2007 Spike TV's Video Game Awards Winners

Awards shows usually suck and I don’t watch them, but it’s kind of neat that Spike TV supports and recognizes the video game industry with it’s own Oscar-like event, the Video Game Awards. This year’s show was aired last night, and in case you didn’t watch it here are the winners and nominees.

Best Shooter: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

BioShock

Halo 3

The Orange Box

Best Action Game: Super Mario Galaxy

Assassin's Creed

God of War 2

Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction

Best Rhythm Game: Rock Band

Guitar Hero Encore: Rock the 80s

Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

Jam Sessions

Best RPG: Mass Effect

Eternal Sonata

Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions

Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3

Best Driving Game: DiRT

Forza Motorsport 2

Need for Speed ProStreet

Project Gotham Racing 4

Best Military Game: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas

World in Conflict

Studio of the Year: Harmonix

Bungie Studios

Irrational Games

Valve

Best Graphics: Crysis

BioShock

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Mass Effect

Breakthrough Technology: Portal

Crysis

Halo 3

Rock Band

Best PC Game: The Orange Box

BioShock

Crysis

World in Conflict

Best Individual Sports Game: Skate

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08

Tony Hawk's Proving Ground

Virtua Tennis 3

Best Team Sports Game: Madden NFL 08

NBA 2K8

NHL 08

Winning Eleven: Pro Evolution Soccer 2007

Best Handheld Game: The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions

Syphon Filter: Logan's Shadow

Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords

Best Game Based on a Movie or TV Show: The Simpsons Game

The Lord of the Rings: Shadows of Angmar

Naruto: Rise of a Ninja

Stranglehold

Best Soundtrack: Rock Band

BioShock

Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

Tony Hawk's Proving Ground

Best Original Score: BioShock

God of War 2

Halo 3

Mass Effect

Best Multiplayer Game: Halo 3

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Rock Band

The Orange Box

Most Addictive Game Fueled by Dew: Halo 3

Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

Team Fortress 2

Wii Sports

Best PS3 Game: Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction

Heavenly Sword

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

Warhawk

Best Xbox 360 Game: BioShock

Halo 3

Mass Effect

The Orange Box

Best Wii Game: Super Mario Galaxy

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Super Paper Mario

Game of the Year: BioShock

Halo 3

Mass Effect

The Orange Box

As you can see, Halo 3 got owned in the Xbox 360 Game of the Year and Overall Game of the Year awards by the less-hyped BioShock. It sucks balls that Super Mario Galaxy wasn’t even nominated for Game of the Year. This, my friends, is why awards shows blow. You never know if big game companies like EA buy them out, or if the judges are stoned.

Movie Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Starring:
Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Andre Braugher, Laurence Fishburne

Director:
Tim Story (Barbershop, Taxi)

MPAA Rating:
PG for sequences of action violence, some mild language and innuendo.

Release Date:
June 2007

Synopsis:
The Fantastic Four battle the Silver Surfer, a strange alien being who travels the Earth preparing it for total destruction at the hands of his master.

My Two Cents (Spoilers):
Comic book movies have always been popular, and almost every superhero out there has his own movie, like Daredevil, Hellboy and Ghost Rider. It was only a matter of time before someone came up with a Silver Surfer movie, but since his first appearance was in the Fantastic Four comics, they couldn’t make him the main star. That’s probably why he doesn’t truly shine in Rise of the Silver Surfer, because he’s not the main dish.

Most Marvel fans know that the Silver Surfer travels the universe looking for yummy planets for his master, Galactus, to devour. That’s all he does. The Surfer visits a planet and if it seems worthy then Galactus absorbs all its energy, and the cycle repeats. Galactus is a being of god-like powers, and the Silver Surfer only works for him in exchange of him sparing his home world. What you must understand is that Galactus is a super being of immeasurable power that no one can stop.

Back on Earth, the Fantastic Four are trying to get used to the fame and fortune of being, well, fantastic. They’ve all perfected their powers and seem to be doing fine, saving kittens stuck on trees and helping old ladies cross the street. Now out of nowhere a flying silver man comes surfing from space and starts wrecking havoc on Earth with alien technology. Oceans freeze, snow falls on deserts, and Jessica Alba’s eyes turn the fakest shade of blue. The FF (Fantastic Four… duh) don’t know it, but Galactus is coming to Earth in 8 days. Holy shit! Just think about this for a moment. You’re watching a movie where Galactus is coming to eat our world. Isn’t that the best possible way to go? Pure awesomeness!

Everything I’ve said, or wrote, so far sounds like a sweet movie plot, and it is, but the execution is all wrong. We’ve barely seen the FF do anything fantastic because in the first film they were just learning how to use their abilities. They faced and defeated Dr. Doom, but that’s it. What else have they done? We’ve barely seen the FF do anything and now they’re going to stop an invincible alien invader? It’s ridiculous.

Thanks to Reed Richard’s intelligence he creates a device that emits a pulse capable of detaching the Silver Surfer from his board, thus rendering him powerless. For no reason at all Dr. Doom has been freed from his prison in Latveria and has joined the FF in their quest to stop the Surfer. What the hell? Didn’t Doom try to kill everyone in the first film? Right… Anyway, when the Surfer is captured, Dr. Doom takes his board and goes on a killing spree. Actually, that’s what I would have liked to see, but since this is a PG film he only destroys the Great Wall of China and some mountains. Stupid family movie stuff. I admit the few scenes of Dr. Doom surfing and blowing stuff up are my favorite because the effects are pretty sweet.

When the FF learn of Galactus’ existence they free Silver Surfer and go in search of Dr. Doom. But Sue is killed, and there’s only one person who can stop Doom now. No, not the Surfer, but the Human Torch. Why? Because apparently he is the main character of this movie. Forget Reed’s intelligence or the alien surfer from beyond, no, it’s Johnny who gets the most screen time here. He was the first one to come in contact with the Silver Surfer and for whatever reason he gains the ability to absorb the powers of his friends. So, when Doom goes apeshit in China, Johnny absorbs everyone’s powers and defeats Dr. Doom by himself. That’s bullshit, I know.



So now the Silver Surfer regains his board and decides to confront Galactus. Finally, this is what I’ve been waiting for the whole time, to see Galactus in all his majesty. But wait, what the fuck is this? When Silver Surfer exits the Earth’s atmosphere he confronts a giant, shapeless fart cloud. Oh my God… is that supposed to be Galactus? Fuck you Tim Story! Fuck you 20th Century Fox! Goddamit. Why waste the ONLY chance to have Galactus in a movie by turning him into space manure? Think of how cool this could have been. Having his massive shadow slowly cover the world. His gigantic helmet looming over the horizon. His deep, angry voice causing earthquakes. Oh man… fuck this shit.

Overall the film’s not bad and might entertain you. Weta Workshop, the team responsible for The Lord of The Rings special effects, created a very cool-looking Surfer. Everyone’s powers look fine, except Reed Richard’s, which look too cartoony and fake. Seeing Dr. Doom again was kind of nice, but nothing we hadn’t seen before. Johnny provides most of the humor, but don’t expect too much as this is a PG-rated film. Laurence Fishburne is the voice of the Silver Surfer, and as cool as it is I couldn’t stop thinking about Morpheus.

It’s just too bad the mighty Galactus was reduced to feces, even though it is barely hinted that behind the poop cloud lies the Galactus we all know and love, but why tease us like that? Also, the Silver Surfer doesn’t do much here and comes off as a very cold and heartless guy. They try to change this near the end but it didn’t work for me, as the true reason for his coldness is that Galactus has manipulated his very soul so he doesn’t feel guilt for bringing death to billions of life forms around the universe. This should have been explained in the movie. I don’t think we need a third Fantastic Four movie, but if there is one they better not fuck it up again. Tone down the kiddy humor and bring up the chaos and violence that superhero comics are known for.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Dec 7-9

After two weeks, Disney’s Enchanted has been knocked out of the top spot by New Line Cinema’s The Golden Compass. Although it’s nice to be #1, it sucks that the movie's budget was $180 million and only earned $26 million on it’s opening weekend. I guess nobody cares about polar bears anymore, besides Al Gore. Here’s this week’s top 10 movies:

1. The Golden Compass
This week: $26,125,000

Total: $26,125,000

2. Enchanted
This week: $10,706,000

Total: $83,865,000

3. This Christmas
This week: $5,000,000

Total: $42,760,000

4. Fred Claus
This week: $4,660,000 - Total: $65,589,000

5. Beowulf
This week: $4,400,000 - Total: $75,983,000

6. No Country for Old Men
This week: $4,233,000 - Total: $28,861,000

7. August Rush
This week: $3,525,000 - Total: $25,148,000

8. Hitman
This week: $3,475,000 - Total: $35,810,000

9. Awake
This week: $3,301,000 - Total: $10,716,000

10. Bee Movie
This week: $2,612,000 - Total: $121,028,000

Cool Collectibles: Catwoman Vinyl Statue

Kotobukiya makes some of the best collectible statues, like this one of DC Comic’s Catwoman. She seems ready to rob a bank or sneak into a museum. For reasons unknown she has half of her boobs exposed. My only guess is that if a police officer or security guard spots her they’d be blinded by the boobage and she could get a chance to escape. On her back she has some kind of box, or maybe a laptop. It’s nice to be able to check your e-mail even when stealing diamonds or hiding from Batman. You can buy this statue for about $50.

Super Mario Bros. Frustration

This video is about the NES Super Mario Bros. hack called Frustration. As the name implies, the game is insanely hard, almost impossible to master. Some guy with a funny accent gives a shot at Frustration and gets owned, big time. He walks you through the first two stages with hilarious comments. You probably won't watch all 23 minutes of it, but even the few first minutes are enough to bring happy tears to your eyes. What a fucked up game!

Cosplay: Final Fantasy VIII and X

Here’s sorceress Ultimecia about to strangle Rinoa Heartilly, both from Final Fantasy VIII. They both look great, and I specially like Rinoa’s angel wings. See? Cosplay is not always awful. Hot girls are always welcome here.

Now here we have Tidus, Yuna and Auron from Final Fantasy X. These guys also look pretty cool, with neat costumes that closely resemble those in the game. But, is that Tidus a guy or a girl? I honestly have no idea. Chicks sometimes like to dress as male characters, and Tidus is kind of effeminate-looking, so I guess it’s acceptable. Still gay, though.

Achievement Unlocked!

If you thought only Superman was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, think again. In Casino Royale, Sebastien Foucan can run like the wind, jumping from rooftop to rooftop to avoid being captured by Mr. Bond. It’s one of the coolest on-foot chases I’ve seen in recent years. This scene alone makes the film worth watching, but you might want to stick till the end to see Bond endure some macho ball torture. You know you want to.

Movie Trailer: Speed Racer

The Wachowski brothers (V for Vendetta, The Matrix) have been working hard with producer Joel Silver (The Reaping, House of Wax) to bring us the movie adaptation of old-school racing anime Speed Racer. Although I was never a fan of the show I had been looking forward to this movie, until today when I saw the trailer. Wasn't this movie released years ago with the name Hot Wheels on it? Yeah, I think my 10-year-old nephew has it. Everything looks so fake with lame, plastic, Saturday morning CG effects. If I want unrealistic action I'll watch the anime. I guess its targeted at kids, so I'll just have to deal with it. Speed Racer, um, races to theaters in May 9 2008.

Game Trailer: Grand Theft Auto IV

Those who know me know I don't care about the Grand Theft Auto franchise, but who am I to deny its fans of the new GTAIV trailer? The graphics look pretty bad compared to other recent Xbox 360 and PS3 games. But that probably won't prevent it for selling a gazillion copies if the gameplay lives up to Vice City and San Andreas. Look for it in stores in the second quarter of 2008.

Halo 3 Heroic Map Pack Images

Bungie has released images of the three new maps included in the Heroic Map Pack, to be released on December 11 for 800 Microsoft Points. Here are some details on each map:

This map is the biggest of the three. Modeled after the Crow’s Nest level of the campaign, this big team-inspired map has a wide outer track, intended for Warthog and Mongoose action, that leads to each base. In the center you’ll find multi-layered courtyards, hallways and plenty of rooms.

A middle-sized, symmetrical map with an African theme, perfect for four-on-four Team Objectives. It sports two identical bases separated by a ravine and surrounded by pathways for some vehicular mayhem. Each base has two entrances and a locked third entrance tunnel opened only by activating a switch. There’s a machine gun turret on top of each base to cream any fool running around in the open.

A vast warehouse filled with stairs, boxes, ramps and all sorts of weapons. This map was made with Forge fans in mind, so everything can be moved around, removed or replaced, including the central wall that separates the two bases. Your imagination is the only limit in this map.

If, like me, you want to save your Microsoft Points for Xbox Live Arcade games, you’ll be happy to know the Heroic Map Pack will be offered free of charge as soon as the next Map Pack is ready, which should be sometime in the Spring of 2008.

First Street Fighter IV Screenshot

The guys over at EGM magazine got a hand-on demonstration of Capcom’s Street Fighter IV. Wow, I never thought I’d be typing a “IV” after “Street Fighter”. They have released the first screenshot and a few details on the game. So far only Ryu, Ken, Chun Li and Dhalsim will be returning, and no new fighters have been shown. The game will have 3D polygon graphics, as feared by hardcore fans, but will have 2D gameplay. Hmm, now where have I heard that before… *cough* Street Fighter EX *cough* There will be new special moves and game modes, but it’s all being kept secret for now.

I’m a huge Street Fighter fan, but I’m more than a little worried right now. That screenshot doesn’t do much for me. Why is Ryu so ugly? Maybe his bandana is too tight. And look at his feet! Has he been kicking concrete walls for fun? The art style I’ve seen so far of Ryu and Ken is very different than in past games. They look super bulky, almost fat, like M. Bison in the Alpha series. Still, it’s Street Fighter, and after 8 years since the release of SFIII 3rd Strike I am seriously hungry for some beatings.

Character Profile: Dan Hibiki

The Street Fighter game series is known for its excellent gameplay, perfect controls and awesome characters. Ryu, Chun Li, Sagat, M. Bison and Akuma are just some of the cool and popular characters you can play as. But there’s one character almost no one ever chooses. I’m talking of course about Dan Hibiki.

Dan is probably the cockiest, most overconfident warrior in the world, but is also the weakest. Capcom made sure Dan sucked big time because he is meant to be a parody of Ryo Sakasaki and Robert Garcia from the Art of Fighting series. You see, Ryo looks way too similar to Ken, with the karate gi and even special moves, and the name Ryo is almost like Ryu. So, in a funny retaliation to SNK’s imitation, Capcom made Dan, the weakest, lamest fighter ever. He has Ryo’s clothes and Robert’s face, complete with the pony tail. He was given the color pink because there really isn’t a gayest color for a fighter.

His story is almost as pathetic as he is. Many years ago Dan’s father, Go Hibiki, fought Sagat and managed to gouge his eye. Sagat killed Go for this and Dan has been searching for him ever since. Dan trained with Gouken, Ryu and Ken’s master, but was expelled from his dojo when he learned of Dan’s vengeful motivations for fighting. Dan had no choice but to create his own martial arts style called Saikyo-ryuu, meaning “the strongest style”.

Dan’s attacks are a joke and his special attacks, although inspired by Ryu and Ken’s, are a waste of time and effort. His projectile attack, the Gadouken, doesn’t travel farther than two inches from his first. It’s super lame! His answer to the Hurricane Kick, the Dankukyaku is awkward and easily blocked. His Koryuken, similar to the Shoryuken, is less crappy but not nearly as effective and just looks lame. He has an extra original move where he autographs on a portrait and flings it at his opponent. His super moves are all equally pathetic.

It is rumored that when Dan finally met Sagat and challenged him to a deathmatch, Sagat felt pity for him and threw the fight. Dan felt complete and changed his focus to perfecting the Saikyo style and opening his own dojo. He is good friends with Blanka and trained Sakura during the events of Street Fighter Alpha 3.

I hated Dan at first because he didn’t fit well with the other world warriors introduced in Street Fighter Alpha, but he’s just so ridiculous there was no way of resisting his charms. The ultimate satisfaction you can accomplish is playing as Dan and beating your friends while they play as Shin Akuma, or any other tough character. You get extra bragging rights if you manage to pull off his level 3 super taunt and still win the fight. By the way, that move leaves you vulnerable for about 5 seconds, so it shouldn’t be done, ever, but it is hilarious.

Movie Trailer: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Check out the new Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian trailer released today. I had almost forgotten about this movie. The first one was suprisingly good, and this one looks to follow the same path. The four original young actors will reprise their roles and the same top-notch special effects from ILM will also make a come back.

Ray Park Will Play Snake Eyes in G.I. Joe Movie

/Film has revealed another official casting from the G.I. Joe movie. Ray Park (Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, X-Men) will play the enigmatic ninja master Snake Eyes. Little is known about the mute U.S. Army Sergeant First Class, and the mystery is one of the reasons he's my favorite G.I. Joe character. He simply gets the job way in the most kick-ass way, either with his hand-to-hand skills or ninja weapon mastery.

Ray Park is a Shaolin Kung Fu expert and will no doubt do a great job of playing Snake Eyes. The movie has an August 7 2009 release date.

Wii Virtual Console Review: Air Zonk

Developer: Red
Publisher: Hudson Soft
Console: TurboGrafx 16
Release Date: 1992

The Story
One night, Zonk was followed by a mysterious woman as he entered a night club. She told him she could arrange a meeting with the one he had been looking for. Bonk then wakes up in the real world, where machines have taken over the world by enslaving humanity! Yes, that’s the plot of The Matrix, but since Air Zonk has absolutely no story it might as well be that one.

Gameplay
File this under side-scrolling shooters. You move Bonk, err, I mean Zonk, in any direction, avoiding enemy fire while shooting everything that moves that doesn’t have your face on it. He is in constant flight, so there’s no walking or jumping around, just flying to the right. Your standard weapon is boogers. No, really, he shoots green mucus from either his eyes or mouth. I can’t tell because there are no animations for this move. Green snot balls just appear in front of your face. Power-ups include smiley faces and crystal jars full of shit. Sometimes the shit inside the jar resembles a piece of dinosaur meat, sometimes it looks like your face, and it could also look like a smiley face with your shades on them. These super lame power-ups can make you shoot rotating lightning bolts that cover an area smaller than your head’s, rocket punches, laser beams from your mouth, boomerang scissors and other stupid shit. The best/worst power-up is the one that summons one of your friends. Yeah, Zonk has friends, and plenty of them. One looks like a small, round, swollen, cow that shoots missiles. One looks like a cat that barks and fires missiles. Another one looks like a sea urchin-man, and he likes to shoot missiles. If your friends get hit too much they will leave you, just like real-life friends, but if you manage to hold on to them long enough they will merge with you, forming ungodly abominations such as a cat that barks.

There are five levels, each with two stages and bosses. I didn’t find the game to be too challenging because you get plenty extra lives by achieving a high score. Regular enemies are stupid and have predictable patterns and you can kill some bosses by staying right in the middle of the screen hitting the fire button like a madman.



