Movie Review: Planet Terror

Starring:
Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodríguez, Josh Brolin, Marley Shelton, Michael Biehn, Bruce Willis, Naveen Andrews, Quentin Tarantino, Stacy Ferguson

Director:
Robert Rodríguez (Sin City, Spy Kids)

Release Date:
October 2007

Synopsis:
El Wray and his ex-girlfriend Cherry Darling fight an army of zombies infected with a biochemical weapon unleashed by a psychotic Army lieutenant and an opportunistic scientist.

My Two Cents:
Zombies used to be scary when I was little, but now they seem silly. They’re usually slow and stupid so you just have to run past them. 28 Days Later gave us running zombies, and those are scary as hell. If you ever played the Resident Evil remake on GameCube you know how tough the running Crimson Heads are. So, when I heard Robert Rodríguez was doing a zombie movie I was expecting the baddest, most brutal and vicious zombies the world has ever seen, but that wasn’t the case.

Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan) just quit her job as a go-go dancer in a strip joint and meets her former lover, El Wray, in a diner. Meanwhile, a scientist (Naveen Andrews) is selling Project Terror, a biochemical weapon that turns people into mindless flesh-eating zombies, to Lt. Muldoon (Bruce Willis), but the transaction goes bad and the scientist releases the poison gas as payback. Texas is going to hell. A bunch of zombies attack Cherry and tear her right leg off. El Wray takes her to the nearest hospital where almost everyone seems to be infected with the virus. The police try to bring the situation under control but there are way too many zombies, so the few survivors team up and look for a way out of town. El Wray sticks a wooden table leg in Cherry’s stub to help her walk, but later replaces it with a machine gun. The special effect used on her leg is totally believable. Truly amazing.

For reasons not explained, El Wray is a kick-ass fighter, killing zombies left and right with hand-to-hand combat, knives and guns. Cherry is more of a victim until she gets her machine gun leg, then she goes all Rambo and starts killing everything in sight. She apparently has unlimited bullets and can shoot with her mind, since she never pulls the gun’s trigger. This is not a problem as the movie doesn’t take itself too seriously. I do not mind the humor, but I was expecting a jump-out-of-your-seat movie like Dawn of the Dead (2004), my favorite zombie movie so far.



The zombies in Planet Terror suck balls, literally. They have no intelligence and move slower than Jabba the Hutt on crutches. They do have a disgusting appearance, with pulsating blisters and deformed heads. Instead of blood they seem to be stuffed with watermelons because when they get shot they squirt impossible quantities of red liquid in all directions.

After watching the “heroes” run around for two hours I didn’t really cared if they lived or die. A few cool things happen, like a kid shooting himself in the face, a guy getting his nuts removed in cold blood, a puss-filled tongue blister exploding all over a doctor’s face, El Wray’s fighting scenes, knowing Michael Biehn (The Terminator, Aliens) is alive, Quentin Tarantino’s slimy penis, and Fergie’s cleavage, but none of this saved the film from being boring and disappointing. Bruce Willis is barely in it. I expected him to be sort of a boss character El Wray or Cherry would have to fight at the end, but he doesn’t do shit. The movie is too long, which is never a good thing when the plot is so simple. Also, the ending is a joke. It’s kind of sad the best part about Planet Terror is the fake Machete trailer at the beginning. I rather watch Danny Trejo and Cheech Marin slaughtering people than crummy zombies.

Score: