Movie Review: The Game Plan

Starring:
Dwayne Johnson, Madison Pettis, Kyra Sedgwick, Roselyn Sánchez, Morris Chestnut, Paige Turco

Director:
Andy Fickman (She’s the Man)

MPAA Rating:
PG for some mild thematic elements.

Release Date:
September 2007

Synopsis:
NFL star Joe Kingman is in his prime: He's rich, famous and one of the world's most eligible bachelors. There's nothing that can throw him off his game. Nothing, that is, except for the emergence of the 7-year-old daughter he never knew he had. Now, with his team gunning for a title, Joe must find a way to balance crushing gridiron action with bedtime stories and ballet classes.

My Two Cents:
Dwayne Johnson has proven to be a huge success in the wrestling ring as The Rock, and has also proved he’s got enough charisma and dedication to be a Hollywood actor. Disney saw his potential and turned an otherwise lame movie script into a box office success. Dwayne can slowly move away from his “Rock” persona and widen his appeal.

Movies don’t get more predictable than this. A top football player who’s completely full of himself learns about a daughter he never knew he had and while his life gets turned upside down he eventually succumbs to her charms and they live happily ever after. It’s a Disney movie after all. I’m sure the little ones won’t mind and will dig it, but adults who don’t have kids or care much about them will not find enough here to keep themselves busy.



Madison Pettis is a cutie and holds her own on the screen with Johnson. She’s not annoying or bratty, like so many other family-oriented movie kids. Her ballet teacher, fellow Puerto Rican Roselyn Sánchez, is Johnson’s love interest but it never gets all mushy between them. They don’t even kiss, which sucks for Johnson. The rest of the cast plays it out well enough not to suck, with the exception of Hayes MacArthur who’s character is so stupid it’s not even funny.

I like Dwayne Johnson, and it is nice to see him being awkward while practicing ballet with his little girl and having tea parties. He’s not all about bashing foes with brute strength like he did in the ring. Johnson brings his most powerful weapon of all, his charm, and he will disarm you with it. The Game Plan is not super funny or original, but charming nonetheless.

Score:

Character Profile: Proto Man

Before creating Mega Man, Dr. Light created a prototype he named Proto Man. I’ve never been sure why he’s so different than Mega Man if he was an early draft of him, or if he never intended Proto Man to be more than a trainer to the Blue Bomber. According to his story in Mega Man: The Power Fighters, Proto Man has a fatal defect in his energy system and is in constant pain. Perhaps this is why Dr. Light replaced him with Mega Man, although they’re basically identical on the inside.

Proto Man’s first appearance was in Mega Man 3, where he would attack Mega Man for a few seconds then leave, opening new areas for Mega Man to explore. He seemed like an enemy, but you could tell he was only testing and training Mega Man. Back then he used the code name Break Man.

Although he has only been playable in the arcade games Mega Man: The Power Battle and Mega Man: The Power Fighters, Proto Man (called Blues in Japan) has made cameos in pretty much every Mega Man game after part 3. Like Mega Man, Proto Man has the ability to absorb his opponent’s weapons. He has a slightly more powerful arm cannon than Mega Man, which he can charge to a point where it hurts him but delivers massive damage to his opponents. His signature ability, however, is the Proto Shield. It’s huge, but it can deflect enemy fire with the greatest of ease and also works as a ramming device when the going gets rough.

Movie Review: Mr. Woodcock

Starring:
Billy Bob Thornton, Seann William Scott, Susan Sarandon, Ethan Suplee, Amy Peohler, Melissa Sagemiller

Director:
Craig Gillespie

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for crude and sexual content, thematic material, language and a mild drug reference.

Release Date:
September 2007

Synopsis:
When self-help author John Farley returns home to visit his mother, he's shocked to find out that she's fallen for his sadistic high school gym teacher, Mr. Woodcock. Now, with their upcoming nuptials looming, John needs to apply his self-help techniques to his own life and make sure his mom stays single.

My Two Cents:
It’s kind of sad good actors like Billy Bob Thornton and Susan Sarandon end up doing crap like Mr. Woodcock when they get older. Well, not everything about this movie is crap, but it could have been better.

Sean William Scott’s role doesn’t suit him at first because we’re used to him being an ass in American Pie and here he plays a successful writer and self-help guru. As his rage towards Mr. Woodcock grows he starts acting more like what you would expect from him, and that’s when the movie is at its funniest. Even then, I think I only laughed twice, and already forgot why.



I didn’t fall asleep or anything, so that automatically puts it at 2 stars. Ethan Suplee once again plays a semi-retard that starts out sort of funny but then kind of creeps you out. Susan Sarandon is always enjoyable, but Amy Peohler is just too over the top. Billy Bob Thornton is probably the least funny person here, but I guess he’s just following the director’s orders. He was way funnier in Sling Blade.

Mr. Woodcock barely made enough money to cover its $22 million budget, so it wasn’t a huge failure. Sadly, that’s not saying much. There are worst comedies out there, but you have to be either drunk, high, or a raging Seann William Scott fan to watch this after reading my review.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Feb 22-24

This week’s top movie is Vantage Point, which has a crapload of known actors including Forest Whitaker, William Hurt, Sigourney Weaver, Dennis Quaid and Mathew Fox. February doesn’t usually get a lot of action dramas, so this was refreshing. The other new film is Jack Black’s Be Kind Rewind that opened in a semi-limited release (around 800 theaters) and shared the #7 spot with Juno.

1. Vantage Point
This week: $24,000,000
Total: $24,000,000

2. Jumper
This week: $12,650,000
Total: $56,206,000

3. The Spiderwick Chronicles
This week: $12,600,000
Total: $43,576,000

4. Step Up 2 the Streets
This week: $9,787,000 - Total: $41,419,000

5. Fool’s Gold
This week: $6,270,000 - Total: $52,433,000

6. Definitely, Maybe
This week: $5,184,000 - Total: $21,781,000

7. Be Kind Rewind
This week: $4,100,000 - Total: $4,100,000

7. Juno
This week: $4,100,000 - Total: $130,377,000

9. Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
This week: $3,989,000 - Total: $35,494,000

10. There Will Be Blood
This week: $2,561,000 - Total: $34,986,000

Movie Review: Mr. Brooks

Starring:
Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, William Hurt, Dane Cook, Marg Helgenberger, Rubén Santiago, Danielle Panabaker

Director:
Bruce A. Evans

MPAA Rating:
R for strong bloody violence, some graphic sexual content, nudity and language.

Release Date:
June 2007

My Two Cents:
Earl Brooks (Kevin Costner), a successful business man, lovable husband and caring father has a dark secret. While most people are addicted to alcohol or cigarettes, Earl is addicted to killing. He has suffered from this all his life but has never been caught. He even “signs” the murders by leaving bloody fingerprints of his victims, gaining the nickname of the Thumbprint Killer. His alter ego, Marshall (William Hurt), constantly tries to persuade Earl to go out and have some more fun killing, but for two straight years Earl has been “clean”.

It’s hard to go cold turkey like that, and Marshall finally convinces Earl to kill again. He murders a couple who liked to have sex with the curtains open. This time, however, he makes a critical mistake by standing too close to the window and someone from the building in front takes a picture of him. Mr. Smith (Dane Cook), the photographer, instead of going to the police asks Earl to take him along the next time he kills someone. This is tricky business as Smith has some issues, and it doesn’t help that Detective Tracy Atwood (Demi Moore) has been looking for the Thumbprint Killer for years and may finally have enough evidence to catch him.

This is the kind of thriller I’m always looking for. Smart, entertaining and filled with unpredictable plot twists. It doesn’t hurt to have such fine actors as William Hurt and Kevin Costner. Similar to American Psycho, Mr. Brooks stars a wealthy, successful man who doesn’t seem to be missing anything in his life, except upstairs in their head. Earl Brooks suffers from chronic schizophrenia, a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations. This explains Marshall’s character and why he can’t help following his advises. He also has other issues like bizarre sexual fantasies and playing with fire. But unlike most schizophrenics the people around Earl don’t realize he is missing a screw. Unfortunately, his daughter may have inherited his killing ways, and this is something Earl has feared for 18 years.

Keep in mind that this is a psychological thriller about a serial murderer and the constant struggle with his inner demon. There’s very little action or comedy, although I did laugh a few times in scenes where Marshall tries to charm Earl to get him to do what he wants. Earl and Marshall are the same person, but it’s still awesome to see Hurt and Costner interact with each other. It’s very clear they enjoyed those roles a great deal.



Dane Cook is known for his stand up routines, but he gives a pretty good performance as the killer in training, opposite Kevin Costner. Demi Moore is a bit stiffer, but perhaps this was on purpose because detectives are jaded and apparently emotionless. She keeps her boobs hidden at all times and you could mistake her for a man it if wasn’t for her divorce subplot. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Moore less feminine, not even in G.I. Jane.

It’s hard to imagine Mr. Brooks director/writer Bruce A. Evans previously wrote Stand By Me and Starman, two very different styles of movies with 100% less serial murderers. And it’s also hard to believe Mr. Brooks is not based on a novel or short story, it is completely original, exclusively for this movie. That’s very refreshing and a sign that not all Hollywood writers are interested in lame remakes of old classics.

Score:

Ask Ackbar

Felis silvestris catus is a small carnivorous species of crepuscular mammal that is often valued by humans for its companionship and its ability to hunt vermin. It has been associated with humans and the Mon Calamari for at least 9,500 years. Yep, that’s a cat alright.

Famous cats in movies and TV include Garfield, Felix, Scratchy, Hello Kitty, Sylvester, Tom, and Azrael.

Movie Review: Saw IV

Starring:
Tobin Bell, Lyriq Bent, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Betsy Russell, Athena Karkanis, Justin Loius, Donnie Wahlberg

Director:
Darren Lynn Bousman (Identity Lost, Saw II)

MPAA Rating:
R for sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture throughout, and for language.

Release Date:
October 2007

Synopsis:
Jigsaw and his apprentice Amanda are dead. Now, upon the news of Detective Kerry's murder, two seasoned FBI profilers arrive to assist the veteran Detective Hoffman in sifting through Jigsaw's latest remains and piecing together the puzzle. However, when SWAT Commander Rigg is abducted and thrust into a game, the last officer untouched by Jigsaw has but ninety minutes to overcome a series of demented traps and save an old friend or face the deadly consequences.

My Two Cents:
Another week, another Saw movie. It seems like it was yesterday that I saw the first one and we’re already at part four, with part five coming this October. They’re milking the hell out of this, but at least they’re still coming up with neat ideas and plot twists. On the down side, as interesting as those plot twists are, things can get a little crazy with so many characters. You might need a degree in sawology to decipher who’s who and why this or that makes any sense.

You cannot enjoy any Saw movie without watching them all. There’s no way to follow the story or the character’s motives. I’m assuming you’ve watched them all leading up to part four, but even then you might not know what the hell is going on. It’s tradition to screw you at the end with a mind-shattering plot twist, but it’s just getting out of hand now. If a character doesn’t get cut in half or decapitated on-screen he or she could and probably will come back for a sequel, so try your best to remember each character’s name and face. On top of that, Saw IV and Saw III happen simultaneously. While Saw III focused on Jeff Reinhart trying to save his daughter and wife, Jigsaw had already planned a very elaborate trap for Lieutenant Rigg and had already chosen a replacement for Amanda. Saw IV actually starts at the end, letting you know what will happen in the inevitable Saw V, but then walks you through the events leading up to the starting scene. What? I know.



Ignoring all that chronological madness, I’ll say I fully enjoyed Saw IV as much as any other. The traps are less shocking, but that could be because we’ve already seen so many good ones. It’s great that Jigsaw’s death did not stop him from tormenting his victims. Here we learn that being diagnosed with terminal cancer wasn’t the only reason that sent John Kramer on a killing spree, if you can call it that. More about his past is told through flashbacks, leading to his very first “murder”.

I will not spoil the fun of finding out who lives and who dies. Go watch Saw III again before watching part IV or you’ll be kind of lost. If you’ve stayed with the series so far there’s no reason to skip Saw IV, and then look forward to Saw V and beyond.

Score:

The HD Format War is Over: RIP HD DVD

It was only a matter of time, but Toshiba’s announcement that it will officially stop production of HD DVD discs and players still brought tears to my eyes. Well, not really, but it still sucks so much ass.

Just a few months ago, back in October, everything was fine. Paramount had announced they would go HD DVD exclusive and the Blu-ray crowd cried as they would not be getting an HD version of Transformers. HD DVD players were all the rage.

But the cheese started to stink when Warner Bros. joined Sony Pictures (Columbia/Tristar) Fox, Disney and went Blu-ray exclusive. That started a snowball effect that ultimately led to the HD DVD format’s demise. It was just too much. On top of that, big name retailers like Wal-Mart, Blockbuster, Target and Netflix also turned their backs on HD DVD, putting the final nails in HD DVD’s coffin. It was a brutal gang up.

So Sony’s more expensive HD format finally won. Will Universal Studios and Paramount/DreamWorks, the only studios to remain HD DVD-exclusive, go Blu-ray? Of course they will, there is no other option. We’ll also be seeing a Blu-ray adapter for the Xbox 360, and a big spike in stand-alone Blu-ray players as well as PlayStation 3 consoles.

I’m glad there’s a definite winner in the high definition format war, but it’s always sad to see a serious contender lose, and one that I was in favor of. I have yet to see a live action movie on Blu-ray that looks better than King Kong on HD DVD. I’ll be keeping my Planet Earth, Complete Matrix Trilogy and Transformers HD DVD’s as collector’s items, even after I have no HD DVD player to watch them on. I congratulate Sony for the win, and thank Toshiba for trying to lower the price of HD content.

Movie Review: Mr. Bean's Holiday

Starring:
Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe, Clint Dyer, Jean Rochefort, Emma de Caunes, Karel Roden, Max Baldry

Director:
Steve Bendelack

MPAA Rating:
G (brief mild language)

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
Mr. Bean heads to the French Riviera for a vacation, but along the way becomes ensnared in an accidental kidnapping and a case of mistaken identity.

My Two Cents:
It’s crazy to think Mr. Bean has been around for 18 years and still manages to get attention and make people laugh. This second feature film has the bumbling idiot traveling to France to kick it at the beach in Cannes. He doesn’t speak French, and he’s traveling by himself so you know all sort of zany shit is bound to happen.

If you have no idea who Mr. Bean is you’ll still be able to enjoy the movie, but it’s so stupid and slow you might consider skipping it. Fans of the TV show know exactly what to expect, and that’s exactly what you get. Mr. Bean is a child in a grown man’s body, according to Rowan Atkinson, and that’s kind of sad when you think about it. Sometimes you laugh at him, sometimes you feel pity. He’s borderline retarded.



The problem I had with the movie is that even though the Bean character has its unique charms he’s just too stupid for me to care about him. Everything that happens to him is so silly, that maybe only small children will find it funny. Some scenes take forever to unfold, and there’s nothing funny about that. At one point Mr. Bean is hitchhiking for almost 10 minutes, another scenes has him listening to an endless list of cell phone ring tones, and then there’s the scene when he’s falling asleep while driving. You get the “joke” in a second but have to sit through for countless of minutes for it to be over so they can move on to the nest unnecessary long scene.