Graphics
Imagine smearing shit all over a pile of elephant vomit and you’ll have an idea of what Air Zonk looks like. For a 16-bit console the graphics sure look very 0-bit. Everything is very colorful and I guess that’s cool, but every character looks like ass, especially your so called friends. The bosses are some of the crappiest ever. UFO’s with eyes, space crabs, a trash bag that looks like Pizza the Hutt, and a four-armed foot-ball playing eagle that looks like a snake. Don’t try imagining them because your imagination is way cooler than the character designer’s. Did I mention Zonk looks like a cross between Bonk and Astro Boy? It’s sad the designers couldn’t even come up with an original-looking hero. *yawn*



Sound
There’s sound? Oh yeah, the music. It’s not terrible but when everything else is so bad, who gives a shit? You’ll forget all about it even while playing it.

Replay Value
I’d say there is no replay value, but chances are you won’t see every one of Zonk’s friends in one game, so you might want to play again to see them all if you are into sadomasochism.



Final Thoughts
How hard could it be to make a side-scrolling shooter? Throw in a few power-ups that actually enhance your regular weapon, have big, cool bosses and add a goddam two player mode. That’s pretty much it. The last boss, King Drool, says he’ll be back at the end, but I won’t be playing any other game with the word Zonk in it, ever. Only play this game if a friend pays for it, and if he or she is stupid enough to buy this, then that’s a good sign you should be looking for a new friend.

Score

Batman's New Suit for The Dark Knight

It's beginning to look like Christmas, because more cool images of The Dark Knight are showing up on the Internet. Three days ago I posted some new Joker photos and now here's one of Christian Bale in his new Batman costume, and another one of The Joker just for fun. Batman's suit looks cool, but reminds me of the Batman & Robin ones and that is not a good thing. At least there are no bat nipples.

Movie Review: I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

Starring:
Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Jessica Biel, Ving Rhames, Dan Aykroyd, Steve Buscemi, Rob Schneider, Nick Swardson

Director:
Dennis Dugan (Happy Gilmore, Problem Child)

Release Date:
July 20 2007

Synopsis:
Firefighters Chuck Ford and Larry Allensworth are guy's guys, loyal to the core, which is why when widower Larry asks Chuck to pose as his gay lover so that he can get domestic partner benefits for his kids, his buddy agrees. Things get dicey, however, when a bureaucrat comes calling, and the boys are forced to present a picture of domestic bliss.

My Two Cents:
I’ve been an Adam Sandler fan since his Saturday Night Live days and have enjoyed most of his films, from Billy Madison to Click. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is not his funniest, but it’s funny enough to enjoy on a boring Sunday evening.

The gay jokes never stop, for a single second, but oddly enough the true message of the movie is to treat others with respect and equality. Before pretending to be a gay couple both Chuck and Larry made fun of homosexuals, with Chuck even making fun of Larry’s effeminate son. He’s into stage acting, tap dancing and has a thing for splits. When they are the ones targeted by fellow firefighters, anti-gay activists and pretty much everyone else, they finally understand everyone’s feelings are the same regardless of their sexuality.



Jessica Biel plays Chuck and Larry’s foxy lawyer and Chuck’s love interest, Rob Schneider plays a Japanese minister, Nick Swardson plays the fruity brother of Jessica Biel, Dan Aykroyd plays the NYFD’s captain, Steve Buscemi plays an annoying beneficiary office inspector, Ving Rhames plays a scary newcomer to the firefighter team and Blake Clark plays a crazy homeless man. There are quite a few funny moments and awkward situations, with Ving Rhames’ character stealing the show in a very funny shower scene at the fire department. Kevin James is likeable and very funny, just as he was in Hitch. I hope he pairs up with Adam again in future projects. Cameos include David Spades (Joe Dirt), Rob Corddry (The Daily Show), Rachel Dratch (SNL), Dave Matthews, Dan Patrick, Lance Bass (N-Sync), Tila Tequila, among others.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Nov 30 - Dec 2

For the second week in a row, Disney’s Enchanted has captivated audiences with its magical charm, earning twice as much as the #2 movie, This Christmas. Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba’s thriller, Awake, had a craptastic debut at #4.

1. Enchanted
This week: $17,023,000 - Total: $70,620,000

2. This Christmas
This week: $8,400,000 - Total: $36,891,000

3. Beowulf
This week: $7,882,000 - Total: $68,613,000

4. Awake
This week: $6,011,000 - Total: $6,011,000

5. Hitman
This week: $5,800,000 - Total: $30,204,000

6. Fred Claus
This week: $5,500,000 - Total: $59,783,000

7. August Rush
This week: $5,150,000 - Total: $20,354,000

8. No Country for Old Men
This week: $4,501,000 - Total: $23,030,000

9. Bee Movie
This week: $4,471,000 - Total: $117,643,000

10. American Gangster
This week: $4,278,000 - Total: $121,732,000

Super Metroid Commercials

Check out this awesome Japanese Super Metroid TV commercial from 1994 with a live-action reenactment of the game's intro. Game ads are rarely this cool.

