Wii Virtual Console Review: Air Zonk

Developer: Red
Publisher: Hudson Soft
Console: TurboGrafx 16
Release Date: 1992

The Story
One night, Zonk was followed by a mysterious woman as he entered a night club. She told him she could arrange a meeting with the one he had been looking for. Bonk then wakes up in the real world, where machines have taken over the world by enslaving humanity! Yes, that’s the plot of The Matrix, but since Air Zonk has absolutely no story it might as well be that one.

Gameplay
File this under side-scrolling shooters. You move Bonk, err, I mean Zonk, in any direction, avoiding enemy fire while shooting everything that moves that doesn’t have your face on it. He is in constant flight, so there’s no walking or jumping around, just flying to the right. Your standard weapon is boogers. No, really, he shoots green mucus from either his eyes or mouth. I can’t tell because there are no animations for this move. Green snot balls just appear in front of your face. Power-ups include smiley faces and crystal jars full of shit. Sometimes the shit inside the jar resembles a piece of dinosaur meat, sometimes it looks like your face, and it could also look like a smiley face with your shades on them. These super lame power-ups can make you shoot rotating lightning bolts that cover an area smaller than your head’s, rocket punches, laser beams from your mouth, boomerang scissors and other stupid shit. The best/worst power-up is the one that summons one of your friends. Yeah, Zonk has friends, and plenty of them. One looks like a small, round, swollen, cow that shoots missiles. One looks like a cat that barks and fires missiles. Another one looks like a sea urchin-man, and he likes to shoot missiles. If your friends get hit too much they will leave you, just like real-life friends, but if you manage to hold on to them long enough they will merge with you, forming ungodly abominations such as a cat that barks.

There are five levels, each with two stages and bosses. I didn’t find the game to be too challenging because you get plenty extra lives by achieving a high score. Regular enemies are stupid and have predictable patterns and you can kill some bosses by staying right in the middle of the screen hitting the fire button like a madman.



Graphics
Imagine smearing shit all over a pile of elephant vomit and you’ll have an idea of what Air Zonk looks like. For a 16-bit console the graphics sure look very 0-bit. Everything is very colorful and I guess that’s cool, but every character looks like ass, especially your so called friends. The bosses are some of the crappiest ever. UFO’s with eyes, space crabs, a trash bag that looks like Pizza the Hutt, and a four-armed foot-ball playing eagle that looks like a snake. Don’t try imagining them because your imagination is way cooler than the character designer’s. Did I mention Zonk looks like a cross between Bonk and Astro Boy? It’s sad the designers couldn’t even come up with an original-looking hero. *yawn*



Sound
There’s sound? Oh yeah, the music. It’s not terrible but when everything else is so bad, who gives a shit? You’ll forget all about it even while playing it.

Replay Value
I’d say there is no replay value, but chances are you won’t see every one of Zonk’s friends in one game, so you might want to play again to see them all if you are into sadomasochism.



Final Thoughts
How hard could it be to make a side-scrolling shooter? Throw in a few power-ups that actually enhance your regular weapon, have big, cool bosses and add a goddam two player mode. That’s pretty much it. The last boss, King Drool, says he’ll be back at the end, but I won’t be playing any other game with the word Zonk in it, ever. Only play this game if a friend pays for it, and if he or she is stupid enough to buy this, then that’s a good sign you should be looking for a new friend.

Score