There’s some mild fun to be had regardless of the idiocy and ultra slow pace, and it’s only about 1 hour and a half long, so it’s somewhat bearable. I enjoyed Willem Dafoe’s character as well as the constant change in scenery. France seems like a nice place to visit and Cannes rocks. I don’t think we need another Mr. Bean movie, but at least this one doesn’t completely suck. Save it for the kids.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Feb 15-17

Bye bye Mathew McConaughey, hello Hayden Christensen. Finally, after 2005’s Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Hayden scores a hit with Jumper, the number 1 movie in America. The top 3 movies did pretty good overall, so this was a great week for Hollywood.

1. Jumper
This week: $27,225,000
Total: $33,850,000

2. Step Up 2 the Streets
This week: $19,666,000
Total: $26,267,000

3. The Spiderwick Chronicles
This week: $19,080,000
Total: $21,389,000

4. Fool’s Gold
This week: $13,080,000 - Total: $42,035,000

5. Definitely, Maybe
This week: $9,685,000 - Total: $12,804,000

6. Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
This week: $8,880,000 - Total: $29,121,000

7. Juno
This week: $4,625,000 - Total: $124,090,000

8. The Bucket List
This week: $4,105,000 - Total: $81,085,000

9. Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour
This week: $3,289,000 - Total: $58,417,000

10. 27 Dresses
This week: $3,175,000 - Total: $69,937,000

Wii Virtual Console Review: Legend of Hero Tonma

Developer: Irem
Publisher: Irem
Console: TurboGrafx-16
Release Date: 1991

You are Tommy. You have a cape. You are… a superhero! This is all you need to know to get excited about this game. Why is the game called Legend of Hero Tonma when the character you play as is called Tommy is one of the many timeless unanswered questions not even Nostradamus can answer.

A princess has been kidnapped by the devil, or a some sort of giant demon, and will either kill her or make her his bride. I’m making up the story as I go because the game doesn’t seem to have a story. So Tommy must use his inhuman ability of tossing minute fireballs from his fingertip to save the princess.

The gameplay is very similar to Capcom’s Ghouls n’ Ghosts, but with 100% less middle-aged men in their underwear. Tommy shoots fireballs and these can be upgraded many times to change the size and direction. You also collect useless bagsof gold and coins scattered around. You can’t buy anything but it adds up to your score and eventually gain some additional lives. And you’ll be needing them since you die with just one hit. I fucking hate not having a life bar, even if it’s tiny.



For such a simple and rather cute-looking game things can get pretty damn hard at times. Most enemies just walk left or right, but others jump in weird patterns and shoot crap at you in all directions. There are these rock totems that shoot at you like crazy, and you must dodge their shots while dodging armies of skeletons, bats and other shit that’s coming to kill you. It’s brutal, and not fun. The game is short, with only six stages and seven bosses, but it’s hard, dull and monotonous, so it doesn’t matter.

Even for such an old game the music quality is so bad it’s embarrassing. I can’t remember any of the music tracks, or even the sound effects. Maybe I had the speakers off, I honestly don’t know.



I was disappointed not to find as much Engrish as other games of the early 1990’s. Besides “Can you surely save the legendary princess?” and “The story of your brave rescue will be handed down through generations… …as a splendid legend.” I can’t think of any other, and those aren’t that bad. You can always go back to Blue’s Journey to get your Engrish fix.

There is no real reason to purchase this turd besides telling your friends how awesome you are because you own even goddamn Virtual Console release. If you are like this then you should walk around with a “I Suck” T-shirt at all times, you sad freak. Everyone else stay the hell away from Tommy and his fireballs.

Score:

Movie Review: Stardust

Starring:
Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Ricky Gervais, Sienna Miller, Mark Strong, Peter O’Toole, Rupert Everett

Director:
Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for some fantasy violence and risqué humor.

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
A young man journeys to a magical world to win the heart of his true love in this fantasy based on Neil Gaiman's novel. Tristan has promised Victoria that he'll retrieve a fallen star to secure her love. Unfolding on both sides of a parallel universe separated by only a thin barrier of stone, Stardust reveals just how amazingly close the familiar and the totally fantastic can be to one another.

My Two Cents:
Once upon a time there was a magical world and a real, non-magical world. They were divided by a brick wall, and crossing it was forbidden. A dork called Tristan (Charlie Cox), raised in the real world, is madly in love with Victoria (Sienna Miller), but she’s a total bitch and only cares about money and status. A shooting star falls and Tristan tells her he’ll bring the star to her if she marries him. Thinking this was impossible she accepts, and Tristan ventures beyond the wall into the unknown to retrieve the fallen rock. The star turned out to be a woman called Yvaine (Claire Danes), and Tristan claims his prize regardless. He’ll take her back to the real world, but that’s when all sort of crazy things happen. Three witches are after Yvaine’s heart in order to regain their youth, and there’s the son of a recently deceased king is after Yvaine’s necklace so he can be crowned as the new king.

It’s nice to watch a movie the whole family can enjoy, and even though Stardust is rated PG-13 for some violence and sexual situations, it’s done in a funny, almost cartoony way. Nothing the kids haven’t seen before. I mean, there are ghosts, homosexuality, a decapitation and other scary images, but it's really not that bad.



The star power is impressive, but this isn’t a drama and none of them deliver spectacular performances. It’s fine, since I wasn’t expecting them to. My favorite is probably Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, the evil witch Lamia, because it somehow fits her perfectly. Robert De Niro plays a cross-dressing pirate, and Rupert Everett plays one of the king’s sons. His role is more like a cameo. Claire Danes shines as the fallen star Yvaine, but all I can say about Charlie Cox is that he’s a dork.

Stardust is a fairytale like the ones we dreamed about when we were little. It’s got the bumbling hero who meets a beautiful girl and must protect her from evil. It’s very cute and romantic, definitely a nice break from all the blood, gore and sexual exploitation I’m used to seeing in movies. The environments are nicely done, as are the special effects. Even the music is epic enough to be memorable. Great actors, fun story, kid-friendly and your girlfriend/wife will love it. You can’t go wrong with Stardust.

Score:

Movie Review: 30 Days of Night

Starring:
Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Ben Foster, Danny Huston, Mark Boone Jr., Mark Rendall

Director:
David Slade (Hard Candy)

MPAA Rating:
R for strong horror violence and language.

Release Date:
October 2007

Synopsis:
When a month-long darkness sets in on the tiny Alaskan town of Barrow, the locals are visited by a flock of bloodthirsty vampires eager to take advantage of the no-sun zone. The town sheriff Eben Oleson and his deputy and wife, Stella, must act fast to save the dark day. Based on a popular horror comic by Steve Niles.

My Two Cents:
A different approach at horror vampire movies, but somewhere along the line the fear and excitement is traded for monotony and dullness. It starts great, with a small Alaskan town that goes a full month without sunlight. The town’s population of less than 600 people gets cut to less than 200 during this harsh month, and on top of that, some vandals have been pulling off odd stunts like burning cell phones, cutting electrical cords, and murdering guard dogs.

Sheriff Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett) must solve the mystery surrounding the town’s acts of vandalism. Along with his wife and a few others, they must stay hidden until they figure out what exactly is going on. It turns out a group of vampires is the cause of their troubles, and with no sun coming for a month they’re pretty much screwed. The vampires are wingless, but have inhuman strength, agility and endurance. They can either eat you or turn you into one of them. So this can be seen as a zombie movie, I guess. They speak in a weird language and hiss a lot.



Most of the movie is spent in dark attics or other boring sections of houses. For long periods of time there’s nothing going on. The characters are not that interesting because they are not developed, so you don’t really care if they get eaten or not. The vampires have no personality so you don’t care about them either. I did hate their leader, a middle aged guy that is in desperate need of a bib, and his bitch was annoying as hell. The ending was also lame, with a ridiculous fist fight between Eben and the vampire boss.

Most people who’ve seen the movie seem to like it, but I don’t know why. It’s watchable and mildly entertaining, but not as scary or suspenseful as I had hoped. If you leave logic out then it might seem cooler, but even then there’s no way a small group of ordinary townies could survive for 30 days with no electricity, very little food, and a hungry pack of vicious vampires outside the window.

Score:

Game Commercials: Sega Game Gear

The Game Boy was challenged for its handheld crown many times, but it ate those other portable systems for breakfast. Here are two ads for the Sega Game Gear, a superior handheld that just couldn’t knock Nintendo’s black and white beast off the top.



Say, isn’t that fat kid Ethan Suplee, the guy from My Name is Earl? Sega compared themselves to Nintendo all the time, and here they are suggesting Game Boy players are retarded. Take that, Mario!




I don’t know what the deal with that lady is, but she seems to be coke’d up. Did you catch her Psycho Crusher-like spin attack? Perhaps a side effect from playing fruity Game Gear games. No wonder this handheld failed.

Movie Review: Shrek the Third

Starring:
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Justin Timberlake, Rupert Everett, Julie Andrews, Eric Idle

Director:
Chris Miller

MPAA Rating:
PG for some crude humor, suggestive content and swashbuckling action.

Release Date:
May 2007

Synopsis:
Life in the swamp seems better than ever for Shrek and Fiona, until King Harold suddenly falls ill and the ogre must find an acceptable heir or he'll have to assume the throne. Joined by his faithful companions Donkey and Puss-in-Boots, Shrek tracks down Cousin Artie, the future king, as Fiona and Queen Lillian defend the kingdom from the insidious Prince Charming.

My Two Cents:
CG movies are now the standard when it comes to animated movies, replacing the hand-drawn techniques of older Disney movies like Pocahontas and Fantasia. I believe it was Pixar’s Toy Story that started it all in 1995, but Shrek is the undisputed king of CG movies, having amassed over $2 billion dollars worldwide. Combining state of the art technology with top Hollywood voice talent and witty screenplays, Shrek has been enjoyed by pretty much everyone.

The first Shrek movie was fantastic. It was funny, smart, beautiful to look at, and just plain fun. Shrek 2 was a bit of a letdown, not at the box office, but for me. It wasn’t bad, but the first one was so much better it was hard to compete. Now that I’ve seen Shrek the Third I realize DreamWorks has pretty much run out of ideas and jokes and it’s time to let the series retire. But no, they’ve already announced Shrek Goes Fourth and Shrek 5, so this cow will continue to be milked for years to come.



