘got used to it’, and it didn’t seem that odd anymore. The initial feeling of weirdness was gone as the movie progressed.

I still find it hard to believe this is a Ridley Scott movie... at least he tried something different, and I can understand some of the motivation and drive to make a movie like this. He wanted to make an operatic fairy tale, and I understand that, and why you might want to make one. However, it’s because of that very concept that a lot of people would probably really not like, and even hate, this movie; even if it is a Ridley Scott movie. It’s not a ‘bad’ movie, but it won’t be for everyone either; an acquired taste, maybe? Maybe you like it more if you watch it a few more times, but this isn’t really the kind of universal movie that a ton of people will want to watch several times.

A lot of people don’t care for Tom Cruise, especially now in his weird Scientology days. However, don’t watch this movie for Cruise. Watch it see something different; and to see Tim Curry in his other frightening, signature role. I probably wouldn’t have really little kids watch it, but it’s a decent enough family movie. I say check it out if you get the chance, and if this is a Ridley Scott movie you haven’t seen yet, well, take a look at something really different that he’s done in his career. You may hate it, you may love it. But it’s... something else, that’s for sure.

Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Starring:
Johnny Depp, Keira Knightly, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, Chow Yun-Fat, Bill Nighy, Jonathan Pryce, Jack Davenport

Director:
Gore Verbinski (Mouse Hunt, The Ring)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for intense sequences of action/adventure violence and some frightening images.

Release Date:
May 2007

Synopsis:
As the age of piracy comes to a close, Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann must sail off the edge of the map, navigate treachery and betrayal, and make their final alliances for one last decisive battle. Our heroes must face Lord Cutler Beckett, Davy Jones and Admiral James Norrington in a titanic showdown that could eliminate the freedom-loving pirates from the seven seas - forever.

My Two Cents:
I’ll start by saying I didn’t watch any of the three Pirates of the Caribbean movies in theaters because I am not a fan of pirates. I don’t care about the way they talk, their treasure stealing, songs, excessive alcohol consumption, and all that other crap pirates are associated with. I do like Johnny Depp and Jerry Bruckheimer so I gave the first PotC a shot on DVD.

I remember I watched it with my sister and my girlfriend at the time (now my wife) and they both fell asleep about 2/3 into the movie. Each of them had only fallen asleep once before, my sister with the first X-MEN and my wife with Blade Runner. Curse of the Black Pearl seemed too long and I just didn’t care about any of the characters, especially Elizabeth Swann. Everyone else that saw it loved it, especially my mom. About two years later I rented Dead Man’s Chest and for reasons I have yet to understand I really enjoyed it, along with my wife. The cliffhanger ending did suck, but now I couldn’t wait for part 3.

A few weeks ago I finally rented At World’s End, and although I had fun with a few scenes I was mostly disappointed with the film. This time I almost fell asleep halfway, and I never fall asleep watching movies. The first movie focused a lot on Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann’s romance, and I’m not a romantic fool so I didn’t care for it. The second movie was more about adventuring and had Jack Sparrow in a more important role, and I totally dug that. Now, for part 3, they went back to Will and Elizabeth’s romance, and Sparrow isn’t even in the movie for more than 30 minutes.



I detest Elizabeth Swann and can’t imagine her surviving a day on a pirate ship. She looks so puny and fragile. For reasons that elude me she is all over At World’s End, from start to finish. She is even named King of Pirates, or some shit like that. What the fuck? Now, I do like Will and felt bad that his bride-to-be was being a whore in part 2, but for part 3 he’s more bad-ass and likeable. He literally goes to hell and back for the love of his life. Once Sparrow finally shows up he enjoys plenty of screen time, but there are so many fucking characters that take the simple fun of the first film away.

The final battle after Calypso goes apeshit and the Black Pearl squares off with the Flying Dutchman is awesome. There’s so much shit going on that you lose track of time, but it’s really fun. Too bad the rest of the film is so dull.

The Pirates of the Caribbean series is a giant gold mine for Disney, but I really hope they don’t do a fourth installment or at least wait about 5 years to make it. There is only so much you can do with stinking pirates without milking them dry.

Score:

Movie Review: Superman - Doomsday

Starring:
Adam Baldwin, Anne Heche, James Marsters, John DiMaggio, Tom Kenny, Swoozie Kurtz, Cree Summer, Ray Wise, Adam Wylie

Directors:
Bruce Timm, Lauren Montgomery, Brandon Vietti

MPAA Rating:
PG-13, for strong action violence.

Release Date:
September 18, 2007 (Video Only)

Synopsis:
Lexcorp accidentally frees the alien super-killer, Doomsday, and Superman is the only one who can stop him. But he loses his life in the process, and Metropolis must cope with the loss of their great hero. Or do they? Superman suddenly returns from the dead and returns to fighting crime, possibly better than ever. But what's wrong with this Superman, and how did he return from the dead?

My Two Cents:
The first thing I wondered when I heard about this was; why wasn't this movie made YEARS ago?? The storyline this movie is inspired from happened 16 years ago. Although truth be told, during the long process of Warner Bros. making a new Superman film, which of course, became Superman Returns, there was an idea of making the movie about Superman's death. And none other than Kevin Smith had written a screenplay for it (or he might have written several drafts, I'm not sure). the project was called 'Superman Lives!', and then 'Superman Reborn', before Warner scrapped it entirely, and went through another long process of figuring out how to make the next movie...

But I digress. Anyway! So this ANIMATED movie is inspired from (I will not say 'based on' because it really overall isn't. There are too many differences) the Death of Superman storyline that ran in the Superman funnybooks. And actually, the commercial for this video claims the movie is based on 'the best-selling graphic novel of all time'!! Uh...really? I'd like to see the numbers to prove that...

The animated DC heroes have a lot of fans who love all the various series, and only want more, more, more. And a lot of those fans are adults as well. This movie is Warner making a more 'adult' animated Superman movie. It's not TOO adult, but the farthest they've gone so far, I think. It has a lot of violence, of course, and A LOT of people DIE in this movie. It's not just Superman. Even Lex Luthor literally gets away with murder in this movie. That's something you wouldn't see on Cartoon Network...

Now, Doomsday has already appeared in episodes of the Justice League show, and there was also a story on that show where everyone thought Superman was dead (but not by Doomsday), and there was a big funeral for him attended by all the superheroes. So in a way, you could say Warner has already done this before. But then again, also not. Whatever the case, this movie is not meant to take place in any established animated Superman/DC continuity, and is its own movie.

And well....it's okay. It sadly is disappointing. It's not a terrible movie, but well...they could have done so much more with it. I know I'm sure not the only one who feels this way...At least they thankfully didn't delve into the 4 different Supermen story...

The story has a lot of problems. First, the fight itself with Doomsday. You do get the point, but in all honesty, Superman doesn't LOOK that hurt. In the original funnybook, he just got the shit beat out of him, and you knew it. You could tell in this movie he was getting hammered hard, and feeling weakened, but...I don't know. It just didn't feel all together...Maybe they didn't want it to be too 'graphic', even though this is a more 'adult' movie.



Now, I'm going to get into spoilish material here. So after Superman dies, there is a funeral, but there are no heroes attending it. Now, again, one reason may be because Warner already had a funeral for Superman before on the Justice League show, and it had all the heroes there. This movie, although animated, seems more like what they would do if this did happen in a film, like Warner planned on doing. You wouldn't see other heroes there, most likely. Although, then again, you could also explain it away that maybe there was a funeral already with heroes, and what we see is just the Metropolis public funeral. I wouldn't call this a problem with the movie really, but a lot of people didn't care for it.

So there is another villain in this movie. Toyman. Yeah. Fucking Toyman. He looks like some semi-gothic loser who lives in his mother's basement, and is very childish. I can't imagine why, of all people, they decided to put Toyman in here... Auy... So Toyman has a giant mechanical ant that terrorizes the city, and suddenly, Superman comes back from the dead and stops him. So this is the first hint about his return, but there is clearly something wrong with this Superman. That's because it's not the real Superman. It's a clone created by Lex Luthor.

Now...you know what happened the other times Luthor tried to clone Superman? Bizarro. Yeah. That's how Bizarro was created in Post-Crisis Superman, and on the Superman animated series. So apparently Luthor has not so much difficulty creating a clone THIS time, but all those other times he sure did. Weird.

So does the real Superman return? Of course. And guess how. Come on. Well, you're not going to. So here is the secret; he didn't REALLY die. Nope.

Okay. So Superman has a robot in the Fortress of Solitude that took the 'carcass' from Luthor, and the robot brought him back to the Fortress to rejuvenate Superman. He explains that...Superman did not really die. His body simply slowed way down so he could heal... Does that make ANY sense???? ANY??? And since when CAN Superman do that??? This may not take place in any established continuity, but there should still be consistency with what Superman can and can't do, right?

So anyway, yeah, that was a real sour point in the movie....And pretty much the worse point. So the robot helps Superman to heal, while the fake Superman fights crime, and...to an extreme. He basically becomes a facist, and declares that he alone is the lone authority that gets to decide what is best for the city. He even threatens an old lady about keeping track of her pets, after he gets her cat out of a tree. I'm serious. He makes it clear to this old lady not to let it happen again. Oh and he also kills Toyman. Yeah. After Toyman is arrested for murdering a 4-year-old girl (also VERY serious. You don't see it at all, but it is reported on the news), the Superman clone takes him into the sky and drops him onto a police car. And trust me... Toyman is DEAD. So this clone is basically taking over Metropolis, and of course, only Superman can stop him. And as you can guess, he does in the end, after he heals. He even wears a black suit similar to the one he had in the comics when he came back to life.



Meanwhile, Luthor was actually trying to create an army of Superman clones. Again, so in this movie, he has very little trouble cloning Superman, unlike in other continuities. You do see the usual failed experiments in cells, indicating there were some problems. But this secret lab is largely full of clones who look perfect. So not too much trouble. But the active clone destroys the lab, right before he knows he must make his final stand against the city. The voice acting is really good in this movie, and was cast very well. Baldwin was a good Superman, and Heche was… well, not who I'd probably have picked for Lois, but she had some great moments. But Marsters as Luthor was really good. He really fit the role well and sounded like a great, classic Luthor. DiMaggio did Toyman... ermm... maybe too well... That's all I'll say...

One thing that bugged me was they drew Superman with these lines/creases on his face that sometimes made him look really old. I guess it was supposed to be his cheek bones, mostly, but..in this type of style, it didn't really work... Luthor got a radical redesign in his face, and sometimes... he looked REALLY creepy... I thought it was overall weird at first, but then I thought it was fitting.

Another thing that bothered me; what did they do with Doomsday's carcass after the fight? Was he even dead? You don't know. They..left that out, for some reason. In the comics, Doomsday was...sort of dead. He did die, but one of his abilities is one in which he can keep coming back to life. So he died and returned, but was thrown into space by the fake Cyborg Superman. But in this movie, you have no idea. I suppose he died, for all intensive purposes, but it's a mystery of what happened to the carcass.

Also, the Superman clone breaks free from Luthor's control when he decides Luthor is not the best authority figure; he is. But Luthor controls the clone through the use of a Kryptonite bomb in the clone's brain. The tiny shard will kill him if Luthor sets it off. So the clone removes the shard from his own brain by reflecting his heat vision off a mirror and into his own head. Now, that was just plain weird. Is that even possible for Superman to do?? CAN he hurt himself with his own heat rays? I've never heard of that. So Kryptonite is not his only weakness after all...

The movie is overall not really 'bad' to watch, but again, you can't help but think they could, and should, have done so much more with it, considering what the subject is. Superman doesn't even actually die at all in this movie. That's the biggest scam of all. I'm also not sure the title is really that fitting, because the actual fight with Doomsday is not that long, and it's not the whole movie...

So if you like Warner's animated DC heroes, you may want to check this out. It's not the best it could be, but it's not that terrible either.

Movie Review: A Scanner Darkly

Starring:
Keanu Reeves, Woody Harrelson, Robert Downey, Jr., Wynona Ryder, Rory Cochrane

Director:
Richard Linklater

MPAA Rating:
R, for drug and sexual content, language, and a brief violent image.

Release Date:
July 28, 2006

Synopsis:
Sometime in the near future, Bob Arctor is an undercover police agent investigating the use of a drug called Substance D. He essentially befriends the people he is trying to bust, but as a result of his own drug addiction, he begins to lose his own mind.

My Two Cents:
I like Shin's format for reviews so I'll use it here. So this movie is based on the book of the same name by renowned and celebrated author Philip K. Dick. I have not read the book, but I gather the two formats are a lot alike. And that's part of the problem, really. I honestly had a very difficult time liking this movie at all. It didn't seem to have much of a real point at all except a generic 'this is how life should NOT be' view. Well, okay, that's fine. But if I am supposed to get more out of this movie, I don't get it. I didn't really sympathize with the characters, because I don't sympathize with people who decide to destroy themselves with drugs. This is basically what this movie is about. Now, anti-drug messages are fine with me. But this movie doesn't really take that approach even. It...focused a lot on the group of friends just....not really freaking out, but clearly not being in clear or understandable states of mind. Or at least, obviously altered states of mind. One of them begins having severe hallucinations and freak-outs, and also commits suicide.

The movie also very abruptly ends. We have Arctor being taken into rehab, and sent to work for the institution on a farm. You assume this is because Arctor is infiltrating the institution, and there is more of the movie in which he uncovers the truth and reveals it. But that doesn't happen. The movie ends with him being in custody and we don't know what happens to him after that. It just feels like this is not the end of the movie, that there is supposed to be more of the movie; like they didn't finish it or something. Maybe the book ends that way, too; I am not sure. But it doesn't feel right.

So what you find out about Arctor is that the two hemispheres of his brain are competing for dominance, and that seems to be the cause of his mental impairments. Now, this is a real disorder, so that in itself is not weird. But when I was watching the movie, I just assumed he was depressive, or at least melancholy, all the time because, uh, he's using drugs. That also made sense. It just...took too long to get to this point in the movie, because they were focusing more on the druggies...not doing anything important. There just wasn't something right about that because the movie didn't seem to have a point and it was taking too long to get to one.

It's also weird because Substance D is not defined or shown. At all. You have no idea what it looks like or how it's used, or what it's made of. What's good about this though is that it shows that you don't have to continuously show people using drugs to get the point across that they are addicts. But...the drug itself is not shown or described at all. Why is it called 'Substance D' anyway? What does the name mean or refer to?

The scramble suit is a neat, and odd, idea. It's a suit that flashes many, many different types of people and clothes at the same time and is always changing. They're used to conceal identities of people like Arctor, since he's an undercover agent, and...also a drug user...

There is one twist to this movie, and it surprised me, too. You really don't see it coming; when someone else in a scramble suit reveals their identity.



There also wasn't anything wrong with the acting. Everyone was fine, and played their parts well. I'm also going to refrain from making Robert Downey, Jr. jokes...

This movie was made in two ways, basically. The movie was filmed with all the actors; sometimes behind green screens, or partial green screens. Then, every frame was digitally painted over, so it looks like a CGI movie, but it only is somewhat. The characters were not made from scratch, no. The movie thus has a very stylized look, which I did like and appreciated.

However, it takes more than just pretty imagery to make a good movie. They might as well have not even bothered.

So even though this is a movie review, and not a video review, I have to mention that I did watch the special features on the disc, which would hopefully help shed light on what the point of this movie was... They did, or one did, rather. One feature has an old interview with Philip Dick, from 1977, in which he describes that the book is basically his reaction to...the Nixon Administration, and his participation in the 'counterculture'. I think he basically means the drug-abusing 'counterculture' of the 1960's that did seep into the early 1970's. It is true that Dick did have drug problems, which his own daughter admits to, in this feature as well. Dick is basically a paranoid man in this interview, describing that he 'knew' that...the government was watching him, for reasons he cannot name. He says his house has been broken into and ransacked before, and he 'knows' that whoever it was was looking for 'something', which he also cannot identify. First he says he has 'no doubt' (direct quote) that the government did break into his house, but then shortly after, in the same part of the interview, he says he doesn't know who did it. It's very unfortunate to see and hear, from his own mouth, how paranoid he was.

It's also explained that the original book was basically written as Dick expressing his pain over his own drug problems, and over the pain of his friends who also suffered from drug problems. The end of the movie does have text written by Dick, which may be in the book, in which he dedicates the work to several friends who suffered and/or died as a result from various ailments; probably from drug use. It is too bad to hear that such things did happen. I just didn't feel that when watching this movie; that this was about, or related to, Dick's own drug-related pain. It's one thing when you're reading a book written by the author's own hand, and you also read and understand it's about his pain. But that just didn't go over well into a movie, and doesn't seem to fit. This is where the two formats don't really relate well, even if the movie is a decent transfer from the book.