Here is the American commercial for Super Metroid. They traded coolness for humor and much more gameplay footage. I guess it's not bad, but the Japanese one has freaking live-action Samus! The dog's scared shitless face at the end is priceless, though.

Game Review: Super Mario Galaxy

Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo
Console: Nintendo Wii
Release Date: November 2007

The Story
Every one hundred years a comet flies over the Mushroom Kingdom and Princess Peach is throwing the biggest festival of the century in order to celebrate the occasion. Just as Mario arrives at the party, Bowser attacks the castle with countless battleships and a giant flying saucer. He takes the whole castle into space, along with Mario, but he is attacked by a Magikoopa and falls off. Mario is rescued by Luma, a magical star being, and is taken to Rosalina, watcher of the cosmos. Bowser stole Power Stars from Rosalina and wants to create his own new galaxy of pure chaos, where he will force Peach to be his sex slave. It’s up to Mario to find the stolen stars, rescue Princess Peach and restore order to the universe.

Gameplay
Space is the final frontier, and although this is not the first time Mario has been to space, it sure is the wildest ride he’s ever been on. Instead of regular levels you play on little planets. Most of them are round and you can walk in any direction without fear of falling off. Others are flat but you can also walk under them and not fall, as long as there are no black holes around. It feels weird and frightening at first, but it becomes perfectly normal by the second galaxy you visit. You travel from planet to planet by either jumping on them or using Launch Stars. These stars are usually hidden and require you to defeat every enemy on the planet or find little star pieces scattered around. Three hits and you’re a goner, but there’s a Super Mushroom power-up that gives you six units of health. Coins fill your life bar, and you can get coins by stomping enemies or breaking boxes and other breakable objects. Shaking the Wii remote makes you do a spin attack that also lets you get a bit higher if performed at the top of a jump. You’ll be using this technique constantly. Spinning into enemies will produce Star Bits. Collect 50 and you get a 1UP. Star Bits can be used to “purchase” access to new planets as well as shooting them at enemies to stun them. There are an infinite number of Star Bits through the game, so don’t be a greedy bastard and use them.

All the jumps you could do on Super Mario 64 or Super Mario Sunshine you can do in Galaxy. Triple jumps, backflips, wall jumps, butt stomps, long jumps, etc. You can also climb poles, swing on vines, spring on trampolines, swim, walk while ducking, shimmy across narrow edges, hold on to ledges, grab turtle shells, and go down pipes.

Every new Mario game brings new power-ups, and Galaxy has some of the coolest. First up is the Bee Mushroom that turns Mario into a bee. You can hover around for a limited time and stick to some walls. It’s cute and effective. There’s a Ghost Mushroom that turns Mario into a Boo. You can fly and turn invisible to pass through some walls. There’s a Spring Mushroom that wraps a coil around Mario making him jump incredibly high, but moving around in that bouncy thing is a bitch. There’s the awesome Ice Flower power-up that turns you into Ice Mario, capable of skating on frigid waters that would normally hurt you, but only for a limited time. You can also freeze fountain water to reach higher placer. Finally, there’s a red star you’ll only get near the end of your adventure that lets you fly. It’s pretty useless since by the time you are able to use it you’ll have most Power Stars already, but it’s really fun to fly around and relax.



Returning power ups include the always fun Starman, which temporarily turns you into Rainbow Mario. You’ll be invincible for a while, changing colors and running twice as fast while that familiar music plays. It’s great. And for the first time in a 3D Mario game you can use the Fire Flower. You’ll be able to toss fireballs by shaking the Wii remote, but it only lasts a few seconds.

Bosses are a real treat because they are usually huge and require you to find a weak spot and memorize a pattern to exploit it. It’s a bit lame that some bosses are recycled in later galaxies, but they return tougher and meaner so I guess that’s OK.

From time to time you’ll travel to a galaxy that has a huge comet over it. Those are called Prank Comets, and as the name implies they are tricky motherfuckers. Depending on the color you’ll get a different challenge, like racing an evil doppelganger Mario, finishing a section of a galaxy within a very short time limit, beating a boss without taking damage, or collecting 100 purple coins in a single area. The Purple Comets are some of the most frustrating challenges in any Mario game. Every Prank Comet you complete gives you a Power Star, so as hard as they are you’ll eventually have to clear them all if you want access to every galaxy in the game.

Graphics
It pisses me off so much that Nintendo didn’t give the Wii next-generation graphics with high definition support. As beautiful as Super Mario Galaxy is it’s a shame it doesn’t look better than anything on the GameCube. But don’t get me wrong, everything about the game looks fantastic. It has true widescreen support, unlike the half-assed Mario Party 8 which tricked us by putting crappy borders at the sides to fill the screen. Mario looks as good as he did in Sunshine. The planets are as detailed as possible, but many textures look blurry, as in every other Wii game. Water looks really nice, Mario leaves footprints on the sand, see-through glass surfaces look and shine realistically, lava areas have that hot wavy effect, and clouds look fluffy enough to take a quick nap on. The greatest graphical update is enjoyed by Bowser, who’s polygon model and facial animation is the best I’ve seen in any Mario game to date.

Sound
The music is as bouncy and cheerful as it’s ever been. Some music is familiar, like Starman’s theme, the underground levels from the original Super Mario Bros., and Bowser’s castle from Super Mario 64, but most is brand new and pretty catchy. My favorite is the water galaxies theme. The main hub area has a great, relaxing orchestral track that should return in future installments.



The sound effects are awesome, with familiar sounds for collecting coins, getting 1UPs and going down pipes. Enemies scream and moan when beaten and ambient sounds like wind and water add realism to an otherwise surreal experience. As you’d expect, Mario brings back all his charming woo-hoos and yee-haws.

Replay Value
The game records how many Star Bits and coins you collected on each stage so you can challenge your friends, or yourself, and beat each other’s score. You can beat the game with 60-something stars, but hardcore Mario fans will go hunt for all 241 stars. Yes, you read correctly, 241. After you collect 120 stars and beat Bowser you will unlock Luigi as a playable character. Go through the whole game again with Luigi and get another 120 stars. Then you will unlock the final star if you collect 100 purple coins outside Peach’s castle. Sounds tough? It’s ridiculously tough! That’s because Luigi’s controls are a bitch! He runs way too fast and doesn’t immediately stop running when you let go of the control stick, so you’ll be falling to your doom a lot even on the easier galaxies. He does jump higher than Mario, so that’s good. At least Nintendo didn’t forget about the green Mario Brother.

Final Thoughts
There’s always something to complain about but none of the small nitpicks will prevent you from having a total blast playing this fantastic game. Some of the levels seem to have been designed by the devil and appear impossible to complete, but practice makes perfect. A lengthy adventure with fun power-ups, tough challenges, excellent controls, catchy music, a two-player co-op more where player two helps you gather Star Bits with the Wii remote’s cursor, playing as Luigi, and memorable boss fights. What more could you ask for? Shigeru Miyamoto truly is the best game designer, ever. Buy this game!

Score

Justice League of America Castings

There have been many rumors regarding the castings of the upcoming Justice League of America movie, but at least some of these rumors can be put to rest because a few of the main superheroes have been officially casted.


Scott Palmer (Descent, Music & Lyrics) will play the man of steel, Superman, also known as Clark Kent.

Australian supermodel Megan Gale (Stealth, Stregati Dalla Luna) will be playing Amazon Princess Diana of Themyscira, also known as Wonder Woman. She’s got nude pictures on her calendar. Google away!

Rapper turned actor, Common (Smokin’ Aces, American Gangster), will play John Stewart, also known as the Green Lantern.

Arnie Hammer (Flicka, Blackout) will play the Dark Knight, Batman, also known as Bruce Wayne.

Adam Brody (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, American Pie 2) will play the speedy Wally West, also known as The Flash.

I’m not sure this movie is a good idea because too many characters at once is always a recipe for disaster. Remember Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation? Exactly. It has a 2010 release date so there’s still time to work on it. Hopefully it won’t suck pig balls.

Heath Ledger as The Joker

At the end of Batman Begins, Commissioner Gordon tells Batman there’s a new madman in town who leaves Joker cards at his crime scenes. Want to guess who that madman is? If you don’t know please leave this website right now.

We’ve known for a while that actor Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain, The Patriot) was cast as the insane mass-murdering clown and Batman nemesis The Joker, but only recently have pictures of him in full costume have emerged. Is his face horribly disfigured or does he apply his own make-up to look repulsive and creepy? Whatever the case, he looks seriously fucked up. I can’t wait to see more. The Dark Knight is set to be released on July 18 2008.

Movie Review: Paprika

Starring:
Megumi Hayashibara, Toru Furuya, Akio Otsuka, Katsunosuke Hori, Koichi Yamadera, Toru Emori

Director:
Satoshi Kon (Perfect Blue, Tokyo Godfathers)

Release Date:
November 2006

Synopsis:
Reality and the dream world are on a collision course after an experimental device that can record dreams is stolen from a psychiatric research facility. When the culprit begins intertwining the patients' nightmares with the staff's dreams, it's clear that the device has fallen into dangerous hands. Can Dr. Chiba Atsuko and her alter ego, a sprightly avatar named Paprika, stop the madness?

My Two Cents:
The reason I enjoy anime so much is because the Japanese writers and artists are not afraid of producing complex, state-of-the-art animated movies targeted for adults. When was the last time you saw an R-rated Disney movie? While Japan gets Akira and Ghost in the Shell we keep getting kiddy stuff like FernGully and Rugrats in Paris. Someone not used to anime or who has only watched Pokémon might find Paprika to be a complete mess of incoherent images and events. But if that’s the case then you should definitely limit yourself to shows with yellow electric rats.

