Weekend Box Office Report: Jan 11-13

Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman still have what it takes to drive crowds to theaters. The Bucket List finally knocked National Treasure: Book of Secrets from the #1 spot, sending it tumbling down to #4. Juno, the little movie that could, is standing stronger than ever at #3, and Ice Cube’s First Sunday took the #2 spot.

1. The Bucket List
This week: $19,540,000

Total: $20,964,000

2. First Sunday
This week: $19,000,000
Total: $19,000,000

3. Juno
This week: $14,000,000
Total: $71,250,000

4. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
This week: $11,482,000 - Total: $187,295,000

5. Alvin and the Chipmunks
This week: $9,100,000 - Total: $187,740,000

6. I Am Legend
This week: $8,130,000 - Total: $240,234,000

7. One Missed Call
This week: $6,130,000 - Total: $20,642,000

8. P.S. I Love You
This week: $5,005,000 - Total: $47,008,000

9. The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie
This week: $4,419,000 - Total: $4,419,000

10. Atonement
This week: $4,300,000 - Total: $25,208,000

Achievement Unlocked

Harry Potter pulls off an Anakin Skywalker by turning to the dark side of the Force and becoming a Dark Lord of the Sith. Nooooooooooooo!

Owned!

Who would win in a fight between a Predalien and a Predator? Apparentely, neither. Here they finish the battle with a messy double KO.

Movie Review: Scary Movie 4

Starring:
Anna Faris, Craig Bierko, Regina Hall, Bill Pullman, Leslie Nielsen, Anthony Anderson, Carmen Electra, Chris Elliott, Shaquille O’Neil, Phil McGraw

Director:
David Zucker (Airplane, Top Secret)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for crude and sexual humor throughout, some comic violence and language.

Release Date:
April 2006

My Two Cents:
Coming up just a little short of being the funniest Scary Movie, part 4 delivers the laughs and insanity expected of the series. The world has been invaded by aliens and only by solving the murder of a little Japanese boy can peace be restored. That doesn’t make any sense, and that’s how I like it.

Anna Faris returns to play Cindy Campbell, the lovable but dumb blonde who gets herself in all kinds of trouble. She’s joined by Regina Hall who once again plays Cindy’s fried Brenda Meeks, and series newcomer Craig Bierko, who basically plays Tom Cruise. Most of the movie revolves around making fun of War of the World, but they also ridicule other movies like Saw, Fahrenheit 9/11, The Village, Brokeback Mountain, The Grudge, Million Dollar Baby and Hustle & Flow.



The special effects of the tripods are surprisingly good, as are all the sets that mimic the movies they spoof. The bathroom from Saw looks identical, as well as the Japanese house from The Grudge. Great stuff.

It doesn’t matter if you didn’t like the previous movies of the series, or haven’t watched them yet because you can enjoy Scary Movie 4 on its own. Just make sure to watch at least some of the movies being spoofed to better appreciate the comedy and over-acting.

Score:

Yoda and Darth Vader Invade Soul Calibur IV

Namco Bandai and Lucas Arts have shocked the video game world today with the announcement that Star Wars' Master Yoda and Darth Vader will be joining the cast of Soul Calibur IV. This would normally seem bizarre, but Soul Calibur II included Link, Spawn and Heihachi as playable characters, so anything goes these days. Although I can't say I'm completely surprised, I can say, however, that I didn't see this coming.

Unfortunately we won't be able to pit the light side of the Force against the dark side because each character will be exclusive to one particular console. The Xbox 360 gets the little green Jedi Master and the PlayStation 3 gets the Dark Lord of the Sith. It's both awesome and sucks space balls at the same time. Namco sure knows how to make hardcore gamers spend extra money on their games.





Be sure to head over to http://www.soulcalibur.com/ to watch the high resolution trailer directly from the CES '08 event.

Character Profile: Mike Haggar

After living his life as a wrestling street fighter, Mike Haggar turned to politics and won the election to become mayor of Metro City. He swore to rid the city of the terrible crime wave caused by the Mad Gear gang. This made Belger, leader of Mad Gear, royally pissed and arranged for Haggar’s daughter, Jessica, to be kidnapped. Rather than succumbing to Mad Gear’s threats, Haggar enlisted Jessica’s boyfriend, Cody, and his friend Guy to go down to Metro City’s meanest streets and beat the shit out of every single Mad Gear member.

Wasn’t the above paragraph fun? That’s the plot of 1989’s Final Fight, the game where the world was introduced to Haggar. I remember playing it for the first time at the arcade. Cody and Guy looked cool, but Haggar was a fucking shirtless pile-driving mayor with work pants and a huge belt over one shoulder. I had never seen an awesomer game character before. Is that belt supposed to keep his pants from dropping to the floor? Who cares? He’s Haggar, and her can wear whatever the hell he wants.

He was the slowest, but also the strongest. He singlehandedly made the pile-drive famous. Russian bear-wrestler Zangief made the pile-driver even cooler by giving it a spin two years later, and that’s why these two monsters of wrestling despise each other.

Capcom knew they had created an unstoppable muscle machine and decided to include Haggar as a playable character in 1993’s Saturday Night Slam Masters and its sequel, Ring of Destruction, a year later. He also made appearances in the Super Nintendo exclusives Final Fight 2 and 3, rejoining forces with Guy and recruiting help from newcomers Maki, Dean and Carlos. In 1999 Capcom USA released the god-awful Final Fight Revenge, a 3D fighting game with some of the worst polygon models ever. Haggar was a playable character but not even his awesomeness could save this steaming pile of rhinoceros anal discharge. Haggar had a cameo in 2006’s Final Fight Streetwise, teaching Cody’s younger brother, Kyle, some grappling moves. He ran a crummy gym and was no longer the mayor of Metro City. People barely remember him, if they remember him at all. That’s so sad. Why would Capcom do this to poor Haggar? Oh by the way, Final Fight Streetwise sucks the big one.

After beat’em ups died down and Final Fight’s future seemed bleak, a few characters from the series started appearing in Street Fighter Alpha. First there was Guy and Sodom, then Rolento, then Cody. Even Hugo Andore appeared in Street Fighter III, but still no Haggar. What the fuck, Capcom? Namco included Haggar in Namco X Capcom, but that game was never released outside Japan. Again, what the fuck?

You can see I’m passionate about Haggar and can only hope Capcom brings him back soon. If there’s ever a Marvel vs. Capcom 3 every character on Capcom’s side should be Haggar. Raise your hand if you want to be pile-drived by Haggar. *raises hand*

Wii Virtual Console Review: Top Hunter: Roddy & Cathy

Developer: SNK
Publisher: SNK
Console: Neo-Geo
Release Date: June 1994

Set many years in the future, when mankind has colonized the far reaches of space, an evil group of space pirates known as the Klaptons are wrecking havoc through the galaxy. Authorities can’t handle them, so they placed huge bounties on their heads in the hopes that some brave hero will claim them and restore peace to the universe. Bounty hunters Roddy and Cathy answer the call and promise to bring down the space pirates for good.

Although the game looks like a Metal Slug clone at first, the game mechanics are not about shooting stuff. You actually fight hand-to-hand close quarters combat, picking up enemies, stones, crates, etc. and tossing them around. Roddy and Cathy have retractable arms that stretch pretty far to grab baddies or items lying around. By using Street Fighter-like controller motions you can throw fireballs and perform rising punches and kicks. Both playable characters have the exact same moves, so it makes no different which one you choose. Two players can play the game simultaneously.

Every stage has two layers where you can walk on; one on the foreground and one in the background. With the press of a button your character will jump-kick to the next layer, just like in Fatal Fury. This feature is cool at first but because your characters don’t scale in size when they jump to the background it’s hard to see in which layer the bad guys and items are. You’ll occasionally find a gun or a bomb to use as weapons, and even commandeer a big bi-pedal armored walker, similar to the one in Mega Man X.



The game is divided in four main worlds, each with two sections and a boss in each. There are fire, ice, forest and wind themed levels. The enemies vary from state to stage, but they behave the same. Some bosses fight you on foot, but most operate huge machines. After you beat all four worlds you’ll travel to the Klaptons’ spaceship for one last round of ass-kicking.

The level of detail in the graphics is awesome. Every background has plenty of stuff going on, with cascades, lava rivers, trees shaking in the wind, etc. The characters also look pretty nice, but unfortunately don’t animate that well. If it had better animation you could easily mistake this for Metal Slug.

I wasn’t too impressed with the audio, but it’s not bad. Standard sound effects of gunshots, punches and creature roars. The music is forgettable but you’ll be too busy fighting bad guys and trying to survive to care.



While decent, Top Hunter doesn’t provide enough variety to be a truly fun game. After a few minutes of picking stuff up and tossing it around you’ll wish there was more depth and replay value. Playing with a friend helps, but it also makes things more confusing with everything that’s going on. Infinite continues pretty much ruin the fun of beating each tough boss, so you’ll just breeze through the levels not caring to pick up items or power-ups. Why bother, right? Top Hunter worked better as a quarter-muncher at the arcade than on a home console because of this.

Score:

Movie Review: The Hot Chick

Starring:
Rob Schneider, Anna Faris, Rachel McAdams, Matthew Lawrence, Melora Hardin, Alexandra Holden, Tia Mowry

Director:
Philip G. Atwell (The Animal)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for crude sexual humor, language and drug references.

Release Date:
December 2002

Synopsis:
Cheerleader Jessica Spencer is as shallow and spiteful as she is pretty and popular. Her cruel nature gets her in trouble when a curse traps her in the body of a 30-year-old man. Humbled, confused and in constant need of a shave, Jessica frantically tries to figure out how to switch back in time for the prom and the big cheerleading competition.

My Two Cents:
Even though this movie was annihilated by critics I decided to give it a chance and came out pleasantly surprised. Some people don’t consider comedians to be real actors, but I think it’s tougher to be funny than dramatic. Not anyone can go from playing a man, to playing a woman trapped in a man’s body. Besides playing a teenage girl, Rob Schneider also plays a thief, a school janitor and a Mexican immigrant by the name of Taquito. All are very funny, but Taquito takes the cake.

The movie is not all about bizarre sexual jokes and fart jokes. There are actually a few nice messages of true friendship, being proud of your heritage, improving your self esteem and overcoming marital hardships.



Anna Faris plays Rob’s, or should I say Jessica’s best friend, April. She looks cuter than ever here and is just as funny as in the Scary Movie, um, movies. Actually, every character is funny and charming in their own way. Adam Sandler’s cameo as a pot-head store employee is just as funny as it sounds.

Funny dialog and very awkward situations highlight Schneider’s comedic timing. If you enjoy silly, goofy, and juvenile comedies then you might find yourself laughing out loud with The Hot Chick.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Jan 4-6

For the third consecutive week Disney's National Treasure: Book of Secrets has been the top movie at the box office. It's well on its way to breaking the $200 million mark already broken by Will Smith's I Am Legend. The little independent film Juno has generated positive reviews and could become Fox Searchlight's biggest hit of all time.

1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
This week: $20,225,000
Total: $171,033,000

2. I Am Legend
This week: $16,300,000
Total: $228,638,000

3. Juno
This week: $16,225,000
Total: $52,032,000

4. Alvin and the Chipmunks
This week: $16,000,000 - Total: $176,738,000

5. One Missed Call
This week: $13,525,000 - Total: $13,525,000

6. Charlie Wilson’s War
This week: $8,184,000 - Total: $52,630,000

7. P.S. I Love You
This week: $8,010,000 - Total: $39,378,000

8. The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep
This week: $6,300,000 - Total: $30,893,000

9. Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
This week: $5,400,000 - Total: $38,472,000

10. Atonement
This week: $5,124,000 - Total: $19,216,000

Game Commercials: Street Fighter II

My most cherished video game series of all time got zero respect from Capcom USA and everyone involved in the making of this commercial. It’s ugly, bizarre, and disturbing. When I played Street Fighter II: The World Warrior I never thought of old black and white movies and dinosaurs. What the hell, man?





Now this is more like it. This was the first time I saw live-action Street Fighter characters, and they looked awesome! That M. Bison guy is wicked cool, maybe because he reminds me of Terminator 2’s Robert Patrick. Guile’s hair will never look good on a real human being, but Chun Li looks fantastic. These two short commercials were included in a GamePro/Capcom promotional video for Street Fighter II Special Champion Edition, and are better than the whole Van Damme movie.




Far better than the one for The World Warrior, but still not as cool as the Japanese ads. Here Capcom acknowledges Mortal Kombat as a threat and had Blanka literally destroy it, making an old security guy soil himself in the process. What does the ad teach us? Don’t piss Blanka off.

Movie Review: War

Starring:
Jet Li, Jason Statham, John Lone, Ryo Ishibashi, Devon Aoki, Luis Guzmán, Sung Kang

Director:
Philip G. Atwell

MPAA Rating:
R for sequences of strong bloody violence, sexuality/nudity and language.

Release Date:
August 2007

Synopsis:
FBI agent Jack Crawford is out for revenge when his partner is killed and all clues point to the mysterious assassin Rogue. But when Rogue turns up years later to take care of some unfinished business, he triggers a violent clash of rival gangs.

My Two Cents:
Jason Statham, the star of The Transporter and Crank faces off against Jet Li, star of Unleashed and Hero. Doesn’t that sound awesome? They already faced each other in The One, but that was six years ago when I didn’t even know who Statham was. There’s no way this movie could suck, right?

Jack Crawford (Statham) has lived in misery since his FBI partner and best friend Tom was brutally murdered along with his wife and daughter. Hi has been obsessed in finding Tom’s killer, a man only known as Rogue (Jet Li). This Rogue fellow is probably the best hitman in the world, admired by crime bosses and feared by everyone else. On the other hand, Jack is one of the baddest FBI agents in town, beating the shit out of suspects and killing goons left and right without any remorse. That’s just great, because you just know his fight with Rogue is going to be awesome.

For the first our or so the movie moves along pretty smoothly, setting up the characters and Crawford’s immense hate for Rogue. You get quite a few shootouts, some naked whores in a strip joint and a mandatory car chase. Rogue manages to play a double agent role working for both the Triads and the Yakuza, making their hatred grow and getting a lot of people killed in the process. This is all fine, but when do we get to see Li and Statham fight? They’re just talking, shooting and running. What the fuck? Jet Li doesn’t even throw a single kick until the final minutes, and even then the fight choreography sucks. Why have a martial arts expert like Li in a movie and not use his abilities? Anyone can shoot a fake gun, but not everyone can fight as cool as him.



OK, so it sucks that Jet Li is not using martial arts to kill off his opponents, but the movie is still pretty decent. That is until a sad and shitty plot twist near the end is revealed. This revelation sucks so bad, it literally kills the whole movie. And even worst, the actual ending is perhaps the worst ending I’ve ever seen. I honestly can’t remember a worst movie ending right now. The last 10 to 15 minutes destroy an otherwise enjoyable action flick. What a shame.

As a video game fan I feel the responsibility of reviewing a little fighting game included in the Blu-ray version of War. Maybe it’s also on the standard definition DVD, but I watched the Blu-ray version. Anyway, you fight one on one against an Asian dude in a suit. You play as a very muscular guy that doesn’t resemble either Statham or Li in the slightest. Maybe it’s supposed to be a gang battle against the Yakuzas and the Triads. Who knows? You are given a few choices that must be selected before the battle takes place. Yeah, you have to predict if you’ll need to punch high or low, kick high or low, or block high or low. It’s completely random so there is absolutely no strategy involved, only luck. Once your commands are selected the little guys fight. Whoever ends up with a bigger life bar wins. This is hands down the shittiest bonus feature I’ve ever seen in a movie. What a total waste of disc space. Note: the maximum suckage of this mini game does not bring the movie’s score down at all, and it certainly doesn’t add to it either.

Score:

Babes of Gaming: Lulu

Final Fantasy has had black mages since the very first game released in 1987, but Lulu is the first one to drop the traditional black mage costume in favor of one more suited to her world’s fashion. She’s the sexiest character in Final Fantasy X, in my opinion, and definitely the most well endowed. Her boobs can barely fit in her dress. And they jiggle when she walks and attacks, so those babies are real.

Lulu is one of Lady Yuna’s guardians, watching over her while she completes her pilgrimage. She has been a guardian to other summoners before, so her guidance and knowledge is highly valuable for the whole party.

Lulu’s weapons are little dolls of classic Final Fantasy mascots like moogles and cactuars. They do very little damage, but her black magic spells can be devastating. Her overdrive super move is called Fury and can inflict massive damage to a single enemy or moderate damage to every enemy on-screen.

It’s hard to believe Lulu is only 22 years old. She acts like Yuna’s older sister, but she’s so cold and serious, like she had a magic staff up her ass. She was romantically involved with Wakka’s younger brother, Chappu, but after he was killed by Sin she slowly started falling for Wakka. They don’t seem to be compatible, but her other choices were a dead guy and a hairy beast. Six months after the events of Final Fantasy X they got married and about two years later she gave birth to their son, Vidina, during the events of Final Fantasy X-2.

Owned!

Kratos puts a big smile on this medusa’s face. Maybe a bit too big for her taste.

Movie Review: The Invisible

Starring:
Justin Chatwin, Margarita Levieva, Marcia Gay Harden, Chris Marquette, Alex O’Loughlin, Callum Keith Rennie

Director:
David S. Goyer (Blade: Trinity)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for violence, criminality, sensuality and language.