But in this feature, some of the cast and crew also claim...this movie is directly related times today, because as Wynona Ryder said, we're always being watched. She does not say by who, however. Other cast and crew say 'the current administration' is related to this kind of thing, and the movie applies to them as well.

So in other words, it sounds like Dick wrote the book because he was paranoid, and also suffering from drug-related pain and loss of loved ones, and the movie was made because the cast and crew are also paranoid....That's honestly the impression I got, and it makes me see this movie even less favorably than I already was.

Unfortunately, I thus really can't recommend this movie very much, if at all. I suppose Philip Dick fans will want to check it out, especially if they have read the book. But other people who are not familiar with Dick or his work may wonder some of the same things I did when I watched it, and see little real point to the movie. It has pretty pictures, sure, but that doesn't make the movie. Also, if I have to resort to the extra features in order to really figure out a main purpose for this movie, that's definitely not a good sign. It should be more clear than that.

Sorry, but I have to say this. This movie is largely... 'BOGUS!' I didn't say I wouldn't make a Keanu Reeves joke.

Movie Review: El Orfanato (The Orphanage)

Starring:
Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep, Mabel Rivera, Montserrat Carulla, Edgar Vivar, Andrés Gertrúdix

Director:
Juan A. Bayona (El Hombre Esponja)

MPAA Rating:
R for some disturbing content.

Release Date:
October 2007

Synopsis:
With fond memories of the seaside orphanage where she was raised, Laura persuades her husband to help her revamp it as a facility for disabled children. But once they move in, their son Simón begins to exhibit dark and disturbing behavior. As Laura tries to understand Simón's increasingly malevolent actions, she becomes drawn into the house's terrifying secrets.

My Two Cents:
Being an orphan at an early age must be tough, and living in an orphanage for the disabled must be even tougher. This is where Laura (Belén Rueda) grew up, although she didn’t seen to have any physical limitations. Perhaps this is why she was adopted before all the rest. Many years later, now an adult, Laura buys the abandoned house that used to be her orphanage. Along with her husband Carlos (Fernando Cayo) and their adopted son Simón (Roger Príncep) they start a new life near an old lighthouse.

Simón is seriously ill, and doesn’t know he’s adopted. Laura and Carlos love him more than anything and take great care of him. Even so, Simón, as many children, has imaginary friends. In time Simón starts talking to more and more imaginary friends, until Laura finally sees one of them, her son Simón disappears and a terrible chain of events begin to send her into desperation and psychological nightmare.

I think the movie’s plot is pretty sweet. Orphanages have been portrayed as creepy places before, and although this one is nice-looking, it holds many dark and disturbing secrets beneath its walls. I guess you could say this is a ghost movie, but the “ghosts” look solid and can be heard walking around, inside the freaking walls.



I got creeped out pretty good through 2/3 of the movie, with one Poltergeist-ish scene topping them all. By the third act, when Laura finally starts connecting the dots about the orphanage’s mystery, the creepiness fades a little and things start getting more confusing. By the ending I had too many questions that went unanswered. I usually have no problem with reaching my own conclusions, and actually like to be teased by the writers, but I suffered throughout the whole movie with Laura and couldn’t quite tell what happened at the end. It’s not that I couldn’t enjoy the film because of this, not at all.

The acting was great, as the art direction and general mood. I suggest you watch El Orfanato before Hollywood “recreates” it with an American version. Maybe they’ll do a good job, but I doubt they’ll top the original. Good creepy fun.

Score:

Movie Review: Live Free or Die Hard

Starring:
Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant, Maggie Q, Cliff Curtis, Jonathan Sadowski, Kevin Smith

Director:
Len Wiseman (Underworld)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, language and a brief sexual situation.

Release Date:
June 2007

Synopsis:
The decidedly low-tech John McClane calls on the services of a young hacker in his bid to stop a shadowy group intent on taking control of America's computer infrastructure.

My Two Cents:
America is under attack, again! Duck and cover, run for the hills! No wait, who’s that in the distance? It’s John McClane (Bruce Willis). John fucking McClane! Yes, the same McClane who rid the Nakatomi Plaza of German terrorists, saved the Virginia Dulles International Airport and prevented New York from being blown out of the map.

