Character Profile: Proto Man

Before creating Mega Man, Dr. Light created a prototype he named Proto Man. I’ve never been sure why he’s so different than Mega Man if he was an early draft of him, or if he never intended Proto Man to be more than a trainer to the Blue Bomber. According to his story in Mega Man: The Power Fighters, Proto Man has a fatal defect in his energy system and is in constant pain. Perhaps this is why Dr. Light replaced him with Mega Man, although they’re basically identical on the inside.

Proto Man’s first appearance was in Mega Man 3, where he would attack Mega Man for a few seconds then leave, opening new areas for Mega Man to explore. He seemed like an enemy, but you could tell he was only testing and training Mega Man. Back then he used the code name Break Man.

Although he has only been playable in the arcade games Mega Man: The Power Battle and Mega Man: The Power Fighters, Proto Man (called Blues in Japan) has made cameos in pretty much every Mega Man game after part 3. Like Mega Man, Proto Man has the ability to absorb his opponent’s weapons. He has a slightly more powerful arm cannon than Mega Man, which he can charge to a point where it hurts him but delivers massive damage to his opponents. His signature ability, however, is the Proto Shield. It’s huge, but it can deflect enemy fire with the greatest of ease and also works as a ramming device when the going gets rough.

Character Profile: Mother Brain

Mother Brain is a recurring final boss in various Metroid games, and since she is the last monster you face it’s believed she is the leader of the Space Pirates, giving orders and somehow manipulating the Space Pirates to do her bidding. Some believe Ridley is the real leader of the Space Pirates and the Mother Brain only controls Zebes’ defenses. However, in the Metroid Prime Space Pirate logs Samus gathers throughout the games it was revealed that there is a High Command that controls every activity of the Pirates. The members of High Command remain a mystery, but it’s possible they turned to the Mother Brain for guidance.

In the Metroid Prime games there is no Mother Brain as she was destroyed on planet Zebes during the events of the original game, but in Metroid Prime 3: Corruption it is revealed that the Galactic Federation had created organic super computers called Aurora Units that have an eerie resemblance to the giant brain floating in a glass tank. Some believe Mother Brain was created by the Chozo and the Aurora Units resemble her original design. It’s possible that when the Aurora Units became corrupted one of them ended up in Zebes and has been working with the Space Pirates in secret. This would explain why Mother Brain was “revived” during the events of Super Metroid.

Character Profile: The King of All Cosmos

The King of all Cosmos is the absolute ruler of the universe. He stands around 9,840 feet tall, but that size can decrease or increase depending on his mood. He is married to the Queen of All Cosmos and is the father of The Prince, who’s only about 5 centimeters in height. The King refers to himself in plural, and his voice sounds like DJ record scratches.

He is a usually happy and carefree king, but demands a lot from his son. He seems to have inherited this trait from his father, the Emperor of All Cosmos, who was constantly disappointed by the King’s actions. There was just no pleasing that old fart.

One night, after consuming excessive amounts of alcohol, the King accidentally destroys all the stars in the sky. He then sends The Prince down to Earth to replace the stars with whatever he can find. To do this he gives The Prince a katamari, a small sphere similar to a bumble ball, that sticks to any object it touches as long as it’s not larger than the katamari. The Prince pushes the katamari around, gathering coins, cookies, shoes, small dogs, trash cans, and eventually people, houses, buildings and even entire islands. When the katamari is big enough the King of All Cosmos measures it and turns it into a star. If it’s not as big as the King thinks it should be, he shows The Prince his disappointment by through insults. The King is cool, but can be a real jerk at times.

Although only The Prince and his 23 cousins are playable in the Katamari Damacy games, the King of All Cosmos has always been everyone’s favorite character. There’s just something cool about a gigantic spaced out guy in tights with a mantastic mustache that seems to find new ways to destroy the universe every day and expects others to fix it.

Character Profile: Mike Haggar

After living his life as a wrestling street fighter, Mike Haggar turned to politics and won the election to become mayor of Metro City. He swore to rid the city of the terrible crime wave caused by the Mad Gear gang. This made Belger, leader of Mad Gear, royally pissed and arranged for Haggar’s daughter, Jessica, to be kidnapped. Rather than succumbing to Mad Gear’s threats, Haggar enlisted Jessica’s boyfriend, Cody, and his friend Guy to go down to Metro City’s meanest streets and beat the shit out of every single Mad Gear member.