Release Date:
April 2007

Synopsis:
When high school student Nick Powell is brutally attacked and left for dead, he regains consciousness only to discover that he's invisible to everyone. This mystery explores the elusive place between the world of the living and the land of the dead.

My Two Cents:
If you saw the trailer you pretty much know everything that’s going to happen, so it kind of sucks that it takes so damn long for Nick (Justin Chatwin) to die. You’re introduced to his mother, his High School buddies, and the overall suckage that is being a teenager for what seems like an eternity. As soon as he gets the shit beat out of him and is left for dead it becomes interesting and doesn’t let go till it’s over.

I was under the impression that once Nick was killed he had to solve his murder, by finding clues and finding a way to communicate with the living, but nope, this doesn’t happen. That’s because he realizes he’s dead very early on, and he knows exactly who killed him and how. The real problem is making people know he’s not really dead, but dying, so they better find his body and take him to a hospital before he really dies.



As if being brutally beaten and almost killed wasn’t enough, the only person who can hear him is the woman who did this to him. She’s a very troubled teen criminal that doesn’t give a shit about anyone, except her little brother. Her caring for him is the only sign that she’s human and has at least a little heart. In the later half of the movie Nick sort of end up liking her, but it’s just wrong and depressing to know she’s such a piece of trash and is the only one who can save him.

Maybe it’s a bit predictable, but Justin’s acting was pretty good. He carries almost the whole movie by himself, as you care very little about anyone else. It’s interesting to think people who have near-death experiences can exit their bodies and walk around, and then remember everything when they return to their bodies. It was fun watching Nick spy on his mom, his friends, and his attackers. You are left with a bit of a bad taste in your mouth when the movie ends, but it really couldn’t have ended any other way.

Score:

Cool Collectibles: Samus' Gunship from Metroid Prime 2

Metroid games are cool and First4Figures is making an awesome model of Samus Aran's gunship from Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. Just look at it! It stands 11.5 inches tall and comes with a neat stand that lights up along with the ship's windscreen and thrusters. Only 750 pieces will be made and they will sell for a whopping $299.99. Better start hunting for bounties if you want to get your hands on one.

Vanity Fair Indiana Jones 4 Photos

Vanity Fair magazine made an Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull cover feature with interviews and exclusive pictures. Here are three of them for your enjoyment. Follow this link for their full 5 page article.

Movie Review: The Heartbreak Kid

Starring:
Ben Stiller, Malin Akerman, Michelle Monaghan, Jerry Stiller, Carlos Mencia, Rob Corddry

Director:
Bobby and Peter Farrelly (Stuck on You, Fever Pitch)

MPAA Rating:
R for strong sexual content, crude humor and language.

Release Date:
October 2007

Synopsis:
Eddie Cantrow marries a dreamy woman only to learn at the honeymoon that she's a total nightmare. As this discovery sets in, Eddie meets the real girl of his dreams.

My Two Cents:
The Farrelly brothers have directed some of the funniest movies I’ve seen, including There’s Something About Mary, Me, Myself and Irene, and Shallow Hal, but they seem to be losing their touch. As funny as Ben Stiller is, I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken by the mostly unfunny The Heartbreak Kid.

Every character Stiller plays seems to get themselves in the most awkward situations, and Eddie Cantrow doesn’t break the tradition. He is afraid of commitment, and has blown off women that seemed perfect to everyone else. When he meets a hot blonde (Malin Akerman) and finally decides to marry her, she turns out to be a huge freak.

Most of the movie takes place in Cabo, Mexico, during their honeymoon. Even before arriving at Cabo, Lila starts acting all weird and annoying. It gets worst every day and it’s clear that Eddie is getting fed up and realizes he’s made a huge mistake by getting married way too soon. After settling in the beautiful beachside resort, Eddie meets a cute brunette called Miranda and they quickly become good friends. Slowly, but surely they start falling for each other. So Eddie now has to make a choice: put up with his wife’s insanity or dump her in favor of the more normal Miranda. He starts making up stories to hide Miranda from Lila and vice versa, but the lies get out of hand resulting in somewhat amusing situations.



Rob Corddry plays Eddie’s best friend Mac, a guy apparently completely happy with his overly-dominating wife. He’s the one who convinced Eddie to get married and go to Cabo for his honeymoon. A very funny guy. In Cabo, Eddie meets Uncle Tito (Carlos Mencia), a hotel employee that is friends with Mac, who will give the newlyweds special treatment. Uncle Tito is by far the funniest character in the movie. Ben Stiller’s real life father, Jerry, plays his father in the movie. He’s always talking about getting pussy and double-teaming broads with his son. He’s funny, but the excessive sexual comments seem forced and unnatural.

The Heartbreak Kid is occasionally funny and entertaining, but ultimately uninspired and just average. My expectations were high, having seem how funny the Farrelly brothers and Ben Stiller can be, but it seems like There’s Something About Mary won’t be topped any time soon. It’s time to stop remaking old movies and start writing original material.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Dic 28 - Jan 1

The last weekend of the year ended with Nicolas Cage’s National Treasure sequel on top for the second time. Alvin and the Chipmunks and I Am Legend are still standing strong at 2nd and 3rd place. The sequel to Alien vs. Predator sort of tanked, opening at #6, but I doubt it had a huge budget, so it might still be a hit.

1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
This week: $55,419,000
Total: $143,821,000

2. Alvin and the Chipmunks
This week: $42,200,000
Total: $154,575,000

3. I Am Legend
This week: $38,015,000

Total: $205,090,000

4. Charlie Wilson’s War
This week: $20,512,000 - Total: $43,251,000

5. Juno
This week: $15,700,000 - Total: $31,081,000

6. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
This week: $13,825,000 - Total: $30,655,000

7. The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep
This week: ? - Total: ?

8. P.S. I Love You
This week: $13,055,000 - Total: $27,353,000

9. Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
This week: $11,782,000 - Total: $30,501,000

10. Enchanted
This week: $9,689,000 - Total: $113,837,000

Cosplay: Soul Calibur

The Soul Calibur series has some of the coolest character designs in fighting games, or any other genre, so naturally cosplayers will get busy making these costumes. Here are Sophitia and Rapheal about to begin a duel, or perhaps dance. They both look pretty sweet, but I have to give bonus points to Sophitia for being cute. Unfair, I know.

I don't even know where I would begin if I wanted to create a Nightmare costume, but someone did, and it looks fantastic. This guy (girl?) also made the Soul Edge, with the eye and everything. I presume a Taki costume would be easier to make, but harder to look good in. Now I kind of wish to see more live-action Soul Calibur characters, but in a movie. Now there's a thought.

Achievement Unlocked

Finally, the weapons of mass destruction that President George W. Bush had been looking for have been found, but on an alien spaceship! Oops, too late. The aliens have destroyed the White House, but to their disappointment, Bush was out on vacation. An alien commander was heard saying: “I’ll get you next time, Bush, next time…”

Movie Review: Spider-Man 3

Starring:
Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rosemary Harris, Bruce Campbell

Director:
Sam Raimi (Evil Dead, Darkman)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for sequences of intense action violence.

Release Date:
May 2007

Synopsis:
While Spider-Man’s superpowers are altered by an alien organism, his alter ego, Peter Parker, deals with new villains Sandman, New Goblin and Venom, while also getting caught up in a love triangle.

My Two Cents:
Not every franchise that makes its way to theaters gets more than two movies, and even if they do they’re not always good. Spider-Man is considered by many to be the best comic book superhero series of films ever, topping Batman, Superman and the X-Men, but even though Spider-Man 3 was directed by the same director as the first two, this one is definitely the weakest of the trilogy.

The first two films were so good my expectations for the third were probably too high, but this was not why it’s the weakest. Along the way we’ve been introduced to Peter Parker, Mary Jane, Aunt May, Harry Osborn, Norman Osborn and Otto Octavius. For an action movie there has been plenty of character development, making you actually care about these people and their relationships with one another. So the problem with part 3 is that they keep trying to develop all those characters while adding new ones like Flint Marko, Gwen Stacy, and Eddie Brock, all who deserve equal screen time. In Spider-Man there was only one villain, the Green Goblin, and in Spider-Man 2 there was also one villain, Doctor Octopus. The whole movies were devoted to them, giving the writers plenty of time to tell a detailed back story and the purpose each villain had for turning bad. In Spider-Man 3 you have three new villains, count them, three! So in two hours you have to share time for, hold on tight… Peter Parker, Spider-Man, Mary Jane, Harry Osborn, New Goblin, Aunt May, Gwen Stacy, Flint Marko, Sandman, Eddie Brock, and Venom. That’s over 10 characters, not to mention supporting characters like J.J. Jameson, Uncle Ben, Dr. Connors, Captain Stacy, Bruce Campbell and a few others. Too many fucking people.