This time McClane faces a pissed off computer genius named Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant) who threatens to start a “fire sale”, which means to cut the nation’s communications and gain control of it. To do this he needs the help of the country’s top hackers, who help out without knowing what their skills are being used for. One of these hackers is super nerd Mike Farrell (Justin Long). They’re all offered a great sum of money for their help, but then they start getting killed by the mysterious villain one by one. John McClane just happened to be around when it was Ferrell’s time to die, and is saved after an intense shootout. Lucky bastard.

The FBI goes into a panic when their computers are hacked, and as much as they hate it, they must rely on McClane to do the dirty work. No surprises here. Even worst than getting involved in this mess, at some point Gabriel kidnaps the only important person in McClane’s life, his daughter. Oh boy, now it got personal. Want to bet how this is going to end?



Bruce Willis’ life as an action star has basically come to an end, and the same goes for John McClane. He can still kick ass, and he sure as hell does in this fourth movie, but it’s clear he won’t be doing this for much longer. This is perhaps why it’s so cool to see Willis play McClane one more time. This is the best Die Hard since the first one back in 1988.

The action gets crazy early on, with insane stunts, car crashes, explosions and shootouts. Some people were bothered with some of the CG special effects being too over-the-top but I loved them. It’s a Die Hard movie, and crazy shit is going to happen.

I found it strange that the Blue-ray version I watched was rated PG-13 since all other previous movies were rated R. The action is there, as are the one-liners and jokes, but it just feels odd not hearing the “F” word every three minutes. This is John McClane we’re talking about. I guess Fox wanted to reach a broader audience, and it payed off because Live Free or Die Hard is the most successful movie in the series, earning over $380 million worldwide.

Score:

From a Certain Point of View- the Transformers Film

So Shin Lord has already shared his review of the Transformers film from last summer. Now I'm going to give you my thoughts on the movie, since I was finally able to watch it. Shin and I differ very much about this movie though; he loved it, and I did not. So I'm basically going to give you a view of the movie 'from the other side', as it were. This won't happen with every movie that is reviewed of course, but I do want to give another look at this movie that was so huge last year, and almost universally received great reviews (but there are also people who didn't care for it, like me).

I'm not going to give a story breakdown because Shin already did that. I'm going to get right into the issues I have with this movie. It...has a lot of problems. I actually didn't have great expectations for this movie when I first heard about it anyway. I didn't think it would be done well, and probably couldn't be. And then I saw 'leaked' designs of the Transformers, and that sealed it for me. I thought they were awful, and all the more reason I didn't want to see the movie, and I thought it would be bad. I love the Transformers, and they were a grand part of my childhood, so I was not happy with how this was looking. But then it got almost universally great reviews, which surprised me. And since I could watch it for free (no, not through an illegal download...), I decided to give it a shot.

First of all, one of the universal criticisms (when there WERE criticisms that I saw..) I have heard about this movie is 'TOO MUCH PRODUCT PLACEMENT!11'
One of my co-workers said it best. It's the Transformers; it's product placement by definition. Firstly, they started as toys. But secondly, they all transform into actual...things (except Megatron, in this movie. He does not transform into a Walther P-38, or any other type of weapon. He's...a....Cybertronian jet, I guess). All the cars you see are real cars. But that's the case in almost every movie you see that has cars; they're all real cars. How come no one calls that 'product placement', or makes a fit about it? It's the same thing.

As for other product placements in this movie, yeah, I saw them. But...so what? Yeah, that computer is a Hewlett-Packard. Yeah, they said the name Nokia in regards to a Nokia phone. So what? It didn't ruin the movie for me.

No, there are other things about this movie that bothered me.

Yes, the teen love stuff was done very poorly, and largely a waste of time. It also didn't help that they tried way too hard to make Sam a complete loser that never gets girls. Okay. I get it. I don't have a problem with there being human characters, and, you know, trying to develop them. But Sam's loserness, if you will, was done poorly. Or...in some ways, it may have been done too well.

So Bumblebee could only communicate...using his radio. Why did they decide that Bumblebee can't talk, to begin with? I didn't understand the point of that. Also, communicating using only a radio; that sounds more appropriate for Blaster, who WAS a radio. Also, it was...too weird that when Bumblebee wanted to talk, he just...tuned in his radio and....played transmissions that happened to fit what he wanted to say, somehow. But how did he know what was, or was going to be on, radio broadcasts? Or did he record things he had heard before? If that's the case, okay, but SAY SO. Same thing with when he turned the radio to....'mood' music, when Sam was dealing with Mikaela. So....Bumblebee understands what 'romantic' music is? Or rather, what people think about music?