Wasn’t the above paragraph fun? That’s the plot of 1989’s Final Fight, the game where the world was introduced to Haggar. I remember playing it for the first time at the arcade. Cody and Guy looked cool, but Haggar was a fucking shirtless pile-driving mayor with work pants and a huge belt over one shoulder. I had never seen an awesomer game character before. Is that belt supposed to keep his pants from dropping to the floor? Who cares? He’s Haggar, and her can wear whatever the hell he wants.

He was the slowest, but also the strongest. He singlehandedly made the pile-drive famous. Russian bear-wrestler Zangief made the pile-driver even cooler by giving it a spin two years later, and that’s why these two monsters of wrestling despise each other.

Capcom knew they had created an unstoppable muscle machine and decided to include Haggar as a playable character in 1993’s Saturday Night Slam Masters and its sequel, Ring of Destruction, a year later. He also made appearances in the Super Nintendo exclusives Final Fight 2 and 3, rejoining forces with Guy and recruiting help from newcomers Maki, Dean and Carlos. In 1999 Capcom USA released the god-awful Final Fight Revenge, a 3D fighting game with some of the worst polygon models ever. Haggar was a playable character but not even his awesomeness could save this steaming pile of rhinoceros anal discharge. Haggar had a cameo in 2006’s Final Fight Streetwise, teaching Cody’s younger brother, Kyle, some grappling moves. He ran a crummy gym and was no longer the mayor of Metro City. People barely remember him, if they remember him at all. That’s so sad. Why would Capcom do this to poor Haggar? Oh by the way, Final Fight Streetwise sucks the big one.

After beat’em ups died down and Final Fight’s future seemed bleak, a few characters from the series started appearing in Street Fighter Alpha. First there was Guy and Sodom, then Rolento, then Cody. Even Hugo Andore appeared in Street Fighter III, but still no Haggar. What the fuck, Capcom? Namco included Haggar in Namco X Capcom, but that game was never released outside Japan. Again, what the fuck?

You can see I’m passionate about Haggar and can only hope Capcom brings him back soon. If there’s ever a Marvel vs. Capcom 3 every character on Capcom’s side should be Haggar. Raise your hand if you want to be pile-drived by Haggar. *raises hand*

Character Profile: The Great Mighty Poo

If you played Conker’s Bad Fur Day on the Nintendo 64 or Conker: Live and Reloaded on Xbox you might have fond memories of certain characters like the Tediz, Buga the Knut, Gregg the Grim Reaper, and Franky the Pitchfork. They were all great and memorable, but the one I’ll never forget is the Great Mighty Poo.

He is one of the biggest bosses in the game and is literally an angry talking piece of shit. He has digested corn for teeth and two little arms which he uses to fling poo at you. Before the battle begins he clears his throat and sings a song to Conker, hands down the greatest song I’ve ever heard in a video game. They don’t call him Sloprano for nothing. The Great Mighty Poo’s only weakness seems to be toilet paper. Between the song’s verses he opens his mouth and that’s when you can throw giant rolls of TP in his mouth. After three hits he starts to flush in a scene reminiscent of the Wicked Witch of the West’s death from The Wizard of Oz.

It’s hard to believe there are not that many poo monsters in video games, but this is probably what makes the Great Mighty Poo stand out even more. Every first-person shooter has exploding barrels, but how many games with shit characters can you name? What a world, what a world.

I’ve included the lyrics to the Great Mighty Poo’s song. Enjoy!

I am the Great Mighty Poo and I’m going to throw my shit at you.
A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish.
How about some scat, you little twat?

Do you really think you’ll survive in here?
You don’t seem to know which creek you’re in.
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes him through my rear.
How do you think I keep this lovely grin?

Have some more caviar.

Now I’m really getting rather mad.
You’re like a niggly, tickly, shitty little tag nut.
When I’ve knocked you out with all my bab
I’m going to take your head and ram it up my butt.

Character Profile: Raziel

I’ve always like this guy for his dashing good looks and charming personality. He was a priest that got turned into a vampire, and then turned into a wraith. His story is a bit complicated, but I’ll try to explain it as I understand it.