The new villains are awesome. Sandman’s effects are insane, and his story is the most touching. He’s not out to kill the citizens of New York for pleasure, he only wants to save his daughter and must steal to pay for her operation. New Goblin may not be a true super villain since he seems only interested in killing Spider-Man instead of taking over the world, but he’s a villain nonetheless. The alien symbiote is the biggest threat, adhering to Peter Parker and slowly eating away his mind and then fusing with Eddie Brock to form the entity known as Venom. I don’t have anything bad to say about the villains, but I wish they had saved Venom for a fourth movie or perhaps exclude Sandman from the third, as Venom is more interesting.

M.J. and Peter’s romance has been hitting some bumps and things get extra shitty when Peter dons the black-suit. His personality changes from a nerd to an angry emo. Remember when Peter loses his abilities in Spider-Man 2 and decides to be Spider-Man no more? That “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head” bit seems like an Oscar-worthy scene from The Godfather compared to Spider-Man 3’s disturbing emo jazz dance scene. I fucking hate jazz! It’s painful to watch, but at least it gives Peter a different look and feel from his regular nerdy self.



The action scenes are on par with what we’ve seen in previous films. Sandman is involved in three major battles, but sadly Venom is only in one. If you count black-suit Spider-Man as Venom then he’s in two fights, but that would be cheating yourself. This is why Venom needed a movie for himself. But anyway, the action is fun, and the special effects are really good. The sound and music is also fantastic, even if Danny Elfman didn’t score it. Christopher Young (Hellraiser, The Grudge) used the original Elfman Spider-Man theme and added new themes for Sandman and Venom, both which are pretty sweet. However, there was a great fight scene between emo Parker and Harry that had fucking jazz playing in the background. Did I mention I hate jazz?

Spider-Man 3 was the highest grossing film of 2007, beating other high-profile sequels like Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and Shrek the Third, as well as Transformers. There’s no doubt Sam Raimi cares a whole lot about the characters and story and tried his best not to disappoint the hardcore fans and also entertain casual fans. It’s action-packed, funny and still charming after all these years. Too many characters messed things up a bit and almost left Venom out in the cold, but what’s here is enough to entertain and excite. If you’ve watched and enjoyed the first two films there’s no reason not to pick this one up.

Score:

Owned!

Ray Park, as Lord Raiden, beats the shit out of some Reptiles in the god-awful Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Character Profile: The Great Mighty Poo

If you played Conker’s Bad Fur Day on the Nintendo 64 or Conker: Live and Reloaded on Xbox you might have fond memories of certain characters like the Tediz, Buga the Knut, Gregg the Grim Reaper, and Franky the Pitchfork. They were all great and memorable, but the one I’ll never forget is the Great Mighty Poo.

He is one of the biggest bosses in the game and is literally an angry talking piece of shit. He has digested corn for teeth and two little arms which he uses to fling poo at you. Before the battle begins he clears his throat and sings a song to Conker, hands down the greatest song I’ve ever heard in a video game. They don’t call him Sloprano for nothing. The Great Mighty Poo’s only weakness seems to be toilet paper. Between the song’s verses he opens his mouth and that’s when you can throw giant rolls of TP in his mouth. After three hits he starts to flush in a scene reminiscent of the Wicked Witch of the West’s death from The Wizard of Oz.

It’s hard to believe there are not that many poo monsters in video games, but this is probably what makes the Great Mighty Poo stand out even more. Every first-person shooter has exploding barrels, but how many games with shit characters can you name? What a world, what a world.

I’ve included the lyrics to the Great Mighty Poo’s song. Enjoy!

I am the Great Mighty Poo and I’m going to throw my shit at you.
A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate starfish.
How about some scat, you little twat?

Do you really think you’ll survive in here?
You don’t seem to know which creek you’re in.
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes him through my rear.
How do you think I keep this lovely grin?

Have some more caviar.

Now I’m really getting rather mad.
You’re like a niggly, tickly, shitty little tag nut.
When I’ve knocked you out with all my bab
I’m going to take your head and ram it up my butt.

Movie Review: Next

Starring:
Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore, Jessica Biel, Thomas Kretschmann, José Zúñiga, Tory Kittles, Peter Falk

Director:
Lee Tamahori (Die Another Day)

MPAA Rating:
PG-13 for intense sequences of violent action, and some language.

Release Date:
April 2007

Synopsis:
Las Vegas magician Cris Johnson can see a few minutes into the future, an ability he uses to enhance his shows, and to win at blackjack. But when an FBI counterterror agent wants his help in thwarting a nuclear attack on Los Angeles, Cris finds his psychic skills put to the ultimate test. Based on Philip K. Dick's short story "The Golden Man".

My Two Cents:
Many of Philip K. Dick’s short stories have been successfully adapted to the big screen, and these include Blade Runner, Total Recall, Minority Report and A Scanner Darkly. When I heard Next was going to be based on Dick’s “The Golden Man” I was expecting another mind-bending thriller, but the only thing that bended was the money I spent renting this garbage.

The ability to look into the future could be scary, but it could also save your life if you knew the plane you were getting on will crash, or that your favorite bank was getting robbed with you in it. This is the “gift” Cris Johnson (Nicolas Cage) has, but it’s not as cool as it sounds. He can only see two minutes into the future, and can only see into his own future. So if Mt. Etna’s volcano erupts in Italy and kills thousands of people he won’t be able to see it unless he was there and was in danger.

Since he can’t be a superhero or have his own phone psychic network, he turns to Las Vegas where he becomes a magician. He uses his gift as part of his act. Apparently he doesn’t get paid much as a magician because he often hits the casino and cheats at poker, winning enough money to live and not raise suspicion. After a while the casino security does find him suspicious and targets him. When a guy intends to rob the casino and kill two people, Cris prevents him from doing it and then flees when security tries to catch him. Meanwhile, the Russians are threatening to put a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. FBI agent Callie Ferris (Julianne Moore) somehow knows about Cris’ ability to see the future and wants him to tell her where the bomb will blow up. Cris has been harassed by scientists since he was 3 years old and refuses to cooperate.

Cris had a vision of him meeting a beautiful woman (Jessical Biel) at a diner, and he needs to meet her because this is the first time he has been able to see past two minutes. He goes to the diner every day, waiting for her, until she finally appears. He manages to make her take him with her out of Las Vegas, and during the trip he charms her and makes her fall in love with him. So what if Cage is 18 years older than Biel? Bastard…



Eventually the FBI finds them and try to force Cris to go with them to L.A. This is where the movie falls apart. You don’t really care about the bomb and are more interested in Cris and Liz’s romance, but after the FBI take Cris the movie turns into a crappy Die Hard wannabe with car chases, helicopters, countless armed men running around, snipers, explosions, and shit. It all feels disconnected. The Russians are only there as a stereotypical enemy. You don’t need clairvoyant powers to know Liz is going to be taken hostage, forcing Cris to cooperate and be able to use his powers to save the world. He is put in charge of Callie’s FBI team, telling them where snipers are, where bombs are hidden, and where the fuck to go inside a huge tanker.

The overall effects are very cheesy, and look even worse on HD DVD. The dialog is lame and so is Julianne Moore. I really like her, but she sucks so bad in this movie. Peter Falk’s cameo was sad and pointless, Nicolas Cage’s wig was laughable, Jessica Biel didn’t add anything to the movie, and worst of all the ending is a slap in the face.

It has some mildly entertaining moments here and there, probably because Nicolas Cage is likeable and Jessica Biel is hot, but it’s still not worth watching. Chances are high that the next movie you watch will be better than Next.

Score:

Weekend Box Office Report: Dec 21-23

This was a very busy weekend for Hollywood, with four new films opening at the same time. The king of this weekend's box office was Nicolas Cage once again with National Treasure: Book of Secrets. All four newcomers were crushed by National Treasure, stopping them from even reaching $10 million. I Am Legend slipped to number 2, but remains strong with over $34 million. Let's see how well Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem fares next weekend.

1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
This week: $45,500,000

Total: $45,500,000

2. I Am Legend
This week: $34,225,000

Total: $137,490,000

3. Alvin and the Chipmunks
This week: $29,000,000

Total: $84,867,000

4. Charlie Wilson’s War
This week: $9,618,000 - Total: $9,618,000

5. Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
This week: $9,350,000 - Total: $9,350,000

6. P.S. I Love You
This week: $6,505,000 - Total: $6,505,000

7. Enchanted
This week: $4,152,000 - Total: $98,351,000

8. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
This week: $4,100,000 - Total: $4,100,000

9. The Golden Compass
This week: $3,980,000 - Total: $48,418,000

10. Juno
This week: $3,400,000 - Total: $6,385,000