As mentioned above in the synopsis, someone has stolen a few devices called DC Minis that let the user watch and even enter the dreams of their subjects. Dreams can also be recorded on film for further research. These devices were created by morbidly obese genius Tokita Kohsaku for the purpose of helping people with anxiety disorders and other psychological problems. Doctors Chiba Atsuko and Osanai Morio, along with Tokita, are sent by the research facility’s chairman, Inui Sei-jiroh, to find who the thief is and recover the DC Minis. Detective Kogawa Toshimi, one of the few people to go under the DC Mini treatment, lends the doctors a hand, but his main objective is to find the killer of a young man and to solve the mysteries behind his own disturbing nightmares.

During Detective Kogawa’s dream analysis sessions he is aided by Dr. Chiba, a woman with a stern and cold personality, who is the best dream shrink. In the dream world her personality and looks change to a younger, livelier girl that goes by the name of Paprika. She’s cute, sexy and very friendly, completely opposite of Dr. Chiba.

The only person that doesn’t seem to like the DC Mini is the research facility’s chairman. He doesn’t like the idea of people’s privacies being invaded because in the wrong hands that capability could have disastrous results. This makes sense, but why did he authorize the project to begin with? Anyway, his worst fears come true because that’s exactly what happens when the thief starts using the DC Minis to manipulate everyone who ever used the device.

The problem is that no one knows when they make the shift from reality to dreams. Even when strange things start appearing you don’t seem to find it odd enough for it not to be real. And I’m talking about weird shit like a parade of frogs, talking Japanese dolls, empty walking armors, elephants pushing crocodiles in wheelchairs, giant robots, and other ungodly things. You can also die while dreaming because you don’t have to be sleeping in bed for the dreams to start, so you’re sleep-walking into traffic or off the edge of a building. Not cool. Eventually the dreams become so twisted they start merging with reality and literally all hell breaks lose. Most of the times I was lost, not knowing if they were dreaming or not, but the characters themselves didn’t know, so I guess that’s what the director intended.



I can describe Paprika in two words: beautiful chaos. The animation is superb and the colors very vibrant. All the characters are hand drawn and most of the backgrounds are 2D paintings, but there is also some CG work here and there, like in Princess Mononoke, that fits perfectly with the 2D art. The detail in everyone’s face and the expressions they make are better than in most animes where they look stiffer. The dreams, or should I say nightmares, are very imaginative and surreal. I wonder if director Satoshi Kon did LSD in his youth. The colors, man, the colors!

One of my favorite aspects of the film is the soundtrack. If you manage to get your hands on it go straight to the track called “Parade”. That song is the shit and plays during the end credits. Other tracks to look for are “Shizuku Ippai no Kioku”, “Nigeru Mono” (it played during the theatrical trailer), and “Lounge” (also from the trailer).

While there’s nothing wrong with Paprika, it’s not the kind of movie I need to see more than once, at least not for at least a year. It’s fascinating to look at but it gets weird, fast. It’s a sight to behold and I highly recommend it, but a movie that makes me want to watch it again and again, like Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, gets a higher score. Still, anime doesn’t get much better than this.

Score:

Babes of Gaming: Sofia

You might not remember or maybe never heard of Sofia, but during the early days of the original PlayStation this whip-wielding Russian dominatrix was all the rage. She starred in the now defunct 3D fighting game Battle Arena Toshinden, developed by Tamsoft.

Sony knows sex sells, so they used Sofia to marked both the game and the PlayStation, putting her in print ads in all major gaming magazines. It was either her or the ridiculous Polygon Man. Guess which one the fans chose.

There weren’t that many 3D fighting games, or any games in general, to choose from when the PS1 launched, so pretty much everyone either owned or had played Toshinden at a friend’s house. It was far from perfect, but at least the graphics were pretty sweet. Back then Sofia had more polygons on her boobs than other games had in their entirety. She was an instant favorite with her blocky curves and skimpy outfit. This was before well endowed game babes like Kasumi (Dead or Alive) and Ivy (Soul Calibur) were the norm, so Sofia could be considered the grandmother of hotness in fighting games.

Her back-story was almost non-existent and completely forgettable. She was friends with Eiji, another fighter from the game, but was brainwashed by someone and forced to fight him. He beat the shit out of her and then they were friends again and really, who cares? She’s hot, sexy and can kick ass while wearing very high heels. Her boobs were more exposed in each new game in the series and her kicks were higher. For reasons not yet to mankind she was excluded from Toshinden 4’s roster. No wonder that game tanked.

There are rumors that a new Toshinden game will be released for the PlayStation 3, and they better include Sofia. It’ll be great to see how she looks in high-definition.

Owned!

Not even seatbelts could save these four bitches from Stuntman Mike's wrath.