Fantasy should not be mixed with reality, so having Shrek deal with the anxiety of being a father is not something the kids can relate to, or parents need to be reminded of. I rather watch Shrek fighting dragons than changing diapers. The villain once again is Prince Charming, who tries to take over Far Far Away, but we already saw this in Shrek 2. The new characters Artie (Justin Timberlake) and Merlin (Eric Idle) are not as funny or memorable as I’d hoped. They try their best to shine with the dialog they are given, but it didn’t work for me. All the returning cast did a good job, as expected, and Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy are still hilarious, and by far the funniest.

If you’re not into the Shrek series this one won’t convert you, and casual fans like me will be disappointed. I recommend watching the HD DVD version because even if the jokes are not funny at least everything looks gorgeous, vibrant and alive. I really hope they get it together for the next installment and bring Shrek back to its former glory.

Score:

Movie Review: Dragon Wars (aka D-War)

Starring:
Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks, Robert Forster, Craig Robinson, Aimee García, Chris Mulkey, Elizabeth Peña

Director:
Hyung-rae Shim (Reptilian, Dragon Tuka)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and creature action.

Release Date:
September 2007

Synopsis:
In present-day Los Angeles, reporter Ethan Kendrick investigates a series of inexplicable disasters plaguing the city. Fortunately for the citizenry, legend has it that Ethan is in fact the incarnation of an ancient warrior destined to team with the modern counterpart of his eternal beloved to protect the City of Angels from a giant snake.

My Two Cents:
I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for a while trying to describe my feelings about this movie, but the only three words that come to my mind are “big fucking mess”. It’s like a really bad episode of Power Rangers where the guest villain is the Cloverfield monster. No, actually that would be cool. It’s like having $75 million dollars and exchanging them for having a giant snake take a diarrhea dump in your eyes for 90 minutes. Yeah, that’s more like it.

What would you do with $75 million dollars? That’s the estimated budget of D-War, a movie supposedly about dragons. That’s what the D in the title stands for, Dragons. But where are the dragons? I see a giant snake, raptors and some fat frog-ish creatures, but no dragons. According to an ancient Korean legend, magical gigantic snake-like creatures called Imugis wander our planet, waiting for the gods to transform them into dragons, but only one Imugi can be turned into a dragon. A woman is born with a dragon-shaped birthmark on her shoulder every 500 years, and that woman is called the Yeo-ui-ju. At the age of 20, the Yeo-ui-ju must sacrifece herself to the Imugi, and it will transform into a dragon and go to heaven. By the time the Yeo-ui-ju appears, two warriors are sent from heaven to protect her from evil Imugis. There’s a really mean one caller Buraki that’s so evil it controls an army of, guys in armor, and some dinosaurs, and what the fuck? Anyway, one of the two heavenly warriors fell in love with the Yeo-ui-ju and no new dragon was created. Fast forward 500 years, to preset time, and a new Yeo-ui-ju has been born and Buraki still wants a piece of that ass.

I would explain more about the mystical plot, but I was half-asleep the whole time so I don’t know much more than what I’ve written. Trust me when I say you can’t get involved too much with the plot because you could die from unstoppable laughter. Most of the movie is in English, but some flashback scenes are in Korean, because the director is from Korea and everyone involved in this mess is Korean, except the actors. Jason Behr (The Grudge) stars as Ethan Kendrick, the protector of the new Yeo-ui-ju played by Amanda Brooks. Just like 500 years ago, they fall in love and Buraki gets pissed all over again. Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) plays Jack, an antics shop owner and the reincarnation of one of the heavenly protectors of the Yeo-ui-ju. He knows kung fu. I like Jason and Robert, but they suck so badly in D-War thanks to a script written by a spider monkey and dialog written by an aborted child.



The only saving grace of D-War are the special effects. Clearly 99% of the film’s budget went to the visual effects crew, because it’s the only decent aspect. The giant snakes look cool, are animated fluidly and their interaction with the environments are believable. The other creatures are OK as well, like the small dragons that raid Los Angeles, but the snakes got the most attention. Speaking of those small fire-breathing dragons… where the fuck did they come from? The whole point of the movie is getting the damn Yeo-ui-ju away from Buraki so it doesn’t turn into an evil dragon god, but there are countless smaller dragons all over the place. Idiotic. The final showdown between the good Imugi and Buraki is pretty entertaining, and when a dragon finally appears I must say it looked awesome. This is how Shen Long should look like in the Dragon Ball Z movie.

Everything besides Buraki coiling around buildings in L.A. is a giant piece of reptile excrement. Horrible acting, laughable plot and dialog, bad pacing, lame sound effects for the snakes, and boring as hell locations ruin what could have been a cool movie about dragons kicking ass.

Score:

Babes of Gaming: Tifa Lockhart

Designed by Tetsuya Nomura, Tifa Lockhart is considered to be one of the hottest and toughest Final Fantasy babes of all time. She joined Cloud’s party early on in Final Fantasy VII and was the only human character that used martial arts to defeat her foes. She competed with Aerith for Cloud’s heart, and won him in the end. Maybe Aerith’s death had something to do with it.

Her design was pretty simple, but her massive boobs left a big impact on gamers, and many girl gamers wanted to be like her. I’m not being sexist, just take a look at all the Tifa cosplayers around the world.

Tifa owned a bar called 7th Heaven, because it was located in Midgar’s Sector 7. It also served as a secret hideout for the anti-Shinra resistance group, Avalanche. It was here that Tifa reunited with Cloud after seven years since Sephiroth’s attack and massacre in their home town of Nibelheim.

The hot ass-kicking waitress has also appeared in the 1998 arcade and PlayStation One Namco fighting game Ehrgeiz as a playable character, in an odd Japan-only board game called Itadaki Street for the PS2 and PSP, and had a small cameo role in 2005’s Kingdom Hearts II. You can also enjoy her in the computer-animated film Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, where she helps Cloud accept his past and enjoy his present, as well as taking care of sick kids infected by the geostigma plague. Here she has an awesome fight with Loz, one of the three main bad guys of the film.

Weekend Box Office Report: Feb 8-10

Not a very exciting week for movie-lovers. Fool’s Gold stars Mathew McConaughey and Kate Hudson, who search for sunken treasure in the Caribbean and they seem to have found it at the box office as well. The other new movie is Martin Lawrence’s comedy Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins and it had to settle with second place. I’m still amazed that Juno’s budget was about $7 million and it has made over $117 million, and counting.

1. Fool’s Gold
This week: $22,010,000
Total: $22,010,000

2. Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
This week: $17,127,000
Total: $17,127,000

3. Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour
This week: $10,508,000
Total: $53,390,000

4. The Eye
This week: $6,630,000 - Total: $21,521,000

5. Juno
This week: $5,725,000 - Total: $117,630,000

6. 27 Dresses
This week: $5,700,000 - Total: $65,369,000

7. The Bucket List
This week: $5,340,000 - Total: $75,058,000

8. Rambo
This week: $4,110,000 - Total: $36,504,000

9. Meet the Spartans
This week: $4,075,000 - Total: $33,915,000

10. There Will Be Blood
This week: $4,073,000 - Total: $26,782,000

Movie Review: Cast Away

Starring:
Tom Hanks, Helen Hunt, Valerie Wildman, Geoffrey Blake, Jenifer Lewis, Chris North, Nick Searcy, Lari White

Director:
Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future, Forrest Gump)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual content and language.

Release Date:
December 2000

Synopsis:
After Federal Express systems engineer Chuck Noland's plane crashes in the Pacific Ocean, he finds himself fighting to survive on a deserted island with nothing but a painted volleyball for company.

My Two Cents:
The idea of watching a two-and-a-half hour film about a guy trapped on a deserted island doesn’t immediately scream awesomeness, but there’s something about how Robert Zemeckis directs and Tom Hanks performs that makes it so compelling you won’t want to stop watching. Not even to go to the bathroom. You’ve probably seen the movie by now, and you know how it ends so I won’t worry about spoilers.

Chuck Noland (Hanks) find himself trapped in a small, lifeless island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean with nothing but the clothes he had when his plane crashed and a few Fed Ex packages that drifted ashore. The island is very small and has no food source, except for coconuts. No even birds fly by. There are some crabs and fish near the shore, but that’s about it. He’s no survival expert so he can’t even make fire to cook the damn crabs. For about 1:40 there is no dialog in the movie, only Chuck talking to himself and to a volleyball he names Wilson. The only thing he has from his home is a picture of his girlfriend, Kelly, who he loves dearly. He was enjoying the holidays with her before taking the flight which ultimately ruined his life.

Four years go by and Chuck can’t stand it any longer. He builds a raft and sets sail into the unknown, with his buddy Wilson of course. With no food and very little fresh water, he basically goes into the open sea to die. Better die braving it on the ocean than staying on that stinking island for the rest of his life.

When he’s rescued by a cargo freighter his nightmare is finally over. He goes back to Memphis, where the love of his life had been waiting for him but 4 years don’t happen in vain. She has formed a new family and moved on with her life. This is understandable, but still sucks because the thought of seeing Kelly again is what kept him fighting and surviving. Life’s a bitch, isn’t it?



During the time spent on the island there is absolutely no music, just ambient sounds and Hank’s crazy talk with Wilson. This was done to emphasize that he was very far away from civilization. Like I mentioned above, production on the movie was halted for a full year to give Hanks time to lose weight, in order to make the film as realistic as possible. The visual effects were used to create one of the most isolated environments imaginable.

Tom Hanks gave another Oscar-worthy performance, and was nominated for it. He also had to drop 50 pounds and grow out his beard for one year. That’s crazy, but he did it and it payed off. Few actors can accomplish this sort of conviction for one role. The result is a masterpiece of moviemaking at the hands of a talented director, actors and screenwriters.

Score:

Street Fighter IV Official Art

Capcom has shared some new screenshots and official game art from Street Fighter IV with Japanese weekly magazine Famitsu, and since I love both Street Fighter and video game art so much I wanted to show them here. All 8 original playable characters from Street Fighter II: The World Warrior are back and look tougher than ever, probably because they seem to be made out of rocks. They are joined by newcomer Crimson Viper, an odd-looking chick in a business suit and yellow sunglasses. This new art style takes a while to get used to, but I’m digging it. As long as the game is balanced, plays as fast and furious as SFII Turbo and the fighting engine is as deep as SFIII I’ll be perfectly happy with Street Fighter IV, even if it's not in 2D.

Movie Review: Juno

Starring:
Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, Allison Janney, J.K. Simmons, Olivia Thirlby

Director:
Jason Reitman (Thank You For Not Smoking)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual content and language.