After Raziel died as a human he, along with five other priests, were “resurrected” as undead vampires by Kain. Yeah, that guy from Blood Omen. They acted as Kain’s lieutenants and helped him acquire full control of Nosgoth. Raziel was so awesome that he developed a new vampiric feature, a pair of wings. Not even Kain had reached such awesomeness and this made him very jealous. He ordered two of his goons to rip Raziel’s wings off and cast him into the Lake of the Dead, where he became a wraith. He had lost his flesh and need for drinking blood and could now devour souls instead. He can also travel from the dead realm to the real world. Even though his wings were badly damaged, he can still hover around with what little is left of them.

Raziel set out to take revenge on Kain, but first he had to take care of the other priests turned vampire. At some point Raziel bonded with Kain’s weapon, the Soul Reaver. During a fight, Kain shattered the blade on Raziel’s head and it was sent to the Spectral Realm. Since Raziel can travel to that realm he was able to fuse with it. It’s not really a blade, but it’s used at one. See that weird light on Raziel’s right arm in the pic above? That’s the Soul Reaver.

The first game Raziel appeared was Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver for the PSone, released in 1999 by Eidos. It reminded me of Tomb Raider because there was a lot of exploring and climbing around. Fighting baddies was cool and you could perform little fatalities with spears and stuff. After defeating an enemy, their soul was released and you could absorb it for extra health. Raziel lost his lower jaw when he fell to the Lake of the Dead and when he lowers the cape around his mouth you can see the huge hole where he sucks up the souls. Creepy and cool at the same time.

There hasn’t been any new Legacy of Kain game since Defiance, released in 2003 for the PS2, Xbox and PC, but there’s hope. In Tomb Raider Legend, also developed by Crystal Dynamics, there was a secret costume for Lara Croft that gave her a neck tattoo of Raziel’s clan glyph and a belt buckle with Kain’s glyph. Maybe this is a hint, and we’ll be seeing more of Raziel in the future.

Character Profile: Dan Hibiki

The Street Fighter game series is known for its excellent gameplay, perfect controls and awesome characters. Ryu, Chun Li, Sagat, M. Bison and Akuma are just some of the cool and popular characters you can play as. But there’s one character almost no one ever chooses. I’m talking of course about Dan Hibiki.

Dan is probably the cockiest, most overconfident warrior in the world, but is also the weakest. Capcom made sure Dan sucked big time because he is meant to be a parody of Ryo Sakasaki and Robert Garcia from the Art of Fighting series. You see, Ryo looks way too similar to Ken, with the karate gi and even special moves, and the name Ryo is almost like Ryu. So, in a funny retaliation to SNK’s imitation, Capcom made Dan, the weakest, lamest fighter ever. He has Ryo’s clothes and Robert’s face, complete with the pony tail. He was given the color pink because there really isn’t a gayest color for a fighter.

His story is almost as pathetic as he is. Many years ago Dan’s father, Go Hibiki, fought Sagat and managed to gouge his eye. Sagat killed Go for this and Dan has been searching for him ever since. Dan trained with Gouken, Ryu and Ken’s master, but was expelled from his dojo when he learned of Dan’s vengeful motivations for fighting. Dan had no choice but to create his own martial arts style called Saikyo-ryuu, meaning “the strongest style”.

Dan’s attacks are a joke and his special attacks, although inspired by Ryu and Ken’s, are a waste of time and effort. His projectile attack, the Gadouken, doesn’t travel farther than two inches from his first. It’s super lame! His answer to the Hurricane Kick, the Dankukyaku is awkward and easily blocked. His Koryuken, similar to the Shoryuken, is less crappy but not nearly as effective and just looks lame. He has an extra original move where he autographs on a portrait and flings it at his opponent. His super moves are all equally pathetic.

It is rumored that when Dan finally met Sagat and challenged him to a deathmatch, Sagat felt pity for him and threw the fight. Dan felt complete and changed his focus to perfecting the Saikyo style and opening his own dojo. He is good friends with Blanka and trained Sakura during the events of Street Fighter Alpha 3.

I hated Dan at first because he didn’t fit well with the other world warriors introduced in Street Fighter Alpha, but he’s just so ridiculous there was no way of resisting his charms. The ultimate satisfaction you can accomplish is playing as Dan and beating your friends while they play as Shin Akuma, or any other tough character. You get extra bragging rights if you manage to pull off his level 3 super taunt and still win the fight. By the way, that move leaves you vulnerable for about 5 seconds, so it shouldn’t be done, ever, but it is hilarious.

Character Profile: Jar Jar Binks

Back in 1983, when Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi was released, many people thought the Ewoks ruined the film because there’s just no way that furry midget teddy bears could defeat Imperial Stormtroopers by throwing rocks at them. I for one love the Ewoks because although I know they are stupid, they looked so cute and cuddly when I was a child, that the love for them grew up along with me. But by 1999, when Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released, I was 21 and I did not want to see any Ewoks in my new Star Wars. There were no Ewoks, but there sure were a lot of Gungans.

In general, I like the Gungans because they live in cool underwater domes and have a pretty sweet army, along with cool technology and transports. Boss Nass, their leader, and Captain Tarpals are pretty cool and do their jobs well. But there’s one Gungan in particular I don’t like: Jar Jar Binks. Why oh why is he so stupid and annoying? Was George Lucas high when he created him? Worst of all, he’s one of the most important characters in the movie, and continued to play an important role in Episode II as well.

So what makes Jar Jar so hateable?

1. His face is stupid. While most Gungans look alike, Jar Jar’s face is beyond retarded. Qui-Gon told him the ability to speak doesn’t mean he’s intelligent, and Obi-Wan referred to him as a pathetic life form. Jar Jar didn’t feel bad or anything, as he probably doesn’t understand the concept of stupid.

2. The way he talks. “Yousa tinkin yousa people gonna die?” Who talks like that? All the other Gungans talk like this, and it irritates the hell out of me, but Jar Jar’s voice is the worst and most stupid. Did George Lucas tell Ahmed Best (the voice actor) to talk like he just ate a peyote cactus for his audition? I can’t understand anything he says. It's easier to interpret Jabba the Hutt without reading the subtitles.

3. He’s a dumb fuck. I am constantly wondering how he managed to live long enough to even reach adulthood. He walks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and seems to have an IQ below 60. He does everything wrong. His own people hate him and banned him from the city because he is clumsy.

4. He helped create the Empire. Chancellor Palpatine had no problems persuading Jar Jar to propose the senate give him special powers to create a Grand Army of the Republic, which he would later use to create the Galactic Empire to kill all the Jedi and enslave anyone who opposed him. Nice going, Jar Jar.

5. He’s a walking and talking racist stereotype. I don’t completely agree on this one but many people hate Jar Jar because he reminds them of blackface actors from early 20th century that spoke in broken English and behaved like idiots. He says 'meesa' all the time, and black slaves used to call their owners 'masa' instead of master. Other characters were accused of being stereotypes as well. Watto is a big-nosed, greedy Jew and the Neimoidians are evil, power-hungry Japanese. Did Lucas do this on purpose or is it a conspiracy?

I’ll never understand why Lucas decided to give Jar Jar such a stupid personality and so much air time. What The Phantom Menace needed was less Binks and more Maul. He learned from his mistake and gave him less scenes and dialog for Episode II and barely included him in Episode III, but the damage had already been done. Jar Jar Binks… yousa suckin big doo-doo!!

Character Profile: Waluigi

For 1992's Game Boy game Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins, Nintendo wanted to create a new villain for Mario to fight, and they came up with Wario. Greedy, ugly, fat and evil. He’s the complete opposite of Mario, except for the fat part. Gamers loved him and Nintendo started putting Wario in more games and even giving him a few of his own. Nintendo then teamed with Camelot to make a Mario-themed tennis game called, what else, Mario Tennis. Wario was in it, and Camelot thought it would be cool to have a new character to be Luigi’s nemesis, as Wario is to Mario. Enter Waluigi, one of the crappiest game characters ever made.

My problem with Waluigi is not in his actual design, as it fits perfectly with Luigi and Wario, no, the problem is his name. In Japanese “warui” means “evil”, so Waruiji literally means “evil Luigi”, which I guess it’s fine, but it doesn’t mean shit in English. An inverted “M” gives you a “W”, but there’s no letter for an inverted “L”, so why not name him something else entirely? It makes no sense to have an inverted “L” on his gloves, because his name starts with a “W”, so why not have him wear a “W” on his gloves? Because Wario already has the “W”, of course. It’s so stupid!

Even though Waluigi is in various games, like Mario Party, Mario Kart, Mario Strikers, Mario Golf and a few others, he still doesn’t have one of his own, leading me to believe that Nintendo doesn’t like him that much. Please kill him off silently, Nintendo. I’m sure after a few Mario games without him we’ll all forget he ever existed.