I also did not think it was funny when Jazz said "'Sup, bitches?" That....was really dumb. Oh yeah, let's make Jazz even more of a stereotype. Brilliant.

Frenzy was just annoying. Why did he keep making those dumb noises? Was there any reason FOR him to not shut up? He wasn't even talking to anyone. Also, I thought it was kind of weird that Frenzy transformed into a radio. Well, if they wanted that, why not obviously use Soundwave, who was a radio (and one of the most recognized Transformers as it is)? But then again, Frenzy was about as tall as a person, kind of like the original Frenzy and Rumble were. I guess that wouldn't do Soundwave justice if...he was....a tiny Decepticon.When the movie was finished and was shown in the movie houses, Brawl was incorrectly identified as 'Devestator' in the final cut. They had a good while to correct this mistake (which I can't imagine how it was even made to begin with) for the video release. But nope. This mistake is still there in the home video release. That may not sound like a big problem, but uh, yeah, I think it kind of is. they got a character's name wrong. There really isn't an excuse for something like that. and again, they could have changed it for the video, but still didn't. I call that sloppy.



I also wonder why did they feel the need to make up all-new Decepticons instead of using some of the original ones. Barricade and Blackout they just made up. Blackout is a helicopter, but why not just use Vortex? He would also go along with Brawl; they were both Combaticons. As for Barricade, he was a police car, and well, if they wanted to use a police car, the Decepticons didn't have any. The Decepticons actually had almost no cars...But they could have used one of the Stunticons. None of them were police cars though....So, I don't know. Barricade's existence makes a little more sense from that standpoint.

However, on the subject of Barricade....they did something....really stupid with him. In his police car form, on the side, it says 'To Punish and Enslave'. Seriously. And the Decepticon emblem was right there in the local police insignia. Oh yeah, those things will REALLY fool people into thinking you're a genuine police car. I mean, really. That was BAD.

Scorponok didn't really fit; he was the only one who was not a vehicle. He was a giant robot scorpion. Oh yeah, he really blended in well on Earth. Giant scorpions are all over the Middle East. Gotta watch out for them. He also wasn't that big. He was only bigger than Frenzy. That was kind of weird. Also, Scorponok was a weird choice to begin with. The original Scorponok was a massive, triple-changing 'city'-scorpion-robot. Actually, was Scorponok even a Transformer in this movie, or was he just a big, metal scorpion? He doesn't transform. Hasbro did make his movie toy transform but, uh....there's almost no difference. But we don't see that in the movie so it doesn't matter. The point is, Scorponok just doesn't belong here.

The overall Decepticon roster was weird, and random, anyway. We have Megatron and Starscream, who are essential. And then two they just made up (Barricade and Blackout), one who didn't fit (Scorponok), and then....Bonecrusher, for some reason, and who is originally one of the Constructicons, and then Brawl and Frenzy. They could have done...a lot better in thinking of Decepticons to use.

Also, the All-Spark was a little confusing. So I understand that it was used to basically bring life to machines. So it's...a pretty godly item to the Transformers. Okay. That makes sense, in its own way. But...what didn't make sense was...so...it has the power to only turn machines into EVIL Transformers??? Megatron wanted it for that purpose, of course, but...it looked like that was the ONLY thing it could do. We see the All-Spark's power turn machines into evil, destructive Transformers two different times, and it's evident that Sector 7 had done it several times prior. When we do see two new Transformers 'born' from the All-Spark, all they want to do is destroy everything. So how did the All-Spark go from basically helping create the entire TF civilization to becoming an object that only creates evil robots?

Also, the idea of transforming was confusing in one basic way. So, what we see happen is that the TF's, upon arriving on Earth, scan Earth vehicles, and somehow that gives them the ability to alter their appearance and then transform into that vehicle. Okay....Fair enough. But here's where it starts not making sense. Firstly, when Mikaela calls Bumblebee a piece of crap, Bumblebee drives away and looks for another Camaro, that looks just like him, scans that, and then he becomes THAT all-new Camaro. Bumblebee did look like he was in not too good of shape when we first see him. But...re-scanning another car, even of the same kind....basically repaired him. Also, he was able to scan another car, even if it was the same kind, and he could now change into that one.

So can the Transformers scan vehicles, and other machines, as often as they want, and basically, be able to transform into anything, at any time, as long as they scan it first? So then, why not continuously scan other vehicles to transform into so that the enemy doesn't know who you are? Because eventually, they will know what you transform into. So why not just re-scanning things? Bumblebee basically did just that.

But there's a better example. Frenzy did it, too. At some point, Frenzy is decapitated, but his head can survive on its own (unlike Bonecrusher, whose head could not do that...). He re-scans Mikaela's phone, and he could now transform into a phone.

This is something the original Transformers could not do, and that was pretty clear. Otherwise, again, I assume that they would all have done it, and be able to turn into anything at any time. Like the Megatron; he was a Walther P-38. That's not an impressive gun. If he wanted to be a gun, he could have picked a cooler one, if he had the ability to re-scan things any time.
I also learned that to stop a Transformer, all you have to do is spray cold gas on them. Before anyone says 'Well, they're machines..' and whatnot, yeah, but these are ALIEN machines with transforming powers, for God's sake...

It's also not clear to me why, if the All-Spark just sits inside a Transformer, the TF dies, and the All-Spark destroys itself. So how come the TF's don't die, or get damaged, etc. if they just touch it?

I also have to call complete horseshit on when Lennox falls off his motorcycle, and....slides gracefully, for a good while, actually, on his back, right under Brawl and is able to fire from below. No fucking way. I've seen A LOT of fakey things like that in movies, but THAT really was horseshit.

Also...Scott Ramsoomair, of VGCats, is NOT kidding when in his comic critique of this movie...he drew a Mountain Dew Transformer. That's likely one of the worst product placement moments that detractors of the movie really despised. Yeah...I understand that...

I was also disappointed to hear Megatron speak. Because he is played by Hugo Weaving, I was looking forward to at least that much.... But In all honesty...you can't tell. They altered his voice too much. They...made it deeper. Let me ask you something; if you want Hugo Weaving to voice someone, why would you want to CHANGE his voice?? you want Hugo Weaving for a REASON: Because he's Hugo Weaving. In all honesty, that could be anyone speaking for Megatron. they totally wasted Weaving's talent....



It was great to have Peter Cullen, who IS Optimus Prime (and currently does VO ads for various shows on Cartoon Network) be in this movie. That was definitely a plus.

The effects are top-notch, and do make the film nice to look at. And you really do have to appreciate it because it would have taken A LOT to get this guys to transform various times to and back. It is beautifully done. The robots do look pretty real, too, despite their designs... But I never had any doubts there would be great effects. That was never a concern of mine, and isn't a problem in this movie. However, it takes more than great effects to really make a great movie. And this movie....ain't that great. But again, it's not 'terrible', or even 'bad' either. It's just... kinda beh. It was way overhyped, and way overpraised. Nothing ever lives up to its hype anyway, but this movie was strangely overpraised as well, as being a really great film. I'm honestly not sure why that is. Some people said 'Oh I felt like a kid again!' Really? I sure didn't. I probably would have loved it if I was a kid, but well, far too late for that. I feel more like a kid again when I watch the original Transformers: The Movie, from 1986.

This movie is almost universally agreed on as a 'mind-blowing movie', as James Rolfe (AKA the Angry Video Game Nerd) said...But I sure didn't feel that way. It has too many problems that well...I really just could not ignore. I've seen many, many, many worse movies, sure, but that still doesn't make this movie that great. There's too much room for improvement. I sure don't think it was one of the best movies that I personally saw last year. In fact, all the movies I saw at the movie house (and there were not many...) were better than this one.

So. That's what I think. This is more or less what I expected I'd think of the movie anyway. I was not looking forward to it, and didn't think it would be that great, for a number of reasons. I was basically right.

Sadly, this movie belongs in the Sharkticon pit. Or sucked into Unicron and either crushed, or dumped into the acid vat.

I really don't want there to be any more movies, even though there is A LOT of room for improvement. If this the kind of thing they want to do with these characters in a film series, then I don't want it, and I'm not looking forward to the next one. I won't see it in the movie house either, but well, if I can watch it for free on home video, too, maybe I eventually will. I sure don't want to pay for it.