Release Date:
December 2007

Synopsis:
Facing an unplanned pregnancy, worldly teen Juno devises a plan to locate the proverbial perfect parents to adopt her baby. Now, everyone in Juno's world must do a little soul-searching.

My Two Cents:
George Carlin once said anything can be funny, even rape. He then said “imagine Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig” and the crowd erupted in laughter. Teen pregnancy is not a laughing matter, and it’s so common most people don’t really give a shit unless it happens in their family, but Juno deals with the problem in the best way it can, through witty comedy.

I admit I only saw Juno because of the Oscar buzz and overwhelmingly positive reviews. Normally I’m not interested in feel-good chick flicks, but I’m glad I watched this one. Everyone knows having a child is not easy, but having it at the tender age of 16 only adds to the tension and anxiety. Juno decides to give the baby up for adoption rather than having an abortion. Not that she didn’t consider it. Once she chose the perfect adoptive parents she goes on with her life, not really worrying about anything.

The screenplay is really good, but what brings Juno to life are the actors. Whoever was responsible for the casting deserves an award. Ellen Page (X-Men: The Last Stand) gives a truly breakthrough performance as Juno, worthy of an Academy Award, but the rest of the cast is just as charming and funny. The whole movie is quite funny, with some of the wittiest one-liners that demand to be made into T-shirts. No one really talks like that, but I really wish they did. It’s refreshing to watch such a charming and funny movie that doesn’t rely on tired physical comedy like so many others.



Also worth mentioning is the soundtrack. Not only are there heaps of musical references made by rock-loving Juno and the adoptive father of her baby, but there are tons of music tracks throughout the whole movie. Not all artists are well-known, but sound great.

So there you have it. A low budget independent film with a touching, optimistic and compelling story, funny and sarcastic dialog, excellent acting, and a fun soundtrack. And it was written by a former cock-gobbling stripper, Diablo Cody. Way to go, ho!

Score:

Owned!

I'm sure Darth Vader could use the Force with his feet, if he had feet, but Anakin relied mostly on his right arm for his lightsaber fighting. Count Dooku had no problem cutting it off due to Anakin's recklessness. It sucked, but at least he got to wear a cool black glove afterwards.

Movie Review: American Psycho

Starring:
Christian Bale, Reese Witherspoon, Jared Leto, Josh Lucas, Samantha Mathis, Bill Sage, Willem Defoe, Matt Ross

Director:
Mary Harron (I Shot Andy Warhol)

MPAA Rating:
R for strong violence, sexuality, drug use and language.

Release Date:
April 2000

Synopsis:
With a chiseled chin and an iron physique, Patrick Bateman's looks make him the ideal yuppie, and the ideal serial killer. Bateman takes pathological pride in everything from his business card to his music CD collection, all the while plotting his next victim's demise.

My Two Cents:
Christian Bale plays the role of Patrick Bateman, a self-absorbed, narcissistic, status-obsessed yuppie with homicidal tendencies. He’s 27, unmarried, takes care of his skin, is incredibly fit and well-groomed, is liked by the ladies and has a shitload of money, but none of this satisfies him more than killing people. He has been killing bums and hookers at night, but slowly loses control over his desire and gets careless, killing more and more people and not even covering up the evidence properly. He has no self-preservation instinct anymore and maybe even wants to be caught. When he kills one of his co-workers out of sheer envy he gets Detective Donald Kimball (Willem Defoe) on his tail, who suspects him of the murder. All of Bateman’s “friends” are as self-absorbed as he is and don’t even realize he is criminally insane.

Patrick Bateman is one sick fuck, but Christian Bale’s performance is so good I kind of wanted to see how far he could go on his killing spree before getting caught. He does odd things like send his bloody sheets to the laundry and even drags a bloody duffel bag with a corpse inside in front of his condo’s security guard and other people, and they don’t seem to notice. It’s like people don’t see what he’s doing, or perhaps he isn’t really killing anybody and it’s all in his imagination. It’s never really clear if he’s indeed murdering people or not. At one point an ATM machine tells him to insert a cat instead of his card, and he also blows up a police car with a single gunshot. When this happens he seems really surprised like he doesn’t truly know if it happened or not. Regardless, it isn’t the real point of the movie.



I found myself laughing quite a few times, not what I expected from a movie about a serial killer. Not that there aren’t horrible scenes of violence, but even those scenes are not as graphic as your regular horror film. It’s all handled in an artistic way by director Mary Harron. The sex scenes are a bit more graphic, but this isn’t porn or anything.

You could say the movie’s message is that people and societies with a superiority complex want to destroy anyone who’s inferior, and in Patrick Bateman’s case it literally means to kill them. Any movie that makes you want to discuss it with others is worth watching, and I’ll be talking about American Psycho for a while.

Score:

Cool Collectibles: Alien Queen 1/4 Scale Bust

This massive and monstrous Alien Queen bust by Sideshow Collectibles was made in conjunction with Stan Winston Studios’ John Rosengrant, one of the key artists that worked on the Queen for the Aliens movie. This thing is almost 2 feet in height, width and diameter and sells for about $945. It was released almost 3 years ago but you may still be able to purchase it from Sideshow Collectibles’ website or eBay.