Movie Review: The Condemned

Starring:
Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Robert Mammone, Rick Hoffman, Tory Mussett, Christopher Baker, Masa Yamaguchi, Manu Bennett

Director:
Scott Wiper (A Better Way to Die)

MPAA Rating:
R for pervasive strong brutal violence and for language.

Release Date:
April 2007

Synopsis:
While waiting out a death sentence in an infamous Central American prison, hard-boiled convict Jack Conrad is surprised to learn he's been bought by a reality show mogul who wants to cast him in his latest project. His assignment? To join nine other convicted murderers on the shores of a deserted island, where they'll fight to the death for the title of sole survivor.

My Two Cents:
I can’t stand reality shows. Rich bastards finding hooker brides, assholes dancing, spoiled bitches being cunts, etc. But I have to admit, as sick and immoral as it sounds, a reality show about a bunch of dangerous convicts on death row literally fighting for survival against each other on a remote island sounds awesome. I still wouldn’t watch it, but as a business it would bring the creators insane amounts of money. You know everyone and their neighbor would tune in.

That’s pretty much the plot of The Condemned. You have 9 vicious, murdering, criminals who have been sentenced to death on different countries. The 10th convict is Jack Conrad (WWE’s Stone Cold Steve Austin), who’s reason for imprisonment in a putrid jail in El Salvador is not immediately revealed. They’ve all been chosen by Breckel (Robert Mammone), a clever but twisted-minded millionaire producer, to participate in his deadly reality show called, yup, The Condemned. The rules of the “game” are simple. They’ll be dropped off a helicopter on different parts of a remote island. Each of them has a bomb attached to their left foot that will blow in 30 hours. Trying to remove it will cause it to blow. There’s a red piece of plastic that can be easily removed, setting off the bomb for an easy kill. Whoever is left alive in the end will be set free and given a crapload of money.

As sick as it sounds, and it is, Breckel gives a fairly reasonable argument. These people have stolen, killed, raped, and apparently enjoyed themselves while doing it. Only two criminals don’t seem that bad. Well, three if you count Conrad. Paco and Rosa are a couple, as in husband and wife. They don’t want to fight and just want to be together. Charming, but they’re still serial killers. So Breckel says, if they’re all to be executed anyway, is it really that wrong to make them fight for freedom? I mean, he is giving one of them freedom, so he’s actually saving a human life. Sounds like your typical Jesus Christ right there.

The island is very small and has about 400 video cameras all over. The show will only be transmitted via Internet because no TV station would risk broadcasting this since it’s completely illegal. Breckel’s staff don’t give a shit about the cruelty or immorality behind the show, at least at first. Breckel’s girlfriend is instantly repulsed when McStarley (Vinnie Jones) gives a brutal beating to Rosa, rapes her and then blows her up, all in front of injured husband Paco. As soon as people start dying in the island more and more people log on to the show’s website, going from 5 million users to 12 million in a matter of minutes. Each user must pay $49.99 to be allowed to watch, so that’s almost $600,000,000 right there. Not bad for such a sick attraction.



So, what the hell is Stone Cold doing here? It turns out he’s not a bad guy after all. He is an ex-military man who was doing a special drug-busting operation in El Salvador when he was caught. The U.S. government didn’t do anything to help him and was just left there to rot. Still, Conrad didn’t talk even after the tortures. A real American hero, indeed.

Conrad doesn’t want to kill anyone and simply defends himself. After a while he gets pissed off at McStarley for viciously killing Paco, and the game is on. A lot of shit happens and a lot of people die in horrible ways. You’ll have to watch it to know if Conrad makes it out of the island alive. What do you think?

The Condemned was a huge flop at the box office, making only $7.4 million dollars. Every single movie critic took a dump on the movie and Lionsgate didn’t even bother promoting it properly. It’s 30 minutes too long, sexist, has many plot holes, bad acting, and a fucking shaky camera during action sequences. So it comes as a huge surprise that I actually enjoyed the film. Yes, it’s bad, I know it is, but I like it. I guess I just like Steve Austin and Vinnie Jones so much they alone made this worth watching. Rent it and watch it with a couple of buddies while chugging down beer cans